Loves me but not like he used to

[BrightStork]

partner and I have not been getting on well the last 3 months since our baby was in neonatal unit after being born 10 weeks early. He has emotionally withdrawn in terms of seeking more alone time (gaming more), not being affectionate at all, lacks patience with me and is easily irritated. After a couple of weeks not knowing where I stand and him being pretty silent I asked if he still wants me to live here (its his house) he said to do what I want and I asked how he feels. He said he doesn't know but then said he loves me but not how he used to. I feel devastated that this is our situation with a beautiful baby after a tough long NICU stay. I'm unsure what to do with that information of how he feeling whether to stay under one roof or leave. I feel like if a man doesnt love a woman the most after just delivering a baby he won't in future?

How cruel to treat you this way after everything you have been through. I’m appalled. I hope you have plenty of family and friends around you for support as this guy is unlikely to step up. I don’t want to upset you further, but is there any possibility he may be cheating? Xx

He's upped his gaming while premature baby is in hospital and once home?? Nope, your a new mum having a stressful time, the world doesn't revolve around you, but your house should! You must feel so vulnerable and low, I'm very sorry it's like this for you.
Immaturity might be his fall back reaction to stressful times as it feels safer playing games than caring for such a vulnerable baby, but...he's treating you awful. Have a short but consise talk giving both of you chance to discuss how you are feeling, and realistic options. Saying it's up to you is just stepping back again from responsibility. He doesn't want to be bad guy throwing new baby and mum out, so either you leave or suffer, probably for as long as you stay. Childish and no real thought of future from him.
You will regret putting up and shutting up, women get long term illness from bottling up years of resentment , it's a wasted life.
Work out what suits you best, honestly and for longer term.

what is wrong with men it looks to me your partner is either resentful of the child as he is no longer the focus of your attention or he’s not sure where he fits in this new relationship with child when my daughter was born I thought my wife looked amazing and couldn’t wait to hold my daughter how is he with child dose he do his share eg changing nappies and feeding

Leave as soon as you can.
This is the shape of things to come. He is a pathetic manchild.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and I hope little one is doing well now.
I know a little bit about what that experience feels like and how it can affect people.

Obviously, in an ideal world he would be being supportive and loving during the recovery period of what has likely been emotionally draining, incredibly worrying and stressful time, on top of what it’s already like adjust to long to a new baby, less sleep, less time etc.

you do deserve this from him, and if it’s just a case of he’s checked out then I agree with pp that perhaps you should think of leaving. Alternatively, new dads do suffer depression too with the symptoms being withdrawal and irritability. All I’m saying is consider this as an option, not that you should put up with his behaviour towards you

Oh, @BrightStork the last think you should have to be doing now is having to worry about him and his gaming and withdrawal: he should be looking after you and your wee one

Shift your focus to what YOU want. Is it this ? It’s not the stuff of happiness

I hope you’re doing ok

I think this must have been a very stressful time for both of you and it's not surprising that it has affected your relationship. I don't think a few months after having a baby is a time when I would expect a couple to be most in love - it's hard having a newborn (especially a premature one) and most relationships do suffer under stress. I'm not saying things will definitely work out between you but I don't think it's unusual to go through a bad patch like this. It's possible that things can improve between you.

As you're not married and your relationship is rocky please don't give up work or go part time - make sure you go back full time after maternity leave and share the childcare costs.

You've started a few threads about your partner since your wee babies birth OP. About the fact he is not an invested father. That he has made it clear his gaming is more important to him than you or his child.
Honestly OP I think you should come to term with the fact you would be much better planning your future as a single parent.

How long were you together before you got pregnant? I’m sorry it doesn’t sound good and he comes across very cold from your posts. I agree it’s likely only to get worse ☹️

He's pointless. You can't be dependent on a crappy boyfriend for housing, is there anywhere you can go?
You need peace, a house of your own, and only communicate with the man via a parenting app.

Most couples struggle after a baby as they have to focus on the baby let alone a NICU baby.

If your partner was a decent man with no reg flags before the birth I would suggest it could be his way of grieving the whole situation. If you want to work on the relationship I would suggest couples therapy.

