Mother in law

[Sambesi]

my MIL is visiting at the moment, helping out as I am sick and my husband is going on holiday for 10 days. We have had an interesting relationship but recently it’s been a lot better. Anyway, she has turned up with a birthday gift for my youngest, who had his birthday just a few weeks ago. I am annoyed because it’s the second time she has brought or sent something for him, and not for my eldest. He was too young to take note the first time but mentioned it to me this time, that she said it’s not for him it’s for his brother. My son said this is unfair mummy, I didn’t get a puzzle for my birthday. Best way to approach her about it? Thanks

What does your husband think of his mother’s behaviour?. Why is she there at all given that he’s going on holiday also for 10 days?. Do you get the chance to go away for 10 days also?. He must be aware surely that you and she do not get along. Or is he a wet lettuce when it comes to his mother saying things like she means no harm and or well you know what she is like?. Saying such things could well
mean he cannot or equally will not deal with her because he’s mired in fear, obligation and guilt. Three buttons that she installed in him from childhood. Where’s FiL here; is he around?.

Your DH and you need to present a united front and tell her straight out that such overt favouritism is unacceptable and is damaging to your child’s sibling relationship. The present for him was also weeks late which is poor too on her part.

I would also tell her that she will no longer see you or her grandchildren if this persists which it could well do sadly as she seems to have a favourite grandchild already. Do not let her her further damage your child’s sibling relationship in front of your very eyes

If he cannot or will not stand up for himself and his family (and any inertia re his mother hurts him as much as you) then I would seriously consider the relationship as a whole.

Definitely ltb . . .

Yes you’re right, it did start with “she doesn’t mean it like that” etc. but I we soon squashed that and he has been quite good about telling her, although I do get the whole “you’ve always got something to say every time my mum comes to visit” and “your mum hasn’t been the nicest to me either” which is true

she’s here to help me with the kids because I am mostly bedbound with multiple chronic health issues at present and my mother needs a break.

there is no FIL, never has been. There is no consistency with the whole present giving, sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn’t, you never know when or what and I’ve raised this before but it’s a total non issue to my husband.

Why is your dh going on holiday and leaving you when you are so ill?

In these circumstances, if you are relying on her help, is it actually worth saying anything and causing an issue? You could tell your older child that MIL sometimes forgets presents and then offer to buy him a puzzle. It’s not ideal but if you need her to stay and presumably want a happy house then it might be the way to go.

Because he thinks my mum and his mum are around to help and because he booked it a year ago before I got I’ll and my sickness has already put a huge strain on our family and him so he needs the break…

Yes I thought this might be the way to go and to mention it afterwards….

Husband spoke to her and then came to me with her and she apologised followed by it wasn’t my intention, I’m sorry child took it that way and to heart, I would never do anything like that and please come and tell me yourself otherwise I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I am unwell so not in any state to argue about it, but it’s 3rd time so I’m not sure how it can’t be intentional but I’ll leave it there. My son also told me she smacked him last time she was here and that’s why he doesn’t like her so that was raised too and she said it simply wasn’t true. So we’ve left it there but it means she’s saying my son is lying.

I'm confused. Hasn't she just bought her grandchild a birthday present ? Why would she buy anything for the older child?

Alternate childcare is needed as is home help for your own self. Are you still under the care of a hospital or hospital consultant?.

And I’d believe my son over her any day of the week.

The gift is for your youngest son's birthday 🤷🏼‍♀️ explain to your oldest that it is a gift for his brother's birthday. When it's his birthday he will have a present off her then.

I don't really think you need to approach her. She's done nothing wrong. She's come out of her way to help out and your being ungrateful over a present 😬🙈

I am not sure of the issue here
You need help because your H is buggering off on holiday when you are ill so she has come to stay and she has brought your child who had a birthday recently a present?
Am I missing something?

Is your eldest your DH's? Is that why she hasn't bought anything for him?

She brought for my youngest for his birthday but didn’t send anything or bring anything for my eldest for his birthday earlier this year and a couple of years ago. She has zero consistency with gift giving, sometimes sends, sometimes doesn’t, has given my youngest who is 5, every birthday, but my eldest who is 7 only 4 or 5 times

Sorry I haven’t been clear, basically my eldest didn’t get presents from her for his birthday and he mentioned it to me this time, as he is old enough to have noticed that she didn’t send or bring him anything when it was his birthday. He knows he doesn’t get presents when it’s someone else’s birthday

I’m not ungrateful, I am very grateful, but she doesn’t have a right to treat my children differently, deny it and say she didn’t realise and get away with it, just because I am in need of her help.