Weird relationship with inlaws?

[Yats17]

I dont know how weird it is the way we are with my in laws and SiL. Appreciate any views from others or shared experiences.

SiL makes limited efforts to see us from France (logistics, work and her 12 and 15 yo kids and a dog as of 3 years ago so reasonable enough). We were main ones visiting them, especially pre us having kids. I think my husband is starting to feel funny about it. They drive up at least twice a year to visit parent in laws who live in the north (they have their own issues). We are in london. SiL doesnt like coming into london to visit us as its stressful to drive and they dont really do public transport. So when we had our 3rd baby, they just drove past us to get home. At the time my husband said he was a bit sad about it, and I said oh dw, its probably hard to change their logistics so late etc. He's never made a comment like that before despite times when I've thought it.

Now for Xmas we said for 2nd year we will have a chill one by ourselves as travel with our young 3 DC is tricky. I pushed for this last year as we have always gone to France or the north to accommodate them, while i didn't feel they accommodated us particularly or made any particular effort to include me after 13 years together. Our first xmas by ourselves was amazing. This year my DP said to his family we will do same again, as I feel they all get really stressed with our 3 young kids, and their dog bit my 7yo when we went up for a big bday.

Now inlaws going to France so they can do xmas there and it all feels weird. Theyre kind of asking us for permission which ofcourse is not our place. Equally no ones made any effort over the years to say to us, oh you are having a few rough years with young kids so let's make sure we all see each other but do what we can to make life easier for you. I guess that lack of consideration is starting to bug me. SiL is yet again a couple of hours away seeing a friend, but no attempt to see us, probably won't manage anything till atleast next summer.

But worst thing is its making my OH sad, and he is no good at handling his feelings. Now I dont know what to say to him to make him feel better about it! Its just all weird :(

You wanted Christmas alone, and your pil probably thought well, they don’t want to come here, so we could have a little holiday going to France. They are just double checking to make sure you are ok with that. So give them your blessing.
That is my take on that.

The sister’s is more difficult. It is hurtful but probably not intended to be. She just does not want to bother and dreads the thought of all the driving, and having all the children. . How was it for her and your DH when they were young?

Is your DH not seeing any of them at Christmas for your sake? Or did he too enjoy your simpler Christmas?

It's not up to you to make him feel better about his family. They are what they are. It's unfortunate that his sister isn't making an effort with him. It might be worth him having a conversation with her about it. The parents going to France isn't at all unreasonable when you don't want to go to either their house or France. In reality parents often tend to lean closer to their daughters families than their sons. Do you have any family on your side?

I don’t think any of this sounds particularly weird. It doesn’t sound like you are hugely close. Your Dh could make the effort to visit his parents or sister on his own if he misses them. Do you regularly invite them to visit and they decline? Or do you just wait hoping they might drop in if they are around? I think twice a year sounds about right for somewhat distant family who live abroad to meet up. It sounds to me like maybe your expectations don’t really match the relationship you actually have. What about your family? Do you not see them for Christmas and special days?

Yh I think we are maybe just adjusting to a new reality. We may not all be close but atleast they're nice people so could definitely be worse!

Some women think they need to help/accompdate their daughters more than their sons as they know/think they bear the brunt of the childcare/housework so they make extra efforts to help them and make their life easier. They don’t do with their sons as they feel it is their wife duty to pick up all the work and irs not their daughter so they don’t see any reason to be accommodating. they also think if they get sick their daughter will be there supporting them while the son and daughter in law won’t go the extra mile.
it might be untrue but it is how many feel and hence they behave accordingly.
but some questions to ponder - had your SIL been more present in case of sickness? Was she more involved in house chores while your husband as a son was asked to do less? Was your husband pushed to do more sports/activities?
the way there were treated while kids can give you a lot of info on why there is a difference now. This might have also caused resentement from your sister in law that’s why she is not going the extra mile to visit her brother. This can be more or less conscious and your DH might be completely oblivious about it as it was just like that.
not saying this is the case for your family, but I saw loads of families in which this happened and it unfolded like that when the kids grew up and had their own kids.

Omg ive never thought of this but it makes so much sense!!!! My parents are weirdly the opposite (v gender traditional) going out of their way to be around for my younger brother and his 2 kids similar age to ours, they diss my lovely SiL behind her back, and definitely drive past our house to go see my brother. Its infuriating but also typical of how they were when we were kids. Grrrrr its impossible to fix tbh

YABU. Just take the win of not having to spend time with in-laws.