This is a rant but also looking for advice from anyone who has been through similar.
Been separated from my ex for almost a year. Ended the relationship after emotional abuse escalated. Has been very up and down since. One mediation session to arrange arrangements for our child. He is angry about what happened and refuses to co-parent effectively with me until I forgive him and accept what happened was my fault. Communicate via WhatsApp. We have met once in person and it was awful; he became angry and abusive. Sometimes things are ok with sharing stuff about our child but other times it’s really hard.
My worry is that he has weaponised our child and is turning them against me. He’s the Disney Dad and I’m the strict boring mum:
- He lets our child sleep in his bed when they stay there. They have never slept in their own room when staying there. They are almost 7.
- He has introduced fast food and they’re having fast food every few weeks when previously we agreed we would hold off on fast food for as long as possible.
- Fizzy drinks are allowed at home, they have tried many different kinds including Diet Coke and normal coke.
- When our child says they don’t want to go to holiday club or swimming, their dad will let them stay home and watch tv or play video games instead.
- Buys them brand new toys every time they see them. Takes them shopping all the time.
- Let’s them watch those shows on YouTube like Salish and Diana.
- Buys her grown-up make up: a dark red lipstick/blusher.
As a result of this our child has become so much more materialistic, doesn’t want to try anything new things because it’s boring and ‘I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do’. I have said swimming lessons are non-negotiable and they tell me their dad says they don’t have to go if they don’t want to. The last two weekends their dad has had them, they haven’t gone swimming. He told me they were ill, they have told me today they just don’t want to go.
I am told by my child that they hate me and I make them do horrible things like swimming (they love swimming and being in water) or tell them what to do all the time (the usual things: brush teeth, bedtime, tidy room etc). They tell me they only want to live with their dad.
It got really bad over the summer holidays as my child was getting so angry with me and aggressive. They didn’t want to do anything. I went to the GP and they have recommended CAHMS referral and pathway for neurodiversity assessment. Her dad was angry about this and has said there’s no point in seeking an ADHD diagnosis until she’s at secondary school now. He was diagnosed with ADHD just after we separated and pushed for an assessment for our child then and I said it wasn’t the right time and to wait 6-12 months. Apparently she’s fine with him as he knows how to manage her ADHD. He refused to share any strategies that work with me but now has said he will.
I just don’t know what to do next. I can’t bring up his parenting in mediation as I get we both have the right to parent how we want. If I say anything he will know it’s getting to me and it’ll get worse.
I try and do lovely things with my child and tell her I love her and show my love through spending time together etc. but I feel like I’m losing her. I don’t say anything bad about her dad, I just say you don’t have fizzy drinks with me because it’s not good for your teeth etc. but she sees it as I just say no to her all the time.
Does it get better?