💘Dating Thread 65💘 Cosy Cuffing Season

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself.

We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Still with Mr Spanner :) but still keeping an eye on the thread :) been on a long trip and missed him desperately. Still an amber flag on his level of responsibility. Planning a big sit down chat with him over the weekend once we have reunited properly ❤️

Glad you're doing well.

What are you going to say?

Hello! Thanks for the new thread.

It's tomorrow night I am seeing my friend (someone mentioned it on the last thread) - tonight I have a mini golf date with Mr Suit. He seems sweet but the chat has been rather dry and limited, and I must admit I am finding it hard to motivate myself to get ready and leave the flat!

But I cancelled him once, when we were first chatting weeks ago, and he took it really well - I definitely owe him a chance, at least .....

Thanks for the new thread @nosdacariad!

@ilovelurchersThat really is a shame about having to postpone Mr Paint. Although if the date did turn out to be a dud, I’m sure you would have appreciated being able to support your friend. Frustrating though.

@duckingcluelessSorry to her that. How do you think you’ll approach the chat? Sounds tricky

I’ve gone through it with ChatGPT. I’m going to tell him that and show him what it says. That if he doesn’t take a bit more responsibility I will lose respect for him even though I love him. It absolutely nailed what I need to say so am going to explain that to him. We have discussed it before but when I bring these things up he looks so hurt. It’s hard to explain to him without hurting his feelings. He has been with very different women before and he knows that. He doesn’t have to be perfect and I don’t want to change him but he doesn’t need to move in my direction a bit more. It’s hard to explain.

Also now trying to navigate kids and Christmas and work out how much to integrate. I’m pretty sure we want to be together through the holiday period but not sure my kids are going to want that :( they like him. I just have to negotiate it carefully.

There has also been some more weird confusingness from DD's dad.

The last thing that happened was that I had arranged to see him one to one while dd was away, in the hope of an honest discussion about our feelings/the future, but he cancelled and rearranged for a time when DD was back, so she obviously came too. No discussion, fine, I assumed he wasn't interested.

This week she is back at school although I am on half term, and the usual thing is he picks her up from school on Fridays to have a piano lesson at his house and then I collect her from there at 5. He has text to ask if I would like to come earlier - presumably to spend time with him, as she will be at school then in the singing lesson? But when I asked him when he was thinking, he simply hasn't replied.

Also, he has apparently sworn blind to my brother that he spent his actual birthday with me, my mom and dd. But he didn't! We went out for a meal the day AFTER his birthday - on his birthday himself, I assume he saw OW. (If I can still call her that - she is probably just W now!). It's just such a weird, pointless lie. Although if he had spent his birthday with me, I guess I would have taken that as significant?

It's my brother who is most convinced DD's dad is still interested in me romantically. (They have remained good friends and talk often). And now it seems almost as if dd's dad is deliberately going out of his way to convince my bro of this.

But why? What can he possibly gain from doing so?

And we women are supposed to be the confusing ones .....

Hope it goes well. It's a tricky one I think, when you are happy with most aspects of a relationship but feel you need change in a particular area. It's something I have worked on with different counsellors over the year (as my big problem used to be demanding too much change, I think). Their responses differed vastly. One categorically told me you will never change anyone else, only yourself. Whereas my life coach, who I still use occasionally so he was probably the best counselling I ever had - reckoned that if a decent man knows change is needed and understands what that looks like he will at least try to deliver - and that a man who won't try, is not a decent man .....

I suppose one other thing to consider is how you would feel if he made a similar request of you? Do you feel invested enough in him and the relationship that you would at least attempt to make reasonable changes? If so, then it's very reasonable to ask the same of him.

This is a tricky one. How old are both sets of kids? And will this be their first time spending Christmas with a new partner?

The fact that they like him has to be a really positive sign!

Sorry, I realised after I wrote this that I made it sound like you want to change him as a person, and I can see that it's not that - more just certain aspects of how he does things? I know there is a difference .....

Update date mr football is heading binwards I think - havnt been able to arrange a 2nd date and today I messaged him and asked he interested in meeting up and he was so patronising about something so now may
have the ick, however mr spain and I have agreed to meet a week tomorrow - venue tbc - and another casual/on off mr leaf is around - may meet on Friday but he is not v reliable so we will see -

Hope the lid doesn't hit his derriere on the way in to the 🗑

@Ilovelurchers dd's dad needs decentreing. He seems to be getting a LOT of attention from a LOT of people just for...being a bit shady?

