Sibling estrangement

[socksandshoos]

Fell out with DB after parents died, no big argument just lots of disagreement about how to manage probate. Sorted after 4 years & legal action by me and since then no meaningful contact. I’ve found out he’s moved house but is still local to me.

my issue is he continues to send birthday gifts to my children (I stopped once our relationship soured). He’s made zero effort with any of us otherwise, and my 8yo has no memory of him.
He hand delivered a bday card for me on my milestone bday but that was the only time. He didn’t knock on the door

the messages are always generic Dear.., happy birthday Love … Nothing else.

I don’t get why he does this 3 years on from our last face to face contact. If I message to say thanks I get nothing back so it’s not him trying to rebuild our relationship

I’d like the presents to stop unless he wants to give them in person but I don’t know how to phrase it - I’d message not phone (he wouldn’t answer in the past so I’d end up messaging anyway. I can’t imagine having a real relationship with him again but it would be nice if the cousins could hang out

What happened

Yes, I think you’ve left out the most important bit. What exactly caused the conflict?

Do you mean you had to take legal action against your brother?

If you want real advice rather than to just vent to strangers on the internet, then you’ll need to tell us what actually happened. Otherwise it’s just speculation. Maybe he wronged you and this is some kind of olive branch. Maybe you wronged him, and he’s trying to open the door for you to apologise? Or maybe it’s just some weird sense of obligation. It’s impossible for us to tell.

I am nc with my siblings. They send birthday and Christmas gifts which are unwanted but I don't really stress about it - they are vouchers which are added to the account balance and just get used as and when. I don't think too hard about why or where it's from and I don't acknowledge it. If it's physical gifts you could just sell on vinted and get some use from it.

I personally feel it’s great that he still give cards, it shows he still cares. I wouldn’t tell him to stop, if he didn’t want too then he wouldn’t. Maybe you could try and rebuild your the relationship especially for the sake of the children knowing their cousins!

my issue is he continues to send birthday gifts to my children (I stopped once our relationship soured)

His problem is with you, not your children, it's horrible to make children the victims of their parents fall out. I also don't know any man who sends cards so i think he wants to keep the door open to a reconciliation.

I’m in a similar situation, we still have our mum, what are you doing about Christmas?

Thanks for the responses. The fall out was over the fact he didn’t want to sell the house but couldn’t afford to buy me out. We had to sell it to pay the IHT. I had to force the sale after 4 years as the interest was accruing on the IHT. Initially we were on the same page but it became obvious he couldn’t raise the cash but he refused to accept it He agreed to sell after 3 years of telling me he had the money, went thru the entire process with before pulling out at the last minute, hence me having to force the sale. But this isn’t really relevant anymore. The estate was sorted and we haven’t seen each other since

He’s hand delivered 1 card with no message other than writing our names. I’m bothered that he turned up on my doorstep but clearly didn’t want to see me.

Xmas we’d go to our parents and have a great time. We got on until probate got dragged out.

my question is how do I word it? “Hey DB, thankyou for the gift but please don’t do it moving forward, as the kids ask why we aren’t speaking & I don’t really want to go over it every birthday”

he’s cancelled last minute the last 4x I’ve suggested meeting up on the day.

i feel the gifts are an empty gesture. They need family presence, not tat. Thankfully my in-laws are great and we see them often

"But this isn’t really relevant anymore. The estate was sorted and we haven’t seen each other since"

It's relevant because it caused the estrangement and understanding what happened might help make sense of his actions and intentions.

He could be angry, or he could feel ashamed.

Was it him who stopped speaking to you or was the estrangement mutual?

It sounds like you've reached out to him several times and he's initially agreed to meet so perhaps he does want to reconnect but feels ashamed about what happened?

If you've decided you no longer want to build bridges with him,then by all means send the message. Otherwise, I think it might come across as quite curt and could close the door on reconciliation.

I guess the core of the question is what are his intentions?
If you feel that he’s being manipulative in the way he behaves towards you and with cards and gifts then it’s fair to want to establish some boundaries.

But that's only my perspective and I dont understand your family dynamics. Hope you get some helpful replies

I suppose I don’t understand his intentions and why he is maintaining remote contact but won’t engage when he has the opportunity to

I just see it as saving face. He’s not ashamed, he genuinely believes he acted fairly (not getting into it but legally it was very straightforward- he wasn’t being fair, luckily there was a will. We wasted thousands getting it sorted because he wouldn’t back down)

Will just leave as is to avoid any drama