Where do I draw the line with husbands moods?

[Girlmom35]

Married 9 years, 2 children aged 7 and 5. Been unhappy together for at least half of that time.

We have a really crappy dynamic where my husband can't deal with basically anything I say, ask, need or feel. I'm using todays example, but the same thing happens all the time, and can be triggered by any subject where I express how I feel or talk about my needs.

So, history wise, we have a lot of tension around intimacy and sex. When I met my husband, I was very comfortable having sex whenever he wanted. I enjoyed it, I felt comfortable in my body, the relationship felt safe and close. Over the years several things have happened.

1. He took certain medication for years, which gutted his libido. We barely had sex, it just wasn't possible. I didn't like it, but got used to it. Then he went off the medication and his libido came back. It's been hard adjusting to sex suddenly becoming part of our lives again. I'm not used to being touched anymore.
2. He has become someone who doesn't feel emotionally safe at all. He's angry all the time, he's defensive, he's very easily triggered. I've become a master at communicating as cleary and as gently as I can, but he'll still find a reason to be angry with what I say. That makes it harder for me to see him as someone I want to be intimate with.
3. Pregnancy and motherhood have changed my relationship with my body. I feel self-conscious about my belly and don't like being touched there. My kids also tend to be on my skin most of the day, so I do get 'touched-out' by the end of the day. I'm often not in a mood where I feel sexy or sensual.
4. I have discovered that I have boundaries. I've been to therapy for years to work on myself, become stronger, discover who I am and what I want. I didn't used to know any of those things and just took care of everyone except myself. I've gotten better at articulating my needs and taking my emotions seriously. That means I also discovered that in the past, a lot of times I had sex when I didn't actually feel like it. I don't blame my husband for that. He couldn't have known.
5. I don't know if it's age or the fact that I use hormonal birth-control, but my libido has lowered a lot since my twenties. (He promised to get a vasectomy after our second child, but has now decided he doesn't want one, so I'm thinking of getting my tubes tied so I can go off birth control). I've also noticed that my libido no longer has an on/off switch. I need build-up. I need time to move from wiping butts and doing laundry to feeling like a woman, and that doesn't happen just because my husband grabs my breasts.

So back to today. I've recently lost a lot of weight (28kg) and have started dressing more like I did before motherhood. My husband has taken that as an invitation to touch me whenever he's near me. Combined with him going off his meds, he now has a strong desire to constantly touch me and have sex more frequently. And to be fair, he's never pressured me. But the consequences of me saying no are always so dramatic that I'm finding myself just letting him do whatever he wants, just to avoid the tantrum I know I'll have later on.

Yesterday he suggested we watch a scary movie together. I had already been feeling a bit touched-out. He tends to grab me a lot, put his hands on my belly (which I hate, but he always 'forget's), my waist, my behind, my thighs and inner thighs, my breasts. A hug is never just a hug. So I tried to tell him that while watching the movie, I'd like it if he could just hold my hand or put his arm over my shoulders if he wanted to touch me. But that watching a horror movie does not make me want to be touched intimately. Other than the fact that he ignored my question several times and started rubbing my inner thighs, and I redirected him every time, he started getting more and more short with me throughout the evening and it lead to a fight today. And it's always the same thing.

• I reject him constantly (I initiated sex twice in the past 2 weeks)
• I must be disgusted with him
• It's not normal for a woman to not want to be touched by her husband
• He must not mean anything to me
• I make him feel like a pervert
• I make him out to be a rapist
• It's obvious I don't love him anymore
• I would be happy to live as brother and sister

And then when I point out that it's my body and I should be able to express a boundary, that my body is not common good. That I understand that he may feel upset, but he should not take that out on me, then he goes on to the next part:

• I said it wrong
• I said it at the wrong time
• I said it in the wrong tone
• If I had said it right, he would never get upset at my boundary

This is not an isolated event, and every argument we have goes the same way. Am I missing something here? Do I have a blind spot? This isn't normal, right?

