Relationship has ended. Help me process this one aspect (affection/sex).

[FruityLittleVoice]

Long term relationship has ended. No desire on either side to rekindle. I'm 46. He's 50. No DCs together.

One of the major issues was physical affection and sex.

I fully get that everyone is entitled to want however much or little sex they choose and that sexual compatibility is key. I can see now that overlooked this from the beginning due to ex being such a nice guy and we had so much fun together but as my mother says "The things you choose to ignore at the beginning will be the reasons for the end". Damn was she ever right.

Over the years his lack of interest and lack of physical affection has left me feeling like my (what I consider to be "normal") expectations are excessive and I am some sort of sex maniac and that my previous (very physical) relationship has made me have unrealistic and unfair expectations of any man. I have also been left feeling undesired and therefore undesirable and my confidence is in absolute bits.

I really just want some impartial people to tell me if he is right and I am a freak for not being ok with a sex life consisting of the below:

Him:

Not much interest in sex in general. Interested enough when it's happening but could easily go without. As time went on and my confidence eroded I stopped initiating. I've never had to ask a man to show me they fancy me before and I'm not going to start now.

No snogging/quick cuddles etc through the day to show love or build up to sex that evening. Just a kiss on the neck or a squeeze of the bum when he got in on an evening and I'm cooking for eg would've been nice.

NEVER wanted sex on a night when we went to bed. Instead would want it on a morning when time is v limited due to work. To me sex in bed at night is just.......what normal people do?

Always wanted to finish me off manually before PIV. He would say this was to make sure I was happy but I believe it was to get my orgasm out of the way and focus on his. The predictability made me feel like a task to get out of the way and was a real turn off. Also I can orgasm easily with PIV so didn't need to be "sorted" first.

Very uninterested in giving oral although happy to receive.

Very little foreplay. Minimal kissing. Same moves/positions (him on top) most of the time unless I took over.

No interest in texts/photos (nothing OTT btw just a bit of flirty chat/teasing to try and build up a sense of anticipation for that evening etc).

No compliments when I was dressed up unless prompted (and therefore redundant).

No affection in front of other people (I don't want PDAs but literally nothing that suggested he was proud to be with me or was in love with me).

When I tried to talk about any of the above he would insist that he was in fact a very tactile and loving person and I was unreasonable.
This has made me feel completely doolally as literally none of his actions support this.

I am not trying to place blame on him btw. The breakup was about more than just this reason and I have plenty of flaws of my own that contributed but I feel that my failure to ever feel secure in the relationship was almost largely caused by never feeling wanted.

Help me process this please 🙏

Sounds like a really tough place to be OP. It sounds like you were not compatible - you both wanted different levels of sex and intimacy. You are not broken. When you are ready, you'll discover that others will be more compatible. Wanting sex and intimacy isn't wrong or makes you in any way flawed. Next time, and I learnt this the hard way too, look at his actions, not his words, especially when they don't match up.

You were very incompatible physically.

Not sure what to say except, recognise the importance of tactile and sexual affection to you from now on, and back out of any relationship where the man is not physically matched with you.

You are not weird. Even if you had a way higher than average sex drive, that isn't weird, it's just who you are and you need someone who matches it.

Always wanted to finish me off manually before PIV. He would say this was to make sure I was happy but I believe it was to get my orgasm out of the way and focus on his.

I dunno, I would think he was ensuring you are happy before getting what he wants, so this wouldn't bother me.
The rest of it sounds like incompatibility though.

As others have said, this just feels like incompatibility to me. He had a much lower sex drive to you, and didn't find it particularly interesting. Doesn't sound like touch in general was that important to him.

You, on the other hand needed that.

You're not a freak, he's not a freak, you just really weren't suited to each other in that way.

You are not a freak. I think you’ll find someone more suited to you in due course.

Was the sex ever hot, impromptu and passionate in the early days?

Thanks for the responses. I am reading and digesting them all.

@Hiredgun the sex was more spontaneous at the start as it always is in any honeymoon phase of a relationship. I was more sexually forward then as hadn't yet had my confidence dented at that point. It quite quickly became apparent that his baseline for sex/physical touch was very different to mine.

I also don't believe we ever had a deep emotional connection via sex. It was fun and gratifying but never super intense or emotionally charged.

Agree on incompatibility, someone sending me flirty texts and touching my bum in the kitchen would give me the ick. Also the morning thing was common with older men i thought (as in over 45) . Making sure you are finished first is good manners.

You were incompatible. The only thing I would take issue with is his assertion that he is indeed tactile when it is perfectly obvious that casual touching isn't for him.
Try not to take any of it to heart, neither of you is wrong/odd, just different from each other, with different expectations.

Good luck and hope you find what you’re looking for. Full compatibility isn’t easy to find but sounds like you’ve reached a limit.

You don't sound compatible to me.

