Help with silent treatment

[SupportforSilence]

Hi 👋

I have been with my boyfriend for years. We have no children with each other and don’t live together.

He has had a really awful year - one of his parents died and the other one had severe disabilities and he’s had to move in to
care for them. I know he’s going through it and I’ve been there supporting him.

I feel really bad for saying this because I know he’s got a lot on his mind. But I feel so alone. I spend hours listening to him and comforting him and when he asks me about my day, I’m feeling more and more like an inconvenience.

I feel like he doesn’t give me any grace. For example, he told me that he doesn’t like communicating by text or email and that if I wanted to speak to him, I just needed to ring him. I respected that but then when I ring him, if I ring him before work, I am ringing too early, if I ring him after work he has something going on and if I ring him during work hours, he’s distracted.

it finally came to a head last week when I told him wasn’t good enough and that I shouldn’t have to beg for him to pay attention.

I will admit that I was a little bit mean in that I told him that one day he’d turn around and he’d have nobody left who cared about him because he treats them badly. I didn’t shout or swear though.

I now havent heard from him in a week. I’m presuming that we are over and really don’t want to message or contact him. But I’m finding it very hard. It’s normally always me who gets in touch after he goes silent but I don’t see why I should. I asked him to show me that he cares and this is the treatment I get.

i think I’m just posting for support and accountability so that I don’t message him. Hopefully it gets easier!

Sounds to me like you've done everything right, and he's just showing his true colours. It will definitely get easier!

Thank you - I appreciate your message. Today is the first day I’ve considered contacting him. Just finding it hard!

Understandably! But you're already over the hardest part -- seeing it for what it is. Stay strong!

I mean... his behaviour now is just proving what you have thought all along isn't it? I know you are feeling the pangs of not being able to speak to him... but counteract that with a feeling of validation in that he's just proven you very right. Hold your head up high, don't contact him, draw your own line under this and just think how much easier life is going to be without being in an asymmetric relationship. You deserve better and you will get better - time is the key.

Absolutely this. Stay strong. It will get easier. Try to keep your focus on how much freer and more enjoyable your life will be without this relationship, and how you can fill your life with peiole whose attention you don’t have to beg for. Focus on fun. Distract yourself.

Sounds like hard work and because you're not tied together by Marriage, Kids or a House i'd just tell him it's not working for you and move on....you'll be happier somewhere else with someone who treats you right.

He sounds awful. You're well rid of him.

Make a bet with yourself as to how long it takes him to contact you. Give yourself a big treat if he takes over three weeks.

Put a fiver or tenner in a jar for every day he doesn't contact you. Watch that money build. After six months, use it to go on holiday.

Whatever you do, do NOT contact him first.

you have realised this man cannot make you happy. But, you are human and change hurts and there is a risk you will go back to this inadequate relationship to avoid the temporary pain. You would be not only bringing more pain into your life but also delaying the inevitable break up again. Have you thought about why you find it difficult to take good care of yourself in a relationship? You're angry but get curious about how this situation arose. When did you start to abandon yourself?

I really like this idea! Thank you.

I think it’s happened over time. One comment after another and my self esteem has dropped.

There are few things nicer than not contacting someone who's giving you the silent treatment. It drives them nuts.

If it was just that this guy is too busy for a relationship, that would be one thing, but the fact is that he ignores you instead of talking things through in a mature manner.

When he does contact you, just leave him unread. I do love the idea of putting money into a pot for every silent day.

Abuse is insidious and does creep up on people unawares. Do consider enrolling yourself into the Freedom Program and do not enter into another relationship until your boundaries are a lot stronger. Men like this can and do weaken boundaries and he’s the root cause . Do not contact him: he’s done you a favour by departing as he has. The trash has indeed taken itself out.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. Your support means so much to me.

I’ve been out with my mum to a fitness class and had a lovely time. I haven’t contacted him and am feeling somewhat better.

thanks again!

I'm so proud of you! You've done the hardest part, it will fluctuate but will certainly get easier with time. One day you'll look back and wonder what on earth you saw in him. The silent treatment is just control, to make you back down and give in to however he wants you to behave. Every day you don't contact him, you're taking a little bit of control of your own life back and building your self esteem bit by bit. Don't give in and give it all back to him again. He has been training you for years and you have done so, so well to break this cycle!

Be careful when he does eventually contact you, he will make himself the victim, don't fall for it. And don't engage with it, it'll be a never-ending arguement that will have no beginning or end, just endless twisted 'facts'. Even if you prove your innocence on one accusation, he'll just move straight on to the next. Don't get sucked into these games and don't bother trying to defend yourself, you'll get nowhere and it'll exhaust you. The objective will never be to resolve things, but just to keep you unsettled and therefore easy to manipulate.

We're all rooting for you, there will be so many people who read this and have your back, even though they might not each write you a message. You've got an army of a thousand women behind you.

Your life is your own now, embrace it.

This is such a lovely post,
it’s made me emotional with its kindness. Thank you so much 💐💐

Hello - just checking in for accountability - another day where I haven’t contacted him.

I’m presuming that we are over

Instead of presuming you're over, you could reframe this and make the decision yourself, because what he has been offering you is not good enough for you.

You don't have to accept any relationship that doesn't make you feel good. End it yourself, you don't need anyone else to validate your decision. Keep busy, get out of the house whenever you're feeling the urge to backslide, even if just a walk around the block, it will generally give you a bit of perspective.

Spend some time working out what makes you feel good, it sounds like you've spent a lot of years working out what makes him feel good instead and lost your self a little bit. You're still you, you need to give yourself some space to come back to the surface when you're not occupying all your thoughts with him, and what he wants, thinks, would say about xyz. Re learn how to prioritise yourself and have fun doing it.

I've been in your position. He got back to me eventually, we got back together and I continued putting up with the scraps of affection he would occasionally give, along with the worsening abuse, which I didn't even realise was abuse, until we eventually had a baby together and I realised I would never allow for my child to go through that. I love my child so much but I regret that he is the father and will forever be in our lives.
Your gut is screaming at you that his behaviour and treatment towards you is not good enough. You do deserve better. Please do not go back to him. Even if he eventually asks for you back.
This is a fight for power/control on his behalf and if he gives in this time and messages you first, he will make sure it is you that gives in next time.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve much better than a one way relationship. Take a day at a time and spend time with people who love and like you. You can do this.

Well done. Don’t contact him. He’s probably going mad wondering why we aren’t contacting him. I would block him as you are worth so much more than him.

Just keep telling yourself "I'm worth more than this".... Do not take him back - no matter what sob story he feeds you

Hi iv just been reading ur post, im in the same situation, together 5 years 2 kods together , dont live together, and hes shut me out for 12 days because i went to a friends for a few drinks, wont answer my txts asking to let me know if its over so i can move on , goes thru his adult daughter regarding our toddler, im so gutted , this is the second time hes done this, last time it lasted 11 days, iv literally done nothing wrong.i feel so alone

I dunno, DH and I lost 3 parents between us in the past 12 months, after 2 years of intense caregiving for my elderly mother.

Neither of us had headspace for anything but our own survival.

If someone had told me I was going to be alone and uncared for when I was old, when I had put my entire life and autonomy on hold indefinitely to provide live-in care for my parent, I’d have told them to fuck right off.

Maybe find a boyfriend who has fewer responsibilities. Neither of you can be what the other apparently needs during this season of life.