Ungrateful teen DDs

[Lifesd]

DH and I both grew up in poverty and have worked incredibly hard to give our children a better life than we had. We’re not rich, but we work hard to provide for them and have spent thousands trying to help with their various problems, including private health cover and expensive skin and dental treatments as well as paying for expensive hobbies such as ice skating and drama/dance.
Yet all we seem to hear is that we’re poor and don’t pay for things. Nothing seems to be enough, and it feels like they have absolutely no appreciation for what we do for them.
I know teenagers can be self-centred and I’m not expecting constant gratitude, but it really gets to me when DH and I know what it’s like to have nothing and have sacrificed so much to give them opportunities and support we never had.
I don’t want to throw our sacrifices in their faces, but I’m struggling with the resentment and feeling that we’re somehow failing them despite doing everything we can.
Does it get better with age, or do we need to change how we’re dealing with them?

You are not failing them per se but you are failing to make them appreciate the fact that they are behaving in an entitled self centered way. There's nothing wrong in pointing out a few home truths. A good friend of mine has been there, very similar. Her daughter is now 40 and the way she treats her mum is just awful to witness, there is no respect for her mum, no real love, it's as though she is just an atm machine. My friend says she thinks her daughter is just waiting to for her to die so she can collect inheritance. It might sound extreme but it started with being a spoilt child and has become something really sad to witness.

So, in short, it may not get better with age, it may well get worse.

They are being incredibly rude , are there consequences?

OP, I came on looking for advice for a very military problem. Our DC has a private ed (discounted because I work at the school) and I think their view of the world is skewed by the fact some friends do come from very wealthy families.

DP and I push back a lot of the time saying no to a lot of expensive “wants” that are, quite frankly, ridiculous. We have decided to say no more often though - DC will have to start curbing their expectations as I’m not encouraging this entitlement any further.

I suggest you do the same. It’s not pleasant now but your DC will benefit in the future. They need to understand their position of privilege and not take it for granted - which is a parent’s job to make them learn.

Cancel the lot. Make the KNOW what poor really is. No more dancing no more spending money no more facials no health cover. No phones.let them learn the real life way. Maybe then they will stfu

Very, very few teens are grateful.

i was in a similar position, we were much better off than my parents.

what we did:

pocket money to cover clothes, toiletries etc. helps give them a sense of how much things cost and also that when the money is gone it’s gone.

pulled back on spending on stuff that wasn’t essential or that they didn’t care about.

told them we’d pay for (for example) one sport/social per child and they could choose what it was (they do often want to change - one of my dc learnt a lot of musical instruments and was always chopping and changing).

if they are old enough to get the bus/bike to training or their friends encourage them to do so. Independence helps them feel in control, and you don’t feel like you are constantly giving lifts.

I think it might be worth having ‘allowance’ for whatever toiletries/ clothes they might need,
and explain that essentials will be bought when needed (coat, underwear, shoes/ trainers, school items), treats will be at birthdays and Xmas. This isn’t because you can’t afford to do it all the time, this is because real life is about balancing saving/spending. So if you’re able to let them know that you are saving for them for when they are older.

I struggle with this too, even though my children are younger. My parents had much less disposable than we do. I make a concerted effort to say no to things (attraction gift shops mainly!) because my children need to know what a special treat is and to feel grateful. I imagine this will get harder as they get older and want a lot more!

It doesn’t need to be so dramatic, never mind throwing it in their face, or cancel the lot.

as your DC have grown up, how much time do you spend educating them on finances? Do they understand balancing incomings and outgoings? Prioritising spending, the impact of spending money on private healthcare?

children need years of education from home to understand the reality and intricacies of personal finances.

it’s also good to give them examples of how people in different income brackets both higher and lower may make different decisions.

you don’t need to send children on a guilt trip, but you do need to educate them, school certainly won’t beyond a random hour here and their during their education.

Teens can be so ungrateful.

We gave ours an allowance, stopped running them around everywhere (will occasionally give lifts- if asked, it’s raining, hard to get to on public transport).

We have also started to share the cost of bills/purchases/meals out etc.

Things have improved although they are still resistant to helping out around the house.

