Don’t know what to do about my adult son

[Marmaladelover]

He is in his 30d . Single, lives nearby. In his late teens and 20s he made poor life choices and as a result has no career and no relationship now. In the past had not good relationships including violent ones (never sure what happened) remorseful after provocation ( but that doesn’t excuse anything)

He is ND, and has some physical difficulties which makes some jobs tricky but also takes drugs and is obsessed with gaming. Tendency to blame others for everything wrong in his life, plays the victim often. Entitled behaviour too. He was in therapy but that seems to have fallen by the wayside.Whilst he lives nearby , we don’t see him a lot ( as my DD says, when he wants something or done something)

Yesterday I witnessed outright misogyny to me - suspected it in the past. Very disrespectful to me but not to DH -DH did not witness him with me nor heard it but DD heard his raised voice and couldn’t hear me. Spoke about same subject to me and DH together just after being with me alone and the difference in his tone was stark

This was the second fall out this year , last time he didn’t think I was entitled to think as I do , he never really apologised after the last time and in hindsight I should have been stronger . I think he was remorseful last time to my DH ( though the horrible messages were to me ) and DH was keen we made up and give him another chance.

if I could walk away right from DS now I think I would . Despite all of this , DH always wants to give him another chance. Same story over and over again. I don’t want him in the house anymore. DH does avoid conflict. I realise it’s DH and I who need to talk but he is just getting over a cold and I need to leave it a few days.

Christmas is only round the corner and in the past he has come here ( bar Covid and for several years when in his bad relationship as she wouldn’t have any to do with us.) I don’t want him here. He will most likely be on his own

He sounds quite dangerous.

I think I would tell your DH that you don't ever want to be alone with ds. Your DH needs to stick to you like glue whenever ds is around otherwise you're done.

I also think you both need to sit down with ds about his treatment of you and that there are expectations about behaviour and if he can't meet them he's not allowed in your house. You need to be united on this point.

Are you saying he was violent to past partners, or that he was himself a victim of DV?

The misogyny isn’t the biggest problem here, not when you’ve said he has been violent in relationships.

I would have nothing to do with him unless he instigates it. Why would you want to associate with an abuser just because he shares your genes. No thanks.

I really feel for you. It's heartbreaking and so deeply disappointing. I have a friend who has had no choice other than to distance herself from her son (also in his 30s, no relationship).

He has very much swallowed the red pill and hates women. Total incel-vibes and awful misogyny. The dad puts up with him and I guess a bit of "boys will be boys". She wants nothing to do with him any more.

I've known him since he was at primary school. It's such a shame. He's pretty much a lost cause now as are so many boys-now-men who went down that rabbit hole.

Draw your line in the sand. Stand by your boundaries and hold your ground. Your DH is not the one being affected by this. He can have no appreciation of how you feel about your son's grotesque behaviour. DH is a man. Let him stick his head in the sand if he wants to. But your home is your sanctuary and you will not be treated like that or spoken to like that by your son or anyone else for that matter.

Let him spend Christmas elsewhere, gaming with his incel tribe and hating women in the privacy of his own home.

What you are describing would be domestic violence if it was your partner. So many women now getting abuse from their sons. Does he work or just claim benefits while sitting around getting stoned and gaming.
I would not have him in the house, he is a grown ass man not a teenager.

I don’t know the whole story but fights with former partner. We only have his word to go on on how they started. She was extremely difficult to live with and he should have ended it many a time . Instead someone provoked ( her probably) and he responded, not sure who was physical first. We witnessed him once square up to my DH - frightened us both.

Low paid work snd benefits or benefits alone.

Can you and your partner afford to go away over Christmas? I feel if you dont invite him he may turn up anyway and ruin the day.

So when he started shouting at you, had you ‘provoked’ him?

Why do you assume that she “probably” provoked him? And that she was the one who was difficult to live with?

Did you also provoke him? Did your DH? Are you also difficult to live with?

Sadly there are times when one has to admit to oneself that thier son is an arsehole.

A violent man would not be welcome at my dinner table, son or not.

Sounds like he's already used up his chances.

This.

No I didn’t raise my voice nor provoked him. Neither has or did my DH . The only reason I say she might have provoked him was because I know from experience how difficult she was but obviously have no idea what happened on each occasion. I do know that provocation seems to flip a switch in him - always had done .

No I am not difficult to live with

But you know from experience how difficult your son is. Seems that you minimize his behaviour unless it’s directed at you.

Thank you I am coming this conclusion

I am certainly not minimising his behaviour, but when you don’t witness something it’s hard to judge whether something was self defence or attacking.. I don’t think because he is a man he is responsible.

What did he say to you thay was very disrespectful op? What was his childhood like? Does he make you feel scared? Why did he square up to his dad?

Blames me for his educational choices.primary childhood good as he got into his teens it was trickier navigating his school difficulties- advocating for what he needed due to his SEN .
Yes these days felt scared sometimes .
Squaring up to his dad was years ago and about the girl friend at the time who was 2 timing him . We suggested he break it off x

Oh, OP, how difficult.

Hard as it is, because a parental bond is ever present on some level, I think your Ds is beyond gaining anything from your intended support etc, and the trying is costing you dear, mentally and emotionally.

He won’t change

I think I would come to an agreement with your DH that DH now solely continue the parental relationship.

And I would say that after his behaviour towards you, no he is not welcome at Christmas. Your DH can go over and visit him for an hour if he wishes.

What kind of ND does he have?
What physical difficulties (handicaps?) does he have?
Have they been diagnosed?
Does he / has he received treatment or therapy?
How did he do at school? Socially and academically?

sometimes knowing the bigger picture helps.

What did he say thay was very disrespectful op?

It beggars belief that so many loser men think they are better than women.
i know that’s not the point of your post, but others have offered advice.