I’m in my late twenties and my partner is in their early thirties. Together around three years, long distance for almost two, and neither of us wants children. We live in different cities in Ireland and usually see each other every weekend. He lives about 2hr 30min train/drive away.
My partner has recently been saying they feel sad about not seeing me during the week. I understand that and want us to share everyday life too. But I genuinely don’t know what the practical answer is.
They work in the tech sector, earn a good salary and have more career opportunities in their city. Their current job requires office attendance for part of the week. They enjoy living there, although they would like a better work-life balance and don’t necessarily intend to stay with their current employer forever.
I work in healthcare and am fortunate to have a permanent job locally. If I left and subsequently wanted to return, securing another permanent role could be difficult. Moving wouldn’t necessarily be something I could easily reverse.
I’ve been living with family and saving, and I’m now buying a two-bedroom new-build apartment in my city, due to be ready next year.
To explain why I bought independently: we’re not married, maintaining my financial independence has always been important to me, and we hadn’t agreed where or when we would live together. The Irish housing market is extremely difficult, and I had the opportunity to buy a modern apartment I could afford in a particularly desirable location. I spent months researching it, discussing it and repeatedly going over the finances and alternatives. It was a carefully considered decision.
I don’t regret buying. It gives me stability and the opportunity to build equity in somewhere I’d genuinely love to live. I didn’t want to leave my housing situation on hold indefinitely without an agreed alternative. However, I would explore selling or renting it out, subject to the relevant conditions and costs, if we made a workable plan elsewhere.
I genuinely love visiting my partner’s city. There are concerts, restaurants and loads to do. I have seriously researched moving there, but suitable housing seems extremely expensive, whether buying or renting. Enjoying weekends there is different from affording everyday life there, particularly once jobs and commuting are considered.
I don’t want to rent long term. Home ownership, financial independence and building wealth matter to me, alongside having enough left over to enjoy life.
My partner currently rents and would like to buy independently. They earn well, but the market is so expensive and competitive that I don’t know what they could realistically buy or when. I suppose I’ve been waiting to see how that develops, without us agreeing what it would mean for living together.
They might consider my city eventually, but not soon. There are jobs in their field nearby, although I recognise that doesn’t mean equivalent pay or career prospects. Equally, moving to their city would mean significant career and financial decisions for me.
Our apparent options are:
- They find suitable work in my city and move into my apartment.
- They buy in their city, I find suitable work there, and we establish what to do with my apartment.
- We work towards buying together in their city, based on a realistic joint budget.
- We continue long distance for an agreed period while actively working towards one of those options.
Am I missing anything practical? For anyone who has faced this, what did you establish first — actual mortgage budgets, job opportunities or a preferred location? How did you compare the sacrifices fairly and agree a timescale?
We know we want more time together. What we need is a realistic plan for where we could live and how we would afford it.