I think it's normal for your self esteem to take a bit of a hit when a relationship ends but don't let it in any longer. Don't dwell on any of this stuff, there will be someone else out there that is right for you - or not - and you might be extremely happy single with a full life of fun and adventure!

Your expectations around sex were completely normal! Your partner was crap in bed.

Society - and, frankly, half of bloody Mumsnet - can make women feel weird or ashamed for wanting sex and finding it important. It is completely normal to want sex, and it’s completely normal to want more than Mumsnet’s preferred option of missionary once a week in silence.

The sounds like we were sharing the same man !
Must be a few of the same out there !

Definitely incompatible. But I’ve never felt a deep emotional connection via sex, so maybe that’s not how everyone experiences physical intimacy? You’re fine, though, not weird, not undesirable, just with the wrong person for you.

It isn’t good manners to make sure someone is ‘finished’ in a way they find boring as hell and don’t need.

He wasn’t doing it for the OP, because as the OP says in her post, she can come from PIV sex, and found his insistence on using his hand on her first really dull. He was doing it for himself so he could get the PIV part over with quickly. That’s not good manners. Good manners is listening to your partner and not acting as if they’re some kind of nymphomaniac for wanting more from a sexual relationship than an incredibly pedestrian routine with zero affection and passion.

It’s not at all standard for men of any age to only want sex in the morning when there’s not much time for it.

The OP’s requirements for a sex life are honestly very ordinary. She’s really not asking for much at all.

You did the right thing breaking up as you just aren't compatible. Just learn from this for the next relationship - know what you need, and end it early if they aren't meeting your needs.

BTW I think your needs are more 'normal' and healthy. But hes entitled to find someone who is more like him.

I hear you all re: the lack of compatibility. That's the crux of it really isn't it.

I feel silly for having let this go on for so long but I really wanted it to work with ex as he truly is a good man. Just not the man for me. I need someone with more.....oomph. In all aspects of life really.

I guess I tried to pretend it wasn't an issue and that all the physical stuff didn't matter to me but it does. It's part of a wider picture of feeling loved, appreciated and seen.

I have my own house, good job, teenage DC who keep me busy etc so will be absolutely fine on my own. And if/when I feel ready to date I think I'll keep things on the more casual side.

🍷

I think that’s a great attitude. Being single is pretty great (I was for 8 years). It’s only mildly second to being in a really amazing relationship (which I am now). If I lost it tomorrow being single is absolutely awesome (I sometimes miss it). Being in a shit relationship where you are craving physical affection and sex is way way down in the rankings. It’s not even close to as good as being single and all the joy that brings. I wish more women realised that.

Enjoy this time now. It might be over sooner than you think and then you might have wistful thoughts about it like me. It’s only cos my DP is so bloody amazing that I’m not alone. 😊

Thanks @seanconneryseyebrow I'm glad you've found someone worth not being single for 😊

It's day 10 since my breakup and I think I am actually more peaceful and calm than I have been for months. I'm no longer in constant turmoil/fight or flight thinking "Does he even love me?" "Where is this going?" "Why am I not enough?".
I've done so many jobs round my house (that he promised to help with but never actually did) and I have booked a holiday for me and the kids for next summer.

I will be ok. Onwards.

Yeh - do all the things you wouldn't have done with him. Then slowly youll start thinking 'this is actually better - why was angsting over this?'. You will have your moments of course, but challenge yourself. Like why am I sad Im at this group dinner single?, would we have even been speaking to each other? why do I not being single at xmas, exactly how would it be worse? When I really dug deep, sometimes, for me anyway, it was the socialisation about being single being 'sad' 'less than' than the actual reality. 'Oh being single on xmas day must be soooo lonely'. Is it though? I mean mybe it is. All I know is on xmas day Ive got to go and see a load of new family I dont know or like so Im pretty miffed at that. When i was single I only had to deal with my own nutters. 😊

Just some food for thought.

It will just be me and my DC for Christmas day (my family are in another country) but I am seeing it as a chance for a lovely quiet foodie day for us.

Previously I would've been at ex's cooking full Xmas dinner for some combination of his family (while he did v little) so I guess I'm off the hook for that 🤷

I think sex doesnt happen unless both people are in the mood for it.

Erm thanks for that manly insight @Prycejosh1987 .

Ex is asking for a "catch-up" this weekend to discuss staying in touch in future etc. I've said no. If I'm honest I think this is just his need to always be seen as the good guy manifesting and I don't feel obliged to indulge it. We're over. We have no ties. Why would we stay in touch.

In unrelated queries is it bad if I already feel kinda ready to date? I think being made to feel so unattractive for so long has left me craving some (unserious) male attention.

Did he end it? It kind of reads like he did. And he’s now trying to soothe troubled waters.

ultimately it reads like it was the right decision, it wasn’t working.

He did end it @Stormyrose but we've both been unhappy for a long time so I knew even as he was saying it that it was the right decision. It just still feels like a rejection which is always hard to process.

My nervous system has been much calmer for the past 2 weeks. I'm taking that as a sign.