Unable to declutter house enough postpartum

[PeachPlumFruit]

Hello, I’m 7 months postpartum with my first wee one. I am currently staying at home until he’s 10-12 months. My partner works full time (50-60 hour weeks).

I absolutely hate shoes being worn in the house, and I’ve asked my partner that we don’t wear them indoors. When we moved to our own place 10 months ago, I asked my partner if we could have shoes off. He agreed.

However he would have more days than not where he would either forget or be in a rush and come into the living area with his shoes on. First I would bring it up nicely but after months of this I’ve been getting sick of it, I’ve suggested we get slippers, I’ve suggested writing a note on the door, I’ve cried, I’ve been grumpy, everything. He does apologise each time but it’s been MONTHS. He thinks he has adhd so things like this happen often, where he forgets to do things and I have to remind him.

Lately we’ve hit a low in our relationship (I have growing resentment that I’m taking care of our baby nearly 24/7 as he works 50-60 hour weeks and he is tired of my negativity and bringing lot of issues up), I’m exhausted from doing all night wakings, most of the cooking, ordering groceries, laundry, buying baby things, admin. We’ve had multiple discussions and he now takes the baby most mornings, which is an improvement but I just want him to do more, instead of suggesting all these things like how we could meal prep then doing absolutely nothing to initiate it.

I blew up at him about the shoes for probably the tenth time, and like the previous times, he says that he doesn’t give me any grief about the clutter in the house, so I should be more understanding of his effort with the shoes. He also said we live in a pigsty which isn’t true- yes there’s lots of things laying about and it could be better, but it’s not unhygienic at all. He also said that he doesn’t see the logic in me wanting shoes off if I’m okay with clutter and mess, despite me saying multiple times I don’t WANT to live in clutter. But I’ve accepted some clutter is normal and as he’s barely home because he’s working long hours, I’m going to prioritize eating and spending time with the baby. In saying that, I’m no longer watching tv during the day, I’m spending time with the baby and doing little cleans as I go.

Mu husband has always been quite neat and minimalist, where I’m more cluttered (think clothes on the bed type of clutter). I am cleaner though, and would make sure the kitchen is wiped down and the sinks are clean. I have been trying to declutter but it’s been so difficult with a baby that only contact naps, and when she is playing independently I usually do things like eat, research baby things, laundry. I’ve asked a friend who is blunt and honest if the mess is really this bad, and she said that of course it could be better but it’s just a season in life.

I get that clutter stresses him out, and he’s said himself that if he has the issue he should work on it and support me on it, yet when we’re fighting it’s all “you were already cluttered before the baby came so it’s not an excuse”, which I think is a bit bullshit as I managed to keep the place tidy at the end of my pregnancy- also an irrelevant point to make now that there is a baby.

I’m genuinely trying but we just have too much stuff that wasn’t cleared before the baby came, and maybe this isn’t good thinking but I feel that if he’s too busy to be involved in buying household things and baby things, he doesn’t have much ground to complain.

He argues that the effort in and taking the shoes off is the same as me keeping the house clutter free, and I cannot for the life of me agree with him.

Clearly this is not just about the shoes or clutter, it’s a communication issue, but my husband doesn’t want to go to couples counselling until I’m earning income and I feel like it’s just not getting resolved. I also feel that I’ve focussed on the shoes because it’s more black and white (all he has to do is take your shoes off, if he does it then it means he cares and is listneig to me) the other support things I feel were lacking postpartum.

I feel that he just doesn’t appreciate how hard it is for me to be with a baby nearly 24/7 (he says he appreciates it hard but then when we fight would say having baby is no excuse for living in filth). I’ve left him with the baby a few times (5 hours at most) and he says it’s difficult but he doesn’t have to breastfeed, and he sleeps in a separate room from us (which I suggested so he could sleep better, I don’t mind) yet says most days how exhausted he is and how he slept badly??

i have been trying my best to be appreciative and express my gratitude to him but when I feel low, I feel like I have a husband who is barely home, exhausted from work and not present, can’t support me much because he’s exhausted, yet we can’t effing afford a couples counsellor or a cleaner.

I’m just at a loss, we’re fighting over shoes and clutter, and it’s gotten to the point I feel so much anger towards him. I’m trying gratefulness journaling, saying thank you when he does nice things, and trying to be less negative and critical. I think without a baby it would be fine but I genuinely think I need a third party to help with communication and to see each other’s perspective but he says we can work through this for now. He’s not one of those awful husbands that doesn’t help out at all, I know he’s working hard and trying to get a raise so I can stay at home for a bit longer, has been spending more time with our baby lately and doing things to get the pressure off me, and recently brought up how we should try and work on getting our intimacy back (and followed through) but I’m struggling to keep positive. And i worry that the resentment and fighting will just get worse and worse. How do people deal with issues like these? How do I stop focusing on how much more I feel like I’m doing and feeling resentful?

