Not in love anymore

[Twistedropes]

Been married 20yrs but the relationship from my side has been dead for a long time. We’re not like a couple anymore and I just feel I’m wasting my time. I recently mentioned this to dp however they said they’ll try & change and make more of an effort. I did also recommend we have some space for a while but they didn’t comment on this.

I’ve started thinking quite a lot of another person & I do feel it’s more due to I see how they are as a parent which really attracts me to them. They don’t have a partner but have full custody of 2 of their kids. I don’t know why I feel like this towards them, I know it’s wrong on so many levels. But can’t shift this feeling. I haven’t said anything to anyone regarding this & have kept it to myself.

Im unsure why I’ve come to this platform to write this, maybe to understand if others go through this too?

Im unsure why I’ve come to this platform to write this, maybe to understand if others go through this too

Oh, yeah - it’s the oldest cliche in the book.

If you have nothing supportive to say then don’t bother…!

Rightly or wrongly it sounds like you’ve made your mind up, now you’ve started feeling an attraction towards someone else it’s unlikely you’ll want to try and work on your marriage.

It’s probably time you sat down with your husband and had an honest conversation about the marriage being over.

You say it's been dead for a long time. How long? Since you became attracted to this other person? Was it really dead or just a bit routine?
Be careful it's not hormones if you are pre menopause as they can leave you feeling disappointed with life and partners temporarily as well as giving you a libido boost (not a good combo).
Do you have children?
Your partner wants to try for you which is positive. Do you want to try for your partner?

Im absolutely willing to try although we was in this place a few years ago and since then things for me have never been the same.
feeling attracted to this person has only been approx 4months, however my relationship has been dead for at least the past 4 years.
He doesn’t seem to make any effort towards our relationship & I feel like it’s always me trying. He works and that’s his only job! I work, cook, clean, run errands for the household & kids, pick/drop the kids. There’s never no excitement for another day with my partner - which is what upsets me the most.

Not sure you’ve obscured the sexes of everyone involved? Regardless, you know the answer is to try to exhaust all avenues of trying to fix your current relationship before moving onto someone else. If you current relationship really has come to an end, end things respectfully with your current partner, have a clean break, wait awhile & let the dust settle. When you’re properly single, then you can think about someone else. The answer to your current relationship problems isn’t someone else.

Are you a man?

I’m a female & married to a man. Yes I think I see myself just wanting to feel loved again and looking elsewhere which I really shouldn’t and I know it’s wrong that’s why I’ve not acted on it.

Ahh this is sad and also quite common. You are being taken for granted and your partner has no energy for you as an individual person.
The grass isn't always greener though (I'm only using experience of friends here) so if you used to have a good relationship together it might be worth trying to work with a marriage counsellor before ending things, especially now they seem to realise you are serious. And they need to pull their weight with the domestic side of things. They are either lazy or depressed.
The attraction to the other person is your yearning for connection. Relationships can be lonely places.

deleted as saw updates

I do believe that’s what it is as I couldn’t even think of myself acting on it. I love my partner however just feel we’ve drifted apart. I think it’s worth suggesting a marriage councillor & that’s what I’ll do I feel.

If you jump ship, why are you so confident something will happen with the other man? Or have things already started to happen?

Nothing has started and I don’t even think they would. I don’t know how they feel as I have never said anything & they know I’m in a relationship (however they don’t know what our relationship is like). I don’t even know why I mentioned I’m attracted to another man, it’s got nothing to do with the fact my current relationship is no longer loving or equal!

Perhaps if your not in love it's just a silly phase your going through ?

Glad to help.

Emotionally focusing on a fantasy is a symptom of your emotional disconnection from your spouse. Since you have children together, I do think trying marital counseling would be beneficial, even if nothing improves. At least you'll feel good about your part in the effort before throwing in the towel. You might also be pleasantly surprised if over time, you two can reignite the spark and come to a new understanding.

If it doesn't work, after the divorce, stay single a good year to get more clear-minded before getting back into the dating world. Your children will also need your full focus while transitioning to a new family dynamic. Good luck!