I have no advice. My kids are very very privileged. Think 3 holidays a year, horses, golf lessons, extra curricular activies 6 days a week, designer clothes etc. I am trying really hard to make them grateful but as they’ve always had so much it’s like they expect it.

As another poster suggested, educating them about household income and finances might have them complaining less. I'd present it as they'll be out of the house in X amount of years, so you want them to see the realities of how much comes out of a paycheck to run a household. This doesn't have to be done in one setting, but show them gross versus net. Let them use calculators while deducting mortgage, utilities, clothing, food, using actual bills and receipts.

If they are old enough to babysit, they could take a safety course (CPR, etc) to care for children if any exist around you, and then they can earn that extra money for the extra niceties they desire. Since they are so ungrateful, you might have them do extra chores around the house and yard to pay for at least some of the extras you've been providing. Good luck!

Cancel the lot. Make the KNOW what ,poor really is.

They won't know what poor really is even if all activities are cancelled. They'll always have a warm house, warm winter coat and shoes and plenty to eat that isn't filling stodge.

I agree with giving them an allowance to cover toiletries, non-essential clothes, outings with friends etc, and don't give lifts - it's better for their developing independence to use public transport anyway.

Thanks all I really appreciate the replies.

I don’t think I even necessarily want gratitude - and as a PP has said it’s comparison to their friends (and unfortunately they are surrounded by superior wealth than ours) so we pay expensive fees, but then their friends get extras on top of that that we just can’t justify in our budget. And this is what is so frustrating, we are giving them the top of what we can afford within our means and it isn’t deemed good enough!

Do you mean that they go to private school? If so, I know from others that this is a real issue for families who can just about afford the fees but then the kids mix with much richer families.

Regardless, you should want gratitude. No relationship, and certainly no marriage, can survive a lack of gratitude. Kids experience of family relationships will shape their own behaviour in relationships. If they are unable to see the need to feel or express gratitude to their parents, this will carry over into and damage their adult relationships.

Parents should teach their children gratitude. I have taught both my boys from an early age to understand and appreciate what I do for them. They also understand that I cannot afford what the more affluent parents of their friends can afford. These are useful life lessons.

All parents should teach their children the need to appreciate others and express gratitude. And that starts with how they treat their parents.

I made clear to dd the difference between want and need - stuff she needed we would buy, stuff she wanted she either bought herself or waited for Christmas/
birthdays. We have a lot of wealth compared to her peers but it was really important to us not to spoil them, the only visible sign was that we’ve taken many amazing holidays that her mates didn’t.

why are all their friends wealthy?

tbh if you make the choice to send them to private school or live in a very wealthy enclave, it's a bit short sighted to have not realised this might happen. If all they see, both amongst their direct acquaintances and online (e.g. by following celebs and influencers) are people who do have far more them them then it's not surprising they don't really understand that that isn't the norm.

It's hard for adults to see beyond that, let alone children with limited experience of the world.

It doesn't mean you are unreasonable to expect them to be less entitled but you do need to make an effort to widen their worldview, given you were the ones who have effectively limited it (e.g. compared to going to a bog standard comp where they would have mixed with a far wider spectrum of children).

I think that essentially the root of the issue. You've stretched to give them what you consider the most important things.

But those aren't the most important things for them. What matters most to teens is conformity with their peers, and you can't provide that, because you've stretched yourself in other ways.

Is there any way of getting them involved in charity work so they can see how other people have to struggle.
Our dd went to Uganda on a trip from school and she came back a changed person. She lost0 all interest in opulent spending and was even telling me to cut back.
Our ds got part time volunteering at a centre for autistic kids and it also took all that selfishness away.

So you are raising spoiled, entitled children.

Have they got jobs? This usually helps with appreciation and gratitude!

Cancel all the treats - they sound very entitled!
Give them all a serious talking to re money - we were always the poorest family I knew but still well off compared to many. They need perspective.
Tell them to get jobs! Asap!
They'll thank you in the end .

They do have jobs, and a good work ethic so I think that is something that has gone right!

Not at private school, but lots of friends at their extracurriculars who are, and also a very wealthy cousin who I feel they compare themselves too. So as an example, DD who does musical theatre complains she can’t have extra private singing lessons on top of the exorbitant fees. I like the volunteering idea.