Narcissistic parents, how on earth to break free

[Toolittletoomuch]

I just had to share this one.. (33yo DD to a narcissistic dad and for some reason completely unable to say no to him. Any tips on this welcome).

He lives in Swansea, separated from my mum for 5 years and has been engaged 3 times since. He’s now onto his next.. hasn’t come to visit myself or 4yo DD in a year because he can’t afford it (we have driven to Swansea).

However he’s paid for his new partner to fly from Edinburgh to Southampton (where I live), asked me to drive and meet them at the station, he’s then going to borrow my car to drive to a nearby town as she’s desperate to see it, asked that I just occupy DD for 5 hours whilst they do this, then he will drop the car back to me. Also asked me to sort out the insurance so he can drive it.

Honestly I know I have mug written across my forehead - and somehow still feel like a sad little child that he couldn’t make the effort for me, but will move heaven and earth for someone new.

I have booked to take him out for his birthday in Swansea in November, trekking DD across the south coast - I want to just cancel it.

Not sure what I’m looking for, but it’s exhausting.

i totally understand and have a similar dad. At your age i was still trying to get him to be the dad I wanted. I am in 50’s now and have given up and am at peace. Hardly ever see him. Never get caught up in his drama. He doesn’t even know the names of his grandchildren.

i think it just takes time - becoming a parent helped me to see how shit he was as it made me realise he was just selfish - nothing else to it. I looked at every decision I made in my child’s best interests and realised that in every one of those instances he chose what was best for him instead.

it’s a sad loss op and heartbreaking that we don’t have dads who are worthy of the title. But it’s the hand we have been dealt. Sadly I also picked partners who I repeated the pattern with. Hope you are smarter than me in this respect.

good luck .

i think you need to find your anger about this, somehow.

that's what will help you either say no to this, or to allow yourself to start to disconnect from him after this.

how often do you have contact with him?

The only person who can stop this is you. Ask yourself why you're putting yourself and your daughter out to accommodate someone who doesn't bother with you?

Sometimes puppies that are given lots of loving attention grow up to be happy, independent dogs, within the pack mentality. The puppies that aren't abused, but are ignored and thrown only crumbs of attention become the adult dogs who crave acceptance and positive attention, fawning to the boss to get the smallest bit.

We aren't that different.

You need to give your longing for a loving father, that hole where he should be a real Dad, a place in your emotional life. Acknowledge that that's what you want.

Then write down the number of times he's made an effort for you, and the actual man he is, instead of the man you want him to be.

Think about what will happen if you carry on being a useful resource for him, versus if you don't.

Is he worth your efforts?

I'm sorry. It's very, very hard and hurtful when we take a look at the cold, selfish fathers we have rather than the loving ones we'd like.