This sounds knackering for you.

God, it really is. I'm so drained from constantly managing his emotional reactions. And it's not like I haven't talked to him about this, but he's uncapable of having a difficult conversation without escalating it into a fight

It's a horrible feeling. I used to cringe whenever my DH hugged me as it was always seen as an invite for more.

I've drawn somewhat of a hard line and lied to his face that my anti D's have killed my libido and I don't want any sex anymore. Yours might understand that given his history?

That helps although he still does the same with snogging. I feel bad as I know it's impacting his self esteem but just feel bleugh at the idea of it.

I think if the relationship is good and you feel loving towards each other, it's normal to enjoy being intimate and touched by your partner. If you don't feel close, you're not getting on and you don't feel your partner understands you and how you're feeling then it's difficult to feel like being touched or intimate. Certainly, being grabbed or groped by your partner isn't going to achieve what he wants, it feels like another demand on your body and an unwelcome one at that! He doesn't show respect for you so of course you don't feel like being intimate with him.

He needs to understand female sexuality - it doesn't start with physical intimacy, it starts with being considerate and caring for you, acting like a full partner in the home and making sure that you get time and space for yourself. If my DH says he'll sort the dinner and clearing up, get the kids to bed and tells me to go and have a soak in a hot bubble bath, I'm much more likely to feel warm and loving towards him!

I think these kinds of problems are very common when you have young children, little time together and you're tired! Maybe couples counselling would help? It would give you a space to communicate honestly and really listen to what the other is saying. He is reacting to feeling rejected and not getting to the root of the problem by trying to understand where you're coming from. A good counsellor might help to bridge the gap between you.

You’ve worded that quite gently but your husband is sexually coercing you and assaulting you. Your description of “ redirecting “ him was really sad to read.

He knows what he’s doing. He sounds horrible.

My ex husband only ever came near me when he wanted sex . No hand holding or any affection at other times.
Tried talking about it to no avail.
He ended up cheating so I left .
I dont miss him at all.
I should have left years earlier . So much wasted time

He is constantly subjecting you to repeated sexual assaults, and then getting angry with you when you reject him. That is not acceptable, is it?

He sounds like a revolting sex pest. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

I agree with PP that he is coercing you. If he makes you feel so bad when you say no, that you just give in it’s hardly true consent is it?

The repeated sexual grabbing is disgusting and again shows he has a lack of regard for you and is ignoring consent .

Were the medications he was taking for anything mental health related like depression? Depression obviously isn’t an excuse or valid reason for his behaviour, but if he’s not dealing with a mental health issue well and he’s now walking about full of rage this may go someway to explaining (not excusing) his behaviour.

• *I reject him constantly (I initiated sex twice in the past 2 weeks)
• I must be disgusted with him
• It's not normal for a woman to not want to be touched by her husband
• He must not mean anything to me
• I make him feel like a pervert
• I make him out to be a rapist
• It's obvious I don't love him anymore
• I would be happy to live as brother and sister*

He sounds utterly pathetic with a victim mentality. You said you initiated sex twice in last fortnight so I assume you’ve had sex at least once a week on average. He’s acting like you haven’t had it for months and months and being overly dramatic. Yuck!

When this was happening to me I told him plainly I wouldn’t be having sex with him anymore , or any physical contact whatsoever due to his revolting behaviour. He didn’t like it and there was an atmosphere, but I refused to discuss it. At the time a constant atmosphere was favourable to the daily gropings and victim act. It kept things manageable until I was able to leave.

Please don’t take a pp advice about counselling. This is abuse and counselling won’t help. It also isn’t about sex. This behaviour is a set up. Men like this make sex as horrible as possible so you’ll refuse , then they feel justified abusing you for not wanting them. You know he’s doing this this when he touches your tummy.

