Next steps after a few dates?

[Menopausalinsommniac]

Met a guy online we initially both said lookig for shoet term, let’s see how it goes. Had a first date, went really well. Then a long gap of several
weeks (both travelling), second and third dates also great. In person he’s affectionate, enhaged, intetested. Was texting daily but lately has seemed less engaged on text and i cant help reading too much into it. I tend to initiate the texting. We’ve both initiated the dates. He doesn’t chat on the phone.

Is it ok after three dates ro ask if he wants to carry on seeing each other? Or do i wait to see what he does next or ask him if he wants to meet at the weekend and ask him in person?
(i know the fact ghat he doesn’t speak on the phone means he may be married, i have no way of knowing that atm, but instincts say not)

If a man says he's looking for short term he usually means it. Ask him out again if he says yes then bonus for you but if he says no don't ask again. It sounds like he's checking out tbh :(

I’d leave him to it; see if he texts/asks if you want to go on another date.

@Menopausalinsommniac what does short term mean to you? Being totally honest and a 4 year user of online dating, short term means different to different people.

For me, a short term relationship is a good few months (then it feeds into long term past the 6-9 month mark), casual is the other side where it isn't a "relationship" and is just a fun physical thing.
I've found that most men think "short term" means casual sex (and yes they will be engaging and interesting until they've had a few sessions of what they want and then they'll be gone) so my advice would be to clarify what you both want first.
Then it should be a mix of both of you initiating.

Lots of guys don’t like phone chat. I don’t read anything into that.

Id agree that short term means lots of different things. But I wonder why that’s not something you’ve clarified already. I’d absolutely ask the questions. I don’t do games when saying. I want to know where I stand or I’m out.

having said all that, my husband and I started dating having met online on a casual basis only and realised quite quickly that we were not casual about each other! That needed a careful discussion.

I think continuing to chat means he’s still interested, but you need to know what that means for him.

Thanks for the advice, I think short term meant casual to him because he ghosted me after the 4th date (but was so nice on the date itself!). It’s all very confusing so yes I guess asking the questions upfront is key. In that respect do you suggest heist being blunt and saying “are we dating or is this casual sex”? He had initially said “short term but let’s see where it goes”

It all seems kind of one sided like you're in for whatever the guy wants rather than you having your own independent view of your compatibility with the person and your availability for a relationship with anyone.

So to put in an almost satirical way, if he says "I'm happy to marry you", then you'll be OK with that. If he says "two week fling", you'll be OK with that. It's like you are a passenger rather than a co-pilot.

@Menopausalinsommniac he is not speaking on the phone so not that interested so I’d say not looking for long term , as he has stated.Sounds like he may have been wanting sex by now and lost interest .

If he’s ghosted you, surely that’s your answer?

Agree it feels like it would be good for you to sort out exactly what it means to you? And hold firm. Also maybe add to your profile what you mean, so if casual or just sex doesn’t work then say you’re not interested in hookups or anything casual? Also behaviour like the above definitely sounds like he wasn’t interested in anything longer term so I guess watch out for similar patterns.

‘Let’s see where it goes’. That says all you need to know really.