Worried over my brothers behaviour TW possibly stalking?

[Foreverbear]

Please be kind as I am really stressed out about this.

My brother is 40. He had a long term partner, but they separated around 3 years ago and he never really got over it. I know hes tried to get her back a few times and shes turned him down, but I didnt realise the extent of his pestering until a few weeks ago when I bumped into someone I know who is a friend of ex. She told me some things DB has done/is doing and said that have made me really shocked. Such as -

Constant (described as relentless) messaging, often late at night about how depressed and lonely he is.

Lashes out when she doesnt reply, blaming her for his unhappiness & saying he will harm himself (and apparrntly has, on two occasions)

Calling her unpleasant names and implying her actions are disgraceful when she has gone on dates with other men

I am frightened that hes on a slippery slope to stalking her and will get himself into trouble, or hurt either her or himself. When I brought it up with him he told me I am over reacting and its just their relationship. Am i right to be concerned over this behaviour and try and get him to seek help? Or should i just keep my nose out? Thank you for reading.

Yes you're right to be concerned and yes you should try to intervene.

You can tell him that whatever he thinks he's doing, his ex doesn't agree. Tell him that when she eventually reports him, the police will absolutely regard his behaviour as harassment and they take it much more seriously than they used to.

Clare's Law covers both convictions and complaints that did not lead to an arrest or prosecution - so if a future partner or friend/relative of partner asks for disclosure by the police of any history of abuse, this will show up.

He needs to stop now.

What can i do to make him see his behaviour is problematic? He doesnt want to listen to me or anyone else

I would be tempted to contact his ex and tell her this has come to your attention and that if she wants to report him to the police you'll support her 100%.
And I'd tell him that until he stops you want nothing to do with him and if he tries to contact you you'll report him to the police for harassing you.
He needs to be left in no doubt whatsoever that his behaviour is not only unacceptable, it's actually criminal and you have no hesitation in bringing him to justice.
Also you could contact the Suzy Lamplugh Trust for advice.

Suzy Lamplugh Trust

It’s harassment. She needs to formally ask him to stop all contact, otherwise she will report him to the police. I did this, and the police warning did stop the perpetrator.

Your poor DB needs therapy.

She needs to report him. Not warn him of reporting, actually report him.

Also, you need to talk to him and tell him to stop.

And block him, why are they still, in contact

Why does she not block his number and stop this?

She might have already spoken to the police, and they often say don’t block (because you need evidence) and speak to them again if it gets worse or similar. He might have already been spoken to by the police and is ignoring them? Who knows 🤷‍♀️.

Sorry this is a massive thing I left off my OP. They have children together, 4 & 6. She doesnt block him because they need contact about handovers and school stuff. They were together 8 years and I know his mental health was up and down a lot during that time although I dont know all the details.

Shes made it clear she only wishes to speak about the boys and keeps her correspondence to that. Hes complained to me many times before that are replies are very short and to the point whereas he will try to draw her into conversation - I had always thought her to be a bit OTT but now I can see why she has had to set such firm boundries.

I would tell him under no uncertain circumstances “You DONT have a relationship with this woman. And if you don’t leave her alone, you won’t have one with me either. Your behaviour is abusive and you need to seek therapy”.

I wouldn’t also message his ex your support. Something along the lines of, I’m sorry my brother is behaving this way, I hope he leaves you alone but if he doesn’t, please go to the police as it sounds like you need their help”.

Ah that changes it a little.

I’d be like “She is absolutely correct not to talk to you about anything apart from the kids. You are behaving like a massive wanker. Sort yourself out”. Don’t miss and hit the wall.

I am now very concerned about the children, he is already self harming. Some men in this position get to the ex by harming the children. I think as you are the aunt you need to get together with the ex and discuss. Police must be informed.

I have to say, I agree. It's really horrifyingly common for men to harm the children to get to the ex

I was hoping people would say I was over reacting tbh but my suspicions have been confirmed.

My nephews are his world though I genuinley dont believe he would harm them. He just desperatley misses having a proper family life and gets really down about it.

I need to do something though. I feel so sorry for her.

If he is abusing their mother, that is abusing them. Especially if they are witness to it. But even if they aren’t, damaging the oak, harms the acorns.

Not only that, he is teaching them that it’s ok both to treat other people that way and, to accept that kind of treatment.

It’s not love if you threaten, intimidate, abuse or stalk their mother. Would you say it was love if he treated his girlfriend wonderfully but abused the children? Of course not. Hurting one hurts the other. He knows this. He just doesn’t care. They aren’t his world. They just aren’t old enough to want to stand up to him yet so he sees them as little extensions of him.

My nephews are his world though I genuinley dont believe he would harm them.

Op, please think about what you just wrote and what a terribly low bar that is.

You don't believe he would harm his children? That is the very minimum required of any human who isn't imprisoned.

You were right in your first instinct. I would get in touch with his Ex and encourage her to report him right now. Tell her that you will be a witness if you can add anything for the police. If there are children and there is a court-mandated agreement in place she can go back to court and ask for (and will likely be granted) his harrassment to be reflected in his access.

Sounds like a mental health issue. Maybe a police ultimatum would help him.

Thank you everyone for the reality check.

I think you may need to tell the woman your brother was with.

Our siblings don’t always behave the way we want. In fact you might wonder if they share your value system at all. If I were you (and I’ve done this), meet him for a coffee, and in very simple direct terms say ‘you cannot be doing this. It is not good for her. It is definitely not good for your children. And you could land yourself in serious police trouble if you don’t stop. Now what help do you need to move on?’