Put off serious relationships as a single parent - do you feel like this too?

[Lizay27]

Singlr parent here with an ex that unfortunately contributes nothing to raising kids (emotional or financial), though he was same throughout our marriage, pretty much lived a single married mans life. He was like the lodger in my home. Used to bother me that he never really attempted to support his family or better his prospects for our future. Even more disgusting now that he doesnt support with his kids. Anyway after 20y of marriage, i was done!

Now, I have been casually seeing this guy who is also a single parent (kids live with ex) and he is a nice man, but my interest in having a serious relationship with him or anyone else is below zero. Ive had four years of battling through being a single mom and now enjoy my peace with my kids, no expectations, no man-child etc. My parents keep saying "oh hes such a lovely man, you should try to build something with him" - but i am genuinely not interested in having a partner. I feel like I had 20y of being married, and suffered especially last 6years of it, which took a huge toll on me, the thought of disrupting my peace that I have built is so off putting. I want to focus on my children and myself and devote my time and energy into this, rather than trying to find time to see someone regularly and I am certainly not wanting to introduce anyone to my children as they are young.

I was lucky when i ledt my relationship i could stand on my own feet and support my children cause I had activrly pursued to improve my qualifications to move up the ladder. To be honest, now if I see that a man is not driven in character, and hasnt really established himself by the time he is hitting his 40s or 50s, it puts me off even more - i know its a very negative way to view things especially in this economic climate but its how i feel, ive dealt with a man like this and not going to let myself get roped in again for the sake of a companion, then have to carry everything on my shoulders.

Now this casual man that I am seeing, I have made it clear several times that I like my single status. At the beginning i thought he was happy with this as it just gave him someone to bond with and hangout with, go to dinner with etc. Now i think he hopes i will change as he sometimes sends me loving messages - i think i am just going to have to just cut this interaction off because hes seeing potential and i dont want anything further.

Has anyone else felt like this?

So he’s more of a friend than a partner? Or a casual shag?
If he’s expecting the relationship to progress to living together then you need to be really clear that is never going to happen.

I don’t blame you in the slightest. I would never live with a man again.

Well you aren’t really single if you are seeing someone and your parents no him. But staying single is no bad thing at all, and as a single parent myself I couldn’t get excited by a guy who has kids that live with the ex.

You've blurred the lines.

If you want a FWB, don't be introducing him to your parents.

Has he met your kids?

I totally understand what you are saying OP and I agree with you.
I divorced many years ago, I have had a few relationships, a couple that have been serious, but never wanted to ever live with anyone. One of my relationships ended because of this.
I am in a relationship now with a man who feels the same way. We have our own lives and are totally independent but when we are together its lovely. We go out, stay in, go on holidays, spend time with each others kids (mine are now young adults, his are younger). But we have no plans to ever live together.
Some people find it strange, I think its healthy, we know our boundaries and have a really good relationship.

I totally get how you feel. But what do you mean when you say casual, it sounds like this man is kind of an exclusive boyfriend which I wouldn't describe as casual? Do you basically want a friend with benefits? What have you discussed with him?

In my opinion it is perfectly possible to have a long term, exclusive relationship involving feelings that does not ever mean living together and building a combined life (in fact it's the dream IMO!). But if you don't want feelings involved at all you need to make that clear to him and it sounds like it probably won't work for him, it's very difficult to maintain long term.

Op were we married to the same person! Resemblance of what youve written is uncanny! Also feel the same as you re dating. Im loving life being single, i dont want anything full on and too serious eg living together, to disrupt this.

i doubt ill ever get into such a relationship again if im honest, and im ok with that. I did 26 years so enjoying the peace (sounds like a prison sentence!)

my perfect scenario would be a guy who has his own money, job and house. I see him probably two-three times a week. Were not shagging around with others. Text daily but no one has the mardies if a text is not replied to within the hour etc

I too prefer single and prefer the casual friend and lover scenario. This guy sounds like he's caught feelings so you need to offload. First rule of this kind of type of casual relationship is as soon as someone starts to get attached it ends!! And there is no blending of families or friends.

Parents know of him cause he is a local. He hasnt met my kids and i havrnt met his. His children livr with his ex.

I suppose i have a situationship with him. I dnt know? We havnt talked about it but i have said " thats why I like being single". I guess i mean by that no serious relationship commitments. I do like him but after being trapped in a marriage with a deadbeat man i dont want to be trapped again i feel very protecrive of mine and my childrens peace

You just have to have a conversation with him about what you both want.

I think your relationship can look like whatever you want it to be, as long as youre both going into it eyes open. Just talk to him and be honest about what you can give.

You also never know how you might feel as kids grow up, your boundary may tighten or loosen.

Theres nothing wrong with not wanting a traditional set up.

I'd let this one go, you want different things.