To stay or leave - is this just conflict or abuse?

[Watchthecracks]

I wondered if anyone could help me identify if this is just conflict or abusive behaviour please?

I asked to end our relationship a few months ago. Things have been building over the time we have been together to the point I have become quite unhappy. This is not the first time this has been raised - twice before over last couple of years. Both times he persuaded me to continue. This time he did again, one last go. I think he realised i was serious and had somewhat checked out. He called it a wake up call and has been making a big effort on many issues.

However, during lots of conversations, he increasingly saying that my behaviour is responsible for our issues too and he would like me to accept that because he doesn't think he is solely to blame. He jumps between being quite frustrated and angry to very loving (sometimes quite stifling), but I've pretty much pulled the rug from under him so it's understandable he's struggling emotionally with all this. I've asked to go no intimacy (context below) which has not gone down well though he is trying to accommodate it and said he understands, but he said it's painful for him to know i don't want to be touched and don't feel safe. I have lost all interest in sex, and have zero libido at the moment

Genuinely not sure if I'm the bad guy here. I'm definitely an avoidant personality and think I have been my whole life. I worry that I lack empathy and can be cold, maybe I have a further personality disorder, I'm not sure.

For context:

• DH and I have been together almost 20 years with two tween children.
• DH is a good person who loves me very much, fiercely I would say.
• We both work now, and money is almost equal, but for 15 years of relationship, I was breadwinner due to his ill health and mental health issues. He was main carer for DC1 when I had to return to work FT, and for DC2 I was able to drop two days and it was more equal. However, housework and organising kids has been left to me, even when working, which is something he is now trying to rebalance after I have raised it.
• He hasn't always enjoyed being a father and this is seen in his strained relationship with our eldest.
• He has had substance abuse issues in the past which severely affected our family life and our relationship
• He has had anger issues which he has been working on but there have been big blow ups at me and in front of the children over the years, which have left their mark on me and my nervous system
• intimacy has been an issue for a long time as we have mismatched libido (mine much lower) and i am not hugely comfortable with physical affection. Subsequently, I have ended up being intimate many times when I haven't wanted to, to keep the peace and avoided sulking or moods on his part. This has affected how I view intimacy and has come to a head recently.
• I have not always met his needs. I sometimes struggle with wanting to connect with him and he needs more than I can give, which leaves me feeling obliged to meet his affection, but he can get sulky and moody if I don't
• I'm having counselling which has highlighted some problems with the way we interact and made me face up to some things within our relationship that are hard to stomach.

I can't work out if this is all just unhealthy two-sided conflict or problematic behaviour. Everytime we have a conversation about any of this, I think I know what I know, but then he seems to persuade me otherwise, until I'm not sure if I'm actually the bad guy and causing problems for no reason. Its very confusing. If it is me, maybe we'd be better separating so i don't inflict that on him, or anyone else in the future. But he doesn't want that and says we can work things out and be better together.

I’d start seriously planning an exit from this relationship before your kids and you are further dragged down with him. You can leave for any reason and you do not need his permission.

There is no strength without pain, i am happy truths were found in counseling sessions, the relationship will start to repair and develop again, once the issues at counselling are dealt with.

I think that you should both stop focusing on blame.

The idea that someone is to blame because you want or need different things stems from the belief that your relationship has to last. It doesn't have to last. You can decide it no longer works without either of you being "bad" or "to blame".

Your relationship should only continue if it is good and healthy for you and those dependent on you. If it isn't, you should make the painful decision to part. It can't be good and healthy for anyone if you want and need things that you can't give or get from each other.

Once you rid yourself of this notion that success only lies in the continuation of your relationship, you'll be able to talk about whether you can be good and healthy for each other without hurting yourselves.

I can see why you want to end your relationship with a man who loses his temper at you in front of your children, who has been an addict, and who has no problem having sex with a woman who really doesn't want to be having sex with him.

You don’t ask to end a relationship. You don’t need his consent or agreement. Just end it. There are so many examples of abusive/unhealthy behaviour in your post that I lost count

I wouldn't stay.

There's coercion around intimacy and the fact you feel the need to ask permission to end the relationship shows there's a power imbalance. He's blaming you rather than taking responsibility for his own actions. He's manipulating you. Of course he doesn't want you to leave, he's on a power trip and you are right where he wants you. He's not going to give up that control without a fight and he'll say its your fault.

Read Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that" and see if the behaviours are familiar.

One thing you really need to feel in your bones is that you don't need permission to end a relationship. He could be nicest, kindest, most loving person in the world and it would still be absolutely fine for you to walk away if that was what you wanted. You don't have to justify anything to anyone, ever.

You have put up with a hell of a lot - substance abuse, mental health issues and an imbalance in practical effort. For him to say that you're not doing enough indicates a horrific level of arrogance. He feels entitled to your service and is annoyed that you're not providing him with what he wants. He is also happy to use your body to suit his own needs. It's doubtful that he sees you as a person at all - more as a bot, there to solve his problems and soothe him. When you stop doing that, he gets annoyed and jumps through a few hoops to shut you up.

To answer your question - this doesn't sound like two-sided conflict and it does sound like problematic behaviour. But that doesn't matter at all. You're clearly not happy. When you got married, it wasn't a whole life sentence - you can leave, any time that you want. He can whinge and cry and blame you all he likes. So what? You only have one life and living it with a lazy entitled idiot is a waste.

You don’t ask to break up with someone, you tell them that you are breaking up with them. Don’t get sidetracked or drawn into who is to blame, you want out and that’s that.

You need to own tbe limbo you are in and get off the merry-go-around. Tbe sooner you do, the sooner you can start moving on.

You need to get out of this relationship.

It sounds like this relationship is over. I would be making plans to separate.