I’m 46, married with two children, 13 and 9, and I’ve finally told my husband I want a divorce. The problem is that he’s refusing to leave our home and I’m honestly starting to feel like I’m losing my mind living like this.
There’s a lot of history here so apologies if this is long.
We’ve been together for years and I think I’ve been unhappy for most of them, although it’s only recently I’ve admitted that to myself.
My husband has always had a temper. He’s called me a stupid cunt, an ignorant cunt, an idiot, and plenty of other things. Sometimes over absolutely nothing. I’ve spent years trying to anticipate his moods and keep things calm, particularly for the children.
I’m not saying we never argue or that I’m perfect. I’m certainly not. But there’s a difference between having an argument and living with someone who can turn the atmosphere in the house horrible in seconds.
Our daughter is 13 and has autism and ADHD. She’s a lovely, bright, funny girl but she struggles with emotional regulation. She sometimes swears when she’s frustrated, particularly at the minute with hormones thrown into the mix.
My husband cannot seem to deal with this at all. He shouts at her, calls her disgraceful and seems to take everything she does as some sort of personal insult.
Our son is nine and is much quieter. A few weeks ago he forgot his jacket and my husband started throwing shoes around and shouting. Our son was nearly crying. I remember looking at him and thinking, what the fuck are we doing here?
On 5 October our daughter said “fuck sake” and my husband absolutely lost it. He screamed at her, called her disgraceful and made her cry. Our son was visibly jumpy. When I intervened I was called an idiot.
Afterwards my daughter asked why her father was back and said he was a shit husband and a shit father.
I know she’s only 13 and children can say things in anger, but she’s been telling me for a while that she wants us to divorce. She’s noticeably happier when he’s not around.
I’ve had cancer in the past and underwent major surgery. The mortgage on our house was paid off through an insurance payout connected to that. I also had some frightening medical investigations afterwards, and one of the things I’ve realised looking back is how alone I felt through all of it.
I work full-time in a senior management role and manage a large team. At home I organise virtually everything. School, appointments, additional needs, shopping, food, activities, the lot. My husband works too, but the responsibility for keeping family life going falls overwhelmingly on me.
In August he called me an ignorant cunt and threw a small keyring at me while I was lying in bed. I know that sounds almost ridiculous because it was such a small object, but it was the fact he threw something at me in anger.
I started speaking to a solicitor around that time and quietly making plans.
Then on 14 October there was another incident. Our son frightened our daughter with a Halloween costume, she shouted “fuck sake” and my husband went ballistic again. Afterwards he described her as a disgrace.
I told him there and then that the marriage was over.
He told me I’d “gone in the head”, questioned whether I was still taking my medication and said everyone in the house was a fucking disgrace.
Then he told me to go to my parents because he wasn’t going anywhere.
And that’s basically where we are.
He hasn’t left. He’s still living here. He seems to be carrying on as though this is just another argument and eventually I’ll get over it.
Something else happened on 18 October which I’m finding really difficult to talk about.
I’d come home from hot yoga and was still in my gym clothes. He wanted sex and I didn’t. He kept pressuring me, I tried to stop it, but eventually I gave in because I felt I couldn’t get out of the situation.
During it I dug my nails into my own thigh hard enough to leave marks. I was consciously doing it.I’d come home from hot yoga and was still in my gym clothes. He wanted sex and I didn’t. He kept pressuring me, I tried to stop it, but eventually I gave in because I felt I couldn’t get out of the situation.
During it I dug my nails into my own thigh hard enough to leave marks. I was consciously doing it.
Our children were upstairs. My daughter called for me immediately afterwards. I went to her and then got into the shower and cried.
I haven’t really processed that yet. I just know I didn’t want it to happen and I felt absolutely awful afterwards.
I’ve documented it.
I’m also finding that my body seems to be reacting to all of this. I’ve lost my appetite, lost weight and I’m constantly anxious. I still get up every morning, go to work, manage my team, look after the children and do everything I’m supposed to do. But I’m exhausted.
The house is complicating everything. It’s mortgage-free, largely because of the insurance payout following my cancer, and the land was originally gifted by my father. It’s worth a substantial amount and I know there will have to be a fair financial settlement.
I’m not expecting to keep everything and leave him with nothing. I’m prepared to take on a mortgage if necessary to buy out whatever share he’s entitled to.
But why should the children and I have to leave our home because he refuses to go?
Our daughter particularly needs stability and routine and I really don’t want to uproot her.
I’ve already instructed a family solicitor and we’ve discussed a Non-Molestation Order and an Occupation Order. My solicitor previously indicated there were grounds for a Non-Molestation Order, but I haven’t proceeded yet because I’m frightened of how he’ll react.
I have another meeting with my solicitor on Monday 2 November, when I hope to get some clarity about what happens next. I know none of this will be resolved overnight.
The strangest part is that I’m not particularly sad about the marriage ending. I’m frightened of the process, the money, the children and what he’ll do when he realises I’m serious. But I don’t want to reconcile. I don’t want counselling. I don’t want to try again.
I think I’ve spent years being unhappy and I’m just done.
I keep imagining a life where I come home from work and the house is peaceful. Where my daughter isn’t being shouted at and my son isn’t frightened of someone’s temper. Where I can go to yoga, cook dinner, read a book and not have to worry about what mood someone is in.
That sounds like such a small thing to want.
I know I’m probably in for a difficult few months, but I genuinely feel hopeful about life on the other side of this.
Has anyone in the UK, particularly Northern Ireland, been through a divorce where their spouse simply refused to leave the family home? Did you manage to stay in the house with the children? Did anyone have experience of Occupation Orders or Non-Molestation Orders?
And how did you cope with continuing to live together when you knew the marriage was completely over?
I don’t need convincing to leave him. I’ve made that decision.
I just need to work out how to actually get out of this situation without everything
Thank you