Husband lost his temper again tonight

[Carfangirl]

Have had a very difficult few month, family bereavement through suicide, and some other very hard things going on with my daughter and she has been living with us full time (my husband isn’t her father). My husband’s mental health also isn’t good and I have to acknowledge that I haven’t been able to support him as I ideally would have liked to. He isn’t close to his family and has no close friends, he relies on me for all his emotional support. Tonight we had a rare night with no children around, first time in weeks. He went down the pub and carried on drinking when home: his relationship with alcohol is not good. Anyway we were watching tv, he started snoring, I couldn’t hear the tv so I woke him. He got upset with me and started shouting asking me what I wanted to him to do so I said stop snoring. He then got very upset and said I was being mean and unkind and started shouting and yelling and stormed off and slammed the lounge door so hard it got jammed with me stuck in the lounge. He had to eventually take the door handle off to get it open. I just don’t know what to do. I want to leave but both my kids have exams this year and they are still grieving. I just can’t stand to hurt them or disrupt them at the moment. I have to get them to a better time in their lives. How do I protect myself and get through the next 6 months when I feel so emotionally unsafe?

I'm very sorry about what you are going through. He has done this before? What did those events look like?

Usually abusers don't stop on their own, and they escalate. He sounds very labile. It would be worse for your children if your H beats you and puts you in hospital or worse, so you DO need to take action to protect yourself and the whole family (including him, in a way) from him.

I suggest that you call Women's Aid for advice.

Do you have somewhere to go?

Yes he does lose his temper with me when he drinks. Happens every couple of months. He has never hit me and I’ve never felt physically threatened. I do have somewhere to go. It’s more I can’t bear the hurt this will cause my children.

He hasn't hit you *yet. Slamming a door that hard is him signalling that you're next. It's intimidation. It's terrorisation. It is abuse.

You're not protecting your kids by swallowing this violent behaviour. Most kids know what's going on, even if they act like nothing has happened. I knew, and my mother thought I didn't. She was devastated to find out how much I had seen and heard, and never talked about because I didn't want to make things harder for her. And it did really affect me and my later relationships, even now 50 years later.

Can you go to your family/friend for the night, or for a couple of days? Often in such situations, the terrorised person becomes paralysed, their brain gets stuck in a spinning vortex and they can't think straight. It takes time and space away from the abuser and further violent events to get out of that state and start thinking clearly.

Also very important is to call Women's Aid.

The operative word is AGAIN
he’s lost his temper AGAIN

it’s a bit like when someone cheats and you brush it under the carpet - this gives them permission to do it AGAIN

if you don’t act on it - this will happen AGAIN and AGAIN

raise your standards here - want better for yourself and your children -
nobody should live like this.

I’m not looking to apportion blame here but I do wonder why you woke him up? If my OH were sleeping, snoring or not, I’d let them be. You woke someone up from a sleep and he obviously had a physical reaction to that.

He obviously doesn’t deal with his emotions very well and sounds emotionally very immature. And if he annoys you that much you should leave. Don’t wait for kids to grow up more.

Jesus, you are excusing his violent behaviour. NO ONE deserves to be exposed to such outrageous behaviour. It is UNACCEPTABLE.

My son has just woken me up to watch a clip about a football manager. I was asleep, in my own bed.

I managed to watch it without breaking a door.

Please phone Womens Aid for advice.

Sorry to hear your all going thru a tough time but I would be annoyed if I was woken don't get why you couldn't just turn the tv up if he was asleep tbh. A lot of men and women lose there temper a lot more than every couple of months. I temporarily lived with sil when leaving a very abusive relationship and between them and hearing next door arguing and angry daily several times a day every 2 months sounds normal.
Not seeing violence just annoyance and crossness.
Slamming a door and it getting stuck and a half asleep guy cmon it's half n half here. Just sods law it jammed lol.