Looking for advice re partner's son....

[HowDoIHelpHim2026]

New partner has two DC - full custody of the younger one (13) who spends 1/14 nights at their mums. Great kid, no real issues.

Elder one is almost 20, lives in their own place 30 mins drive from where partner lives. Same town as their mum and her parents. My partner and his ex don't get on at all, she doesn't really show up and do any parenting hence the custody arrangement.

Older DC has issues with taking drugs - prescription (not his) and class As. Mother also offering them her prescribed opiates! Grandparents enable him - giving money/lifts whenever he wants, seem to call an ambulance/take him to A&E each time he's under the influence - wasting a lot of time and resources! He has ASD and ADHD but can't be medicated due to drug use. I work adjacent to MH and suspect he has a PDA profile as he cannot/will not do anything that is asked or expected of him.

Grandparents/mother have drawn up a 'care plan' which entails my partner spending 3 days/nights a week with the older son - despite caring responsibilities for the younger one. Mother also suggesting the younger one lives/stays with her more often despite it being against the custody arrangement and their child's wishes (I suspect she's after maintenance as she's already tried several other tricks)

Not expecting the situation to change at all but I really just wanted some advice from anyone out there who might have experienced similar in terms of how I can support my partner? He really is the most amazing man but I can see how stressed and anxious this makes him

This is a new relationship?

I'd run, but I grew up in a family with substance abuse issues and I wouldn't subject myself to being around that dysfunction ever again.

This is a really toxic setup and I think you're unwise to involve yourself any deeper. His family is dysfunctional and that's not going to go away. The "care plan" is complete bullshit. The only advice I'd be giving him is stick to the court ordered custody plan, decrease contact with ex and her family, and get his older son into rehab if possible. Steer him to therapy. Watch out for codependence in yourself.

@outerspacepotato Yes still fairly new, I also grew up with an alcoholic father. Partner is pretty good at maintaining boundaries with all involved and refuses to enable his older son (which his mum and family then try and criticise him for). His son refuses to engage in any type of therapy/rehab, etc.

I wouldn’t get involved. Bearing in mind it’s a new relationship I would be off. I have no appetite for drama.

Definitely not planning on ending the relationship. This is literally the only thing about him that is an issue - it's not like I don't have my own problems that I may need him to support me with.

im not usually one for advocating ending the relationship. But between him having to look after his son 3 times a week on top of the responsibilities for his youngest. I’m struggling to see how much time he can devote to you and the relationship.

He has no plans to go through with the 3x a week demands (regardless of anything else I don't think the son in question wants to spend 3 nights a week with his dad - he's an adult!). I have met the younger child but don't spend time at their place when he's there etc - we see each other about twice a week which works perfectly for me right now

It may be the only thing but it’s massive.

Do you want to live with a drug addict? If you have your own DC do you want them having to share their home with someone using Class A drugs?

Wise up!

Your new boyfriend has a 20 year-old addict offspring and an adversarial relationship with his ex. Those aren’t small issues. This is a man who doesn’t have time to date.

@Skybluecoat no children of my own, no plans to live together - also the son has his own property bought outright so wouldn't need to (and wouldn't want to) move in with his dad

@Ponderingwindow I see him about twice a week - plenty of time

I'm not asking here whether or not to continue with the relationship. I'm asking for advice on how to support my partner

Op you’d be chaining yourself to all of his families issues forever.

@StarCourt and what family doesn't have some sort of issues? I have my own that I may need his support with in time. Again, not asking whether to continue with the relationship or not

The only way to support your DP is to offer him a caring ear, to cook the odd meal for you both, share happy times.

Is the worry that his older DC20 could influence the younger one? Great that there is a legal care plan for DC13.

You can't control people's responses.

He's already told you this much about his toxic family situation and this is a new relationship. He is needy. If he needs support, he needs professional support to deal with the chronic and massive life issues he's got going on.

Drug addiction that's being enabled by other family members will take over his life. It will take over yours unless you set extremely strong boundaries and have a very strong sense of self preservation.

You're already super focused on how you can help him. That's why I warned you about looking at codependency in yourself.

@user1492757084 Absolutely no risk of that, the younger one is very sensible and level-headed and doesn't want to actually spend any time with the older one

You’re right most families have issues but addiction in particular can absolutely tear families apart