Stay or go - how to actually make a decision?

[LucyMacLean]

Ours is a very common story, going by other posts I see on here.
Late 30s, together 15 years, 2 primary school aged children.
Both working full time, but with the vast majority of the mental, domestic and childcare load having always fallen to me.
I’ve tried talking to him about this for years but saw very little change until it all came to a head around a year ago when I completely burned out and subsequently disconnected mentally and emotionally from our marriage.
He eventually recognised the damage he had done, has taken responsibility for organising marriage counselling and has, to his credit, taken on a significant amount more at home.
In a practical sense, our marriage feels much more like the partnership I’d wanted, and I’m feeling much less resentful, however my feelings for him have completely changed. I don’t hate him, I don’t even dislike him, I just don’t really see him as my husband any more. I have zero desire to be intimate with him. He’s like a coworker at this point.
I’ve been very honest with him about how I’m feeling and both agreed not to make any rash decisions, to give it time and to see if things got back to how they were emotionally. I don’t think my feelings for him are coming back but I now feel completely stuck because there is nothing really ‘wrong’ any more. A year ago it would have felt easy to leave, now we actually have a more equal partnership, I have more time for myself, we have a nice life with two good incomes, the children are doing well, so is blowing everything up now even worth it?
I feel completely paralysed with indecision.
It would be great to hear from people who have been here, what did you do? Any regrets?

One important part to add - another big issue for us has been around physical intimacy. I got to a point where I was so exhausted at the end of each day trying to manage everything that I simply had no energy or desire for sex, he would still often ask and then get very upset when I said no. He’s never been aggressive or physically forceful but would complain and nag so much that on many occasions I relented and just did it. I feel disgusted still that he could even stomach having sex with me when I clearly wasn’t up for it and upset with myself for allowing it.

For now, try to think of the improvements as a first step, but you have more to go. Your feelings aren't like a light switch that will turn on right away, even as things have improved.

I suggest searching articles on activities you can do with your husband to reestablish and emotional connection. Physical touch is important. Exchange back or neck or foot rubs while watching TV or listening to music. Begin a new hobby together like dance lessons, pottery class, a creative writing group, etc. Establish a regular date night. Write him a note saying what you appreciate about him. Text him with something romantic during the workday. Hopefully he'll respond with his own efforts. Basically fake it until, or if, you make it.

Even if you can't bring about the feelings you need to continue, at least you'll know you pulled out all the stops before calling it quits.

Thanks, we have been trying to do more together just the two of us. We can have fun together, it just all feels very platonic for me.

The physical touch part is a big issue, I posted the second part probably after you read, but the sexual coercion has left me very reluctant to let him touch me in any way. He gets it, I think, and isn’t even trying, but it feels like a long road back