Red flags or am I crazy?

[YourBreezyOliveViewer]

Looking for some objective perspectives on a pattern of behavior from a 4+ year relationship.

• Facebook Exclusions: For over four years, he refused to accept my Facebook friend request, claiming he didn’t use and or want people from our shared community/workplace finding him. Eventually he accepted a mutual acquaintance who was a female coworkers daughter and our age. His excuse for accepting her and not me was that he had "too many requests sitting there" to go through them. When I asked him to remove her or add me, he deleted his entire Facebook account instead.
• Instagram Engagement: He allowed me to follow his main Instagram, but he never posted, never liked my photos, and never acknowledged me online. However, he was actively following other women and liking their photos. When confronted, he deleted that Instagram account as well.
• The "Tinder Notification": Over the summer, I saw a push notification for a direct message from Tinder on his phone. He claimed he hadn't used Tinder since before we got together and had no idea how it got there—despite having gotten a brand-new phone during our relationship. His immediate reaction was to delete the app without opening or looking at the message.
• The Secret Instagram: Recently, an accidental share revealed he had a secret burner Instagram account named "shell corp" with zero posts and a profile picture of him and his dad. He was only following 21 accounts (mostly verified public figures), except for his best friend, his mother, and two women. Those four were his only followers.
• When I asked, he claimed the two women were married high school acquaintances from 10+ years ago who randomly searched for him and added him.
• When I sent follow requests to those two women, neither accepted. Instead, both followed me back, and one immediately unfollowed his burner account.

On top of this digital secrecy, he frequently weaponized emotional distance, stonewalled me for days when angry, and lashed out when I set firm boundaries (such as refusing to get involved in his personal grudges). When I finally called out the pattern and ended things, his response was to give me rigid ultimatums, demand keys back, and try to control the narrative. Is there any plausible, innocent explanation for this kind of behavior, or was this a textbook pattern of deception and secrecy?

The online drama is faf less significant than :

he frequently weaponized emotional distance, stonewalled me for days when angry, and lashed out when I set firm boundaries (such as refusing to get involved in his personal grudges). When I finally called out the pattern and ended things, his response was to give me rigid ultimatums, demand keys back, and try to control the narrative.

I couldn't be doing with the online nonsense. Paranoid teen behaviour, nothing for an adult.

But the rest is absolutely not on. Find an emotionally honest man, not a game-player.

I think most 16 year olds have more than 1 insta account? Is that not normal?

Your gut clearly knew something was shady. Trust that before internet strangers.

Sounds like my ex and he was always searching for other women for attention. He is not worth your tears.

The first one is all the red flags you need to know exactly what his game is.
Either he wants people to think he is single, because he either plays the field or wants to. Or, he wants you to feel “not enough”.

Never accept treatment like this from anyone. He’s a fucking dick, it’s that simple.

…and now I’ve read the rest of your first post…get him in the bin.

Seriously the bare minimum a partner should be is a nice human being. This guys a cunt. What are you doing? Runnnnn!

Does it even matter he’s ever physically cheated? He sounds like an abusive, manipulative manchild

There is no innocent explanation possible for any of these things. He’s been playing you. What I don’t understand is why you tolerated any of this for 4 months let alone 4 years?!! Better late than never. You finally dumped him. Don’t look back. Learn the lessons from this experience and keep moving forwards.

It’s regrettable you have wasted 4 years of your life on this, but don’t waste anymore. I hope you can work this out

If you have to ask the question of your title, you’re out already op. It must be exhausting studying his online presence so much. I honestly mean that. Get outside first a nice walk, read a book, watch a good show, have a board game night. This isn’t life

So many women tolerating utter bs and worried about whether he is cheating. As if cheating is the one thing bad enough to leave. Being abusive is worse than cheating in my book. And there are many other ways besides sticking your dingaling in some other woman that you can be disloyal to a partner.

Someone who deliberately treats their partner like shit is disloyal to the relationship.
Someone who instead of committing to reassuring their partner, tries to make out her feelings are invalid, is disloyal to the relationship. Someone who leaves their partner feeling abandoned, downtrodden and alone in a relationship is disloyal to the relationship.

He has no loyalty to you. He does have something for you though - contempt. He’s very loyal to his agenda of making you feel unloved, uncared for, invalid and alone. His main mistress is himself. And she really, really doesn’t like you.

he frequently weaponized emotional distance, stonewalled me for days when angry, and lashed out when I set firm boundaries

You should have lead with that. He was a manipulative, abusive man and you shouldn't have stayed four years. Work on your self esteem before dating again. Try The Freedom Programme.