AIBU for being really hurt by this (and struggling to get over it)
For context, weve been together 10 years, married 3, and have 2 children (hes a great dad)
I found some emails my husband has sent to himself recently of a selfie of his ex girlfriend (from when they were together). He had gone out his way to find this photo and save it and then email it to himself (so I wouldn't see). What makes it even stranger is he had put this photo of her through a face editing app and tweaked her appearance (lighter hair, eyes, a tan etc). When confronting him, he initially denied it and got defensive at me looking at his emails. He eventually admitted it was for no sexual reason (obvs dont believe this) and that it was to see if he could "feel something" as hes been numb recently. He said hes never done it before and would never do it again and that it was silly and "didn't work anyway".
I asked to look at his phone as I didn't believe him and I found some more emails sent to himself (from his own email address - a couple of years ago this time) of 2 other girls he used to speak to many years ago and had feelings for. Again, hes put these photos through an editing app before sending them to himself.
Wtf!? AIBU to be repulsed by this? Do I believe his theory of wanting to test if he could "feel anything or any attraction" towards these girls as he was feeling numb. He admitted he can't feel attraction and that he was testing it.
I feel so hurt and that he obviously doesn't fancy me any more. We're married with children and I love him so I can't leave but basically my confidence has completely gone, I feel repulsed and that I dont know who my husband is. Hes that guy that everyone says is so loyal and would never cheat on anyone etc.
Im not sure if im being petty and seeing this as something bad when it isn't. Im very chilled about him watching pornography etc, but this just seems too personal 😔
Sorry for the rant.