Congrats on your baby OP. It’s a massive change of lifestyle. Of course he should be more supportive. It must have been hugely upsetting for you both when baby was in the specialist unit. Tell your partner what you need. Is he confident handling the baby? A lot of men can worry about this, especially when baby is very tiny. Was your relationship good before the baby? If so, you should get it back, it will just take time. Have you got anyone one else to support you OP? Could you consider dates with your partner, my late MIL was absolutely fantastic when we had our two, looked after them a night a wk, so we could have a date night, get out of the house and talk about us, rather than just about the babies. That really helped our relationship and built a lovely bond for her with our children. Honestly the early days are very tough, take whatever help you can get. Good luck OP, I hope it all works out well for you.

Is there a possibility that he is suffering from postnatal mental health issues? Dads can suffer as well as women, and more support services are cropping up.

Obviously this doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you. But I wonder if you can raise this as a possibility with him. It may be worth him chatting to someone about it.

Some good places to start:
https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/our-services/support-for-dads/
https://www.dadsrock.org.uk/
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/ (this one is not focused on fathers specifically, but they are national and well known)

Men cannot be natal, so don't get post or pre natal depression. They can be depressed at having a kid, sure, but this boyfriend doesn't seem particularly bothered.
Indulging himself in a new games console and being irritated by his girlfriend sounds like it's a shitty person behaviour rather than someone who needs anti depressants, but I'm no GP.

I feel so upset for you. That is appalling treatment, just when you need support and understanding. I’m so sorry you are going through this. He sounds really uncaring and also a very poor father to be treating the mother of his brand new baby like this. What a turmoil for you. I don’t want to advise what to do as I don’t know what he was like before this happened - either he’s outright horrible or else he is reacting very selfishly to a traumatic situation that he feels unequipped to handle. Neither is ideal.

Do you have a nurturing family? You so need some emotional support at this time.

He does help a lot with bottles and nappies to be fair and is upbeat with baby. He was great in the dating stage and we both were keen to start a family and were only together 8 months before becoming pregnant. He did become less attentive during this time but still showed up well.
He has described himself as a broken man and says because I have prompted discussions about things and he has felt challenged and unappreciated and so I have caused him to be like this. He wont agree to couples therapy and he doesnt like to chat about it so i'm helpless as to what I can do. I am having my own therapy

You're not helpless, you're 100% in control of your life, financial security, your future. You can choose a life of happiness or accept lone parenting in your boyfriends house.
You're still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship, this is him as good as he'll get. You can choose if you want more from life.

I thinked you jumped into having a baby far too quickly. I think you would be wise to accept this relationship is not going to last and make plans to move out as soon as you can.

Oh Jesus this feels extremely cruel to do this to you especially post partum. I would up and leave personally, tell him to have a good hard think about what he wants and go find a place of your own if you can if not speak to the council. You’ll be a hell of alot happier there. It may make him realise what he’s giving up and if so great give it another chance if that’s what it has taken if not you’ll be happy in a home that’s yours.

i do feel like you have a duty to protect your baby from a feisty household, they sense so much more than you know

I know it’s too late now, but why on earth have a baby after 8 months? Anyway, you clearly need to get your own place and live there with your baby. You are not helpless, it feels a little now but it will be a relief

Did you both plan a baby after only 8 months or was this an ‘accident’ ? Driven by one of you deciding to have a baby without the other being fully onboard. ?

Op: you married a narcissist who most probably wanted a baby, not so much a partner, you were the "means to an end" so once he got the baby you get discarded, not only that but you've questioned him and narcisists don't like that, they can't handle the uncomfortable reality babies bring, your life doesn't spin around him anymore so he wants out. You've been officially discarded. If this is his home it will only get worse. You need to find a place for yourself and get out, talk with friends and family and ask for help taking that step because if you stay this has the potential to turn into a DV situation very quick.

Now he changed phone password, we agreed start of relationship to allow access to each others phone

Women can't "be natal" either. It's a word that means relating to birth, not uniquely giving birth.

Irritability is a common symptom of both depression and anxiety.

People don't just turn into assholes for no reason, unless they are sociopaths but obviously that doesn't make up much of the population...

I mean, it's not a healthy sign to have to make that kind of agreement at all.