He should be rewarded with your wonderfulness ONLY if he is being straightforward. Delayed replies and weird fibs to your family are not straightforward ♥️💙♥️

Just popping back on to say I’ve reached the 18 month mark with Mr OS. Met him last April on Bumble and we’ve had a lovely time since 🥰.

@Nosdacariad- I hope Mr Tennis has firmly knocked 🛬 out of the park!

@BoxOfCats- sorry to hear Charismatic is AWOL and hope your op goes well 🤞

@Ilovelurchers- what a lot you have going on 😬. Sorry to hear about MrCricket & ex living rent free in your head, it must be very annoying - he does sound like he has a lot of main character energy and needs relegating to understudy! Sorry if that sounds harsh: Hope you get to meet up properly with MrPaint soon.

Talking of MN groups, I met a lot of my antenatal group and still see 4 of them almost 20 years on!

Good luck to all the newbies and returners. I have 2 friends who have been OLD for years and it’s exhausting and depressing although both have met people they’ve ended up good friends with so maybe not all completely awful!

Couldn't agree more.
So giving him so much of your energy - mental and emotional.

As for mr paint, how long would your friend want you? Is there any chance you can email him to say 'so sorry, my oldest friend is having a crisis and I need to spend the afternoon with her and won't be free until after 7pm. Can we rearrange?'

Then that would give him the chance to suggest out of hours meeting up...?

You are so right! Xxx

As are you! My ex definitely has massive main character energy!

Mr Cricket less so - I don't think about him much any more thank God.

Anyway, I have just had to cancel tonight's date with Mr Suit. I got here early so popped into a pub for a drink, and was chatting online with my BFF. She asked me if I had checked Suit on our local Are We Dating the Same Guy group. I had not. I did. And guess what - the woman he is currently seeing had posted about her suspicions about him just 6 days ago!

Anyway, I commented saying I was due to have a date with him tonight, but have now cancelled it. I hope she isn't too upset, poor woman - but it's always better to know these things, I think.

And bloody Hell - talk about closely dodging a bullet!!!!!

I will check every prospective dare on the group going forwards (you can search by first name). Might check Mr Paint too. Hell, I might check DD's dad as well - wouldn't surprise me in the least to find him on there! 😱😱

You women are all so lovely - I love the way you are all cheering for me and Paint (who does indeed seem utterly lovely and very deserving of this support) although the fancying aspect (him fancying me) may well be entirely in mine and my daughter's head.....

The trouble is, it's still technically a work meeting (a totally pointless one, that could easily be accomplished in a one paragraph small and in no way requires face to face conversation - but that was his idea, so I have leapt at if!). So I can't really suggest out of office hours at this point. Though we both seem to be attempting to arrange the meeting as close to shop closing time as possible - it's certainly in my head that it could then potentially spill over into a post-work coffee or drink - I am really hoping this is in his head too!

He has suggested Saturday as an alternative but I will have DD with me and she will kill me if I make her "third wheel" on me and Paint (her phrase, not mine!) again. I think I will rearrange for next week, which will mean popping into the city after work one evening - a bit of a pain but I think the potential is worth it - plus I do have some Xmas shopping for DD I want to do. (Including in Paint's actual shop! )

I would so love to meet a straight forward, completely single man, who just wanted to spend straightforwardly nice times with me and is also loyal, kind, good company and hot! I do have a warm, positive feeling about Paint, somehow. But who knows......

That should say "in one small paragraph".

I wasnt suggesting that you suggest after hours.

I was suggesting that you carefully set things up so it's easy for him to suggest after hours.

Come on lovely, be a little devious here!

@OctopusStingThank you! And great update, pleased for you!

Bloody hell!

Can't believe he is on there and his current partner has posted. Such a lucky escape.
These are we dating the same guy groups are so helpful for women.

Love it! 🤣🤣🤣

Thanks for the new thread @Nosdacariad.

Still with Mr CS. We still have some compatibility issues I'm still trying to figure out in my own head. All lovely apart from that.

Aren't they just?

I found one of my BFF's exes on one of them once - turned out he was up to all sorts.....

It's a shame there is such a need for them.....