being someones “safe person”

[BonfireLolly]

Has anyone heard of this before?
Someone said to me that I’m “obviously my ex’s safe person”, and I’m not really sure what they mean by that.
We split up 10 years ago, haven’t seen each other for about 3 years and we’re not friends. He does occasionally contact me to ask how his children are, even though he doesn’t see them himself.
Apparently this means I’m his “safe person”? I’ve never heard the expression used like this before.
What does it actually mean? And why would someone consider me his safe person after all this time?

That’s an absolutely bizarre use of the words surely?! wtf are they on about? 😂
To answer what is a safe person, for me, I guess it would be my husband. I know I can be exactly myself and feel and express myself exactly as it is and (within reason, no murder 😂) he’ll accept me as I am. That’s what I take it to mean anyway.

thank you thats how i took it like a husband / wife, background is he has a mental illness and sometimes contacts me when he feels like it then ghosts again and apparently because he sometimes contacts me (last time was a year ago) im his safe person?

Shame he can’t be a safe person for his own kids though.

well yes exactly, i actually felt they were trying to shame me a bit like poor him youre his safe person 🤦🏻‍♀️ what about his kids

That’s not the way I’d use the term ‘safe person’. Your safe person is the person you go to in a storm, your safe harbour, your rock but it’s reciprocal and loving, empathic and always kind.

An ex bothering you once or twice a year can hardly be described as this. Sounds like the person who said it is trying to place him as vulnerable and you as his ‘hero’. It’s the sort of thing I can imagine someone making excuses for him would say.

Why are you replying to him about your kids?

God, fawning over a man who doesn’t even see his kids, I’d have told them to fuck off. Some friend.

This! If he wants to know about his kids, he needs to try and establish a relationship with them.

Why didn’t you ask her what she means instead of asking us 🤣
Given the update about him contacting you when he’s in MH crisis think he probably sees you as his ‘safe person’ but he is misguided.

thats what i thought he was trying to do hence responding, you have to realise he can say to the kids when they are older id tried to be in your life but your mum wouldnt let me/ never responded. i thought i would hear him out

Yes. The person who said this to you just misunderstands the term, OP.

he didnt contact me in a crisis.

and i should add i did ask them to elaborate but they seemed quite defensive and didnt really answer because he is diagnosed (not just saying he has MH issues)

I went out with a woman in my late teens who called me her safe person.

She told me "You always feel like this little island of safety, when everyone else is a rough sea. I'm warm, and protected. It's like there's a thunderstorm outside and I'm wrapped up on the sofa watching it."

Unfortunately the next words out of her mouth we "But you don't love me". She was dumping me at the time. And she was right. I liked her a lot, but I didn't love her, not properly, and at that point I probably wasn't going to.

We remained friends for a few years afterwards and she expanded on it one night. Even after we split up she said she still felt this feeling of safety with me that she'd not felt with any other man before. The male members of her family were "not great" to put it mildly. She'd had boyfriends before and after me, and had other male friends, but said that she never got that feeling of being cocooned with anyone else.

After a few years she got into a serious relationship and we drifted as friends, hopefully he made her feel like that too. It remains one of the nicest things anyones ever said to me.

Some people will mean you are the person they feel most at ease with; who they can trust to be honest and not flatter them; who is reasoned, measured and reliable. Someone they can trust and whose judgement they can trust.

Some people will mean you are their emotional punch bag and lack boundaries so they can dump all their shit on you and you'll never put yourself first or hold a mirror up to them.

yes i think it would be the second one

he didnt say it to me so im not flattered by the comment though even if he did i wouldnt be i would find it strange