Is it worth explaining everything? (trauma)

[RealLifeClanger]

I recently cut contact with a parent for the second time. This parent wants to know why I have cut contact. I have a explained some things previously but not fully. They seem to be in denial or deliberately minimising what happened during my childhood. They wrote me a letter saying they feel sad etc that I have cut contact and they don't understand. They want to know why and there are some things I really want to explain but I'm wondering if there's even any point? I think the denial and minimising will probably continue. Has anyone told all to the person who is partly responsible for your trauma? Did it help?

There's absolutely no point, but people have to get to that realisation themselves in time. S/he shouldn't be able to contact you, do you have them blocked and any potential flying monkeys blocked too?

This article is excellent:

https://issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons/

You should never have to explain to a grown adult why nasty/hurtful/abusive behaviour is such. Explaining empathy to a grown adult is where madness lies. For you.

Abusive people want to keep you on that merry go round though. They want you to think they just don’t get it. They DO get it. It just benefits them to keep you explaining over and over. So that you think “if only I could find the right words to make them understand”. There are no right words. They want you driven mad. They want you doubting yourself. They.want.you.hurting.

Do not look to the person who stabbed you to cure your pain.

I would write a letter with everything you want to say and then burn it.
Then block them and keep them blocked.

You need to choose yourself. Explain to that little inner child of you that you are sorry those bad things happened to her and, you are going to protect her going forwards. That it’s ok to cut people who hurt us out of our lives. That we do not owe them the time of day. They know what they did.

You have two qualities your parent lacks: empathy and insight. There is no point whatsoever in further trying with this person as they will only listen to one point of view ie their own. You may also want to read and or post on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

An abuser isn't walking around in some kind of hallucination, unaware of what they're doing.
They choose to abuse, they do it deliberately, because they enjoy it. Getting the victim to perform for them adds extra delight, whether that's getting the victim to fawn, to indulge them in arguments, or in pleading explanations worded perfectly.

It's more productive to cut your toenails, or just stare at a wall.

I think that if you write something, you need to know ahead of time that they are unlikely to accept what you wrote has validity in it.

There are adults who have reared children badly and have come to realise it and are sorry for it. But those adults actually listen to their adult children and listen to the pain and apologise for causing it. Often things can be mended then (not always, but often). Your parent hasn't - they've minimized it.

For completeness, it's worth writing down what actually happened in factual terms. Depending on your parent, it might be worth stating how this has affected you - again, factually. Oblivious / emotionally unintelligent parents might just realise how they've affected you if you do this. But malicious / unkind parents will get off on reading about your hurt. So think carefully if your parent is either oblivious or unkind. Don't open yourself up to more hurt to the nasty sort.

Sit on the letter for a week or three and then consider again whether to send it.

What do you hope to achieve by sending it? What will you do if your parent denies the events / atmosphere / what you've said? What will you do if they show some glimmers of understanding? What will you do if they genuinely apologise and try to rebuild a relationship?

Writing the letter, sent or unsent, can help clarify your own thoughts. If you do send it, you can also say to yoruself that you have absolutely explained to your parent why you're stepping away. You've done everything you can to mend the relationship. But as I say, consider carefully what sort of parent they are, and what you hope to achieve by sending it.

They think it doesn’t matter. That it’s ok, because they are your parents and love you. That it’s ok, they are your parents, and you have to love them anyway. They think it’s ok because it didn’t hurt them, or they were hurting and that’s why they did it. Or you should have been tougher, need to get over it, they experienced worse etc etc.

They will never hear anything that causes them to take responsibility for the impact their behaviour had on you.
They may (unlikely though) come to the conclusion themselves but again, unlikely.

My sibling echoes my mum. Complains about our mum’s behaviour while behaving exactly the same way. Her DC are one by one reducing contact, and apparently it’s because that’s what counselling tells them to do these days. Nothing at all about the way their family operates.

edit to add- that doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship or contact with the, if you want. It just means you have to stop hoping they’ll change. You need to accept them as they are, and decide where you want to be, given who they are.

In my view , and having gone through similar trauma plus awful relationship with parents: you either have a relationship with them, having accepted that they ll never ever ever ever take responsibility.. or you just let go

my biggest problem with you explaining, is the fact that you have to relive it . Nothing in this world would ever make me say out loud what I experienced myself, so I’d never advice someone to do so (even for therapy)

acceptance (of either situation ) is quite an “end state” to get to …. x

Thanks everyone. The parent has been 'well behaved' for a while as I was in a relationship. I'm not anymore and now I'm on my own they are reverting back to previous behaviours and overstepping boundaries I'd previously set.

Part of me would like to lay it out in black and white and see what happens. But trying to write a reply has already ruined my mood for the day and I'm annoyed that I even have to think about this on the very rare occasion I actually have some free time.

I'm going to leave it for now I think.

Your parent thinks they can control you again and is trying to hoover you back in. They know exactly what they did to you they just want you to go mad explaining yourself.

If they 'behaved' while you were in a relationship and then started trying to control your life when out of one, they either think you need someone in control of you or they think they walk all over you if someone isn't there to stand up for you.

You don't need someone in control of you, and your parent needs to learn to respect that you have your own backbone. You're a grown adult.