Please don’t take a pp advice about counselling. This is abuse and counselling won’t help. It also isn’t about sex. This behaviour is a set up. Men like this make sex as horrible as possible so you’ll refuse , then they feel justified abusing you for not wanting them.

yes I agree it can’t just be about sex @Onceuponatime32 Do you think it’s a control thing? And or some weird kink?

To give some more context (not justifying his behavior, just to explain).
He's been suffering from depression and an anxiety disorder for many years. That's why he was on the medication to begin with. He was doing better, so his doctor said he could try without.

He also has autism. Now, I know that doesn't excuse him. But when he does things like touching my belly, it's not because he knows it will upset me. It's because he lacks the capacity to understand that just because he doesn't mind his belly being touched, someone else may not like it. And that's the whole bottom line actually. He can not understand that when he likes to be touched, I might not. When he's in the mood, I might not be.

And so when I say no, he can't think of a single reason for it, other than I must not love him anymore. But regardless of the why, it's so exhausting to have to constantly manage his emotions.

Redirecting is what you do to a small child or dog training and shouldn't be needed for your husband. You've been quite clear. Definitely don't be thinking that if you could just explain it in the right way, he'd understand. As a last attempt if you want to then you could put it in a letter when he can't respond in the moment so has to absorb. But i think it's about what do you want to do next.

You’re just making excuses for him.

If you’re saying “don’t touch me like that “ and he still does it, that’s abusive. He’s not a two year old. The autism really isn’t a get out clause for not having any respect for you.

If you want to invest in your marriage, not that you need to, but if you want to see if it can work. I think that especially with your update about autism you need to approach this in a structured way.

Have you come across sensations focus? It is just one approach there are others but maybe look find one you are comfortable with.

505-Couples-sensate-focus.pdf share.google/j8f6ZQVsNfyOOwEUB

As a ND woman can I just say this is shit. If anything being ND you understand more than anyone that individuals have their own quirks and sensory needs and sensitivities. It should not be too much for a grown man to grasp that you do not like a. Being touched on the belly or b. Being groped when you have told him this.

As I said above I guessed the medication was for depression. Unfortunately some people dealing with mental health take out their anger and frustration on other people. This seems to happen more with men IME. Again as I said upthread - it does not justify or excuse things.

It sounds like he is just trying to use you and your body as a way to make HIM feel better but at your expense. It is disgusting because he lacks consideration and care for how you feel.

I don’t see how this is relevant to OP? This man is abusive and disregards consent. Let’s start there.

He's abusive and tantruming to get sex. It's coercive and you need to leave before he forces himself on you more overtly.

Your second line would draw the line for me:

Been unhappy together for at least half of that time.

So even without the further detail, you know it's over. You just have to gird your loins (and boundaries around them) and decide when and how to separate. This is not a situation where the happiness returns and you deserve so much better.

The OP appears to want to make this work. I am not commenting on that but giving a clear structure which her husband can understand. If he is not willing to engage with it then she is on a hiding to nothing but it gives her a final attempt if she wants to use it.

Sometimes it is easier to walk away if you know you have tried everything. Some people need a final test as it were.

This. OP. Read this again.

Op you seem to be suggesting that he lacks the capacity to understand consent. If that is truly the case he is not capable of being in a relationship at all and probably needs a full time carer. Has he had problems violating other people? Why did you continue to date him knowing he had issues understanding consent?

I think he understands far more than he’d have you believe. He sounds and behaves like every other sexually abusive man. My ex said the exact same thing about not understanding and he’s not autistic.

There is something quite frightening about his insistence that he doesn’t understand sexual consent. He’s absolving himself of any responsibility both now and in the future.

Suggest he asks his gp to refer him to someone able to teach him about sexual consent.

I’d be gone. He doesn’t see you as human.

God this sounds exhausting op. You dont sound happy. Can you leave? Sounds like youve tried over and over but conveniently, hes not listening. Hes a sex pest who uses coercive tactics and guilt if you say no. I could never just hug my exH. He would always try to turn it into sex. In the end i just stopped all contact