I see no else has commented, so thought I would. But you may not like my thoughts

You sound as unreasonable as each other, he hates clutter and you hate shoes in the house.

i think you need to make a monumental effort to keep your home tidy, and my best suggestion is a big plastic Really Useful box to put all the stuff in. This can then be properly sorted once baby is in bed, or in dads arms.
You can only change your own behaviour and if this is something that niggles your OH so much, then you do need to stay on top of the clutter.

He then needs to make a monumental effort to take his shoes off when he gets home.
One of you has to change first. And show they really respect the other persons point of view.

Dont forget hormones are all over the place , and tiredness can make you snappy. Don’t forget he was your favourite person in the whole world, til baby came along, so speak kindly and respectfully at all times.

Shoes on/off has been done to death, there's no "right" answer, but it really is not worth crying over. From a health point of view, him wearing shoes isn't the risk soft play/baby groups is. A lot of people resent working long hours and missing time with the baby while their partner stays off work and gets all that time, but then, the person who isn't working obviously tends to do all the night stuff and gets less sleep, so neither of you has it easy. Try to be kinder to each other, and both sweat the small stuff less.

Thank you. Yes the sleep deprivation is making things feel a lot worse and it’s so hard to remember in the moment that we actually like each other!

Good idea, I will go to the store and buy some storage as a first step- especially for those random little things that just end up everywhere! I guess in my end with the clutter, once I sort of the main stuff at first, it should get a little easier to manage.

Thank you for the reminder to not sweat the small stuff. I guess I am really struggling not to get annoyed of every little thing and sometimes not seeing things from his perspective.

When you are tired and feeling trapped in irritating loops, things seem much worse than they really are. You aren’t falling out about clutter and shoes - that’s just the manifestation of the change in your relationship. Having a baby is such a massive change and it’s really hard to navigate. What you need is time! Try to be kind to each other. Sometimes you have to recalibrate your expectations of what you can achieve in a day as babies seem to take up all the time. If you have low expectations, everything is a win.

The first thing to realise is while it’s hard work you can absolutely live in the house you’d like to and be clutter and shoe free. People have babies and jobs and do all sorts of things. Stop feeling ashamed of your mess and start changing the narrative. Seven months is an excellent time to turn things around. Stop shaming each other and start getting to the life you want.

Clean and declutter the kitchen today, and wash your bedding. Tomorrow reorganise your bedroom so you and dh can sleep together again. The next day do the living room.

if dh really would like to remember to be “no shoes” in the house (ask him) then the easiest way to make it happen is to inconvenience himself when he forgets. So he needs to create a “rule” for himself that is he doesn’t take off his shoes he hoovers/mops/cleans the floors he’s walked on before he relaxes. Human beings naturally do the easiest least hassle thing so it’s unlikely to take long to reset. It has to come from him though. If he commits to it, he can do it.

Having a young baby is new and exhausting for both of you op, and it’s hard to compromise and be rational when you’re both tired. Just make sure ye keep talking about things x

You sound completely ordinary. By which I mean this is classic new parent tiredness and resentment. One feeling abandoned with a baby and one working hard and coming home to be moaned at.

You only have a few months to change things before you’ll be back at work so need to change with the ‘default parent’ set up you have. Maybe start with going back to sharing a bed. Look at what ends up getting dumped around the house because it has no space. Declutter stuff you don’t need to make space for baby stuff.
I saw you’re making that classic move of going out to buy storage. Stop! If you just buy big crates for stuff you’ll just end up storing things you don’t need and can’t access. Maybe a big basket for toys and baby things. A valet stand for clothes to be thrown on to and get them off the bed.
Make a visual change in the hall that prompts him to remember to take shoes off. A large mat with his slippers on might work.
Keep your sense of humour. Babies are a bomb in a marriage. It does get easier when they sleep through and separately and then again at about three when you can get rid of the bulky baby things that take over the house.

Get a wall rack for shoes and mount it next to the front door.

Yes, don’t buy storage as that promotes hoarding and keeping stuff you don’t need. Buy one big box to put all the random stuff that collects through the day and sort it every night to where it belongs.
A shoe rack by the door and comfy slippers for each of you will also help this reset.
Sounds like you have too much stuff so a proper de clutter will really help you both.

Thank you.. I could also do one area uncluttered a day type thing to make things feel less overwhelming

Thank you for the suggestion on the no shoes!

I’ve also talked to hubby and we’ve set “clean zones” such as our bedroom and kitchen bench. So if he feels overwhelmed he knows he can go to our bedroom and relax.

Thank you thank you. I ended up buying a larger box for the baby toys (current one was overflowing) and slippers for him.

going to keep on being kind of each other and finding humour in things like we used to. You’re right having a child has been a huge change, even more so than I expected.