Friend passing on unwanted gifts/items, what does it say?

[Bumpsss]

I'd be grateful for your perspective on this... i just can't figure out if my friend is truly being thoughtful (but not expressing well), or just seeing me as a convenient opportunity to unload her clutter.

I've a friend I'd say I used to be close with - over the years, we've drifted apart (despite of sharing motherhood and etc).

She's got a toddler who's about 6 months older than mine. Since when I was about to give birth, she's mentioned that she's more than happy to pass on baby items (clothes, toys, etc) if I need it. I'm grateful but I've said no thanks as we've already been gifted so much.

But still...she's passed on bags of clothes and gifts which I know are unwanted. The clothes are evidently worn/overwashed, in my opinion not great to pass on, but I tried to make use of them (otherwise it's really to the bins as my local baby banks/communities are overwhelmed with excess clothes and these from her aren't the best condition...).

I've thanked her but I also emphasised again that we don't need anything.

She then repeated this again. Whilst not as much clothes this time, they were still unwanted gifts (like rattles, newborn books etc), when my toddler's 18 months.

Every time she's gifted, she's mentioned she's been thinking about us and wanted to gift us something thoughtful (and knowing I'd like to minimise waste etc).

I just don't think I can trust that was her main intention, given that she's otherwise not really interested in my life these days... but i feel rather harsh for having this thought (maybe I'm being unreasonable and not seeing someone's trying?).

She might think she's being helpful but she's not taking your no for an answer, so she's now dumping stuff on you for her convenience. She probably doesn't know what else to do with it.

My mother used to do this to me. She'd clean out then dump all her 'useful stuff' on me. Huge amounts of it. I was meant to be grateful but it just created mess for me to sort when I was busy enough. In the end I told her it was getting hard to find room in the rubbish bin for all the stuff she dumped on me. She took it with humour but I'd tried nice. It was so hard to get her to stop, so had to be very pointed about it.

You’ll just have to be very firm and direct and refuse to let any more of her stuff cross ypur threshhold.

Does she OTT anxiety about waste? I had hoarding relatives who used to ‘gift’ me all their old shite they didn’t have room for & they really did seem to think they were doing me a huge favoured and I should be honoured.

They would also always ask about their stuff, or want to come and check on it when they came around to visit. 🫤 Bit awkward when I’d taken it all to the chazzer or the tip.

They genuinely could not accept that I didn’t want all their precious mouldy falling apart old things. It just didn’t compute that what was special and sentimental to them was a literal pile of rubbish to anyone else.

I would refuse any further 'gifts'. Just say no.

Hmm, it's probably motivated by a vague feeling of generosity plus wanting to get rid of them. It's time to stop thanking her and to start saying Honestly, we are overrun with clothes and toys and cannot take any more. How about putting them on Facebook?
That should be clear.

Give her the stuff back and say your toddler has outgrown them and she can pass them on to someone else.

Stop accepting any of her cast offs. You're saying no, but your actions are saying, please give me more.

I had something similar! My sister has older kids so not so much baby stuff but older clothes to grow into and unwanted toys. The clothes were often quite dirty still and the toys often broken or damaged so not safe to play with anyway. Call me a snob but it wasn’t what we needed to take. At first I was clear we didn’t need the items so didn’t take them. She then started to give them to other family members to pass onto me but I refused to take them from family members or help dispose of the items. They soon stopped taking things as well, telling my sister to go direct to me which she didn’t as she knew it would be a no. She now often hires a waste company to do a bulk waste, which ironically is when she stopped offering me her hand me downs. I think it was cheaper and easier for her to offload! Stick to your guns and keep refusing the offer. ‘It’s a lovely rattle and book but I have just donated similar myself as they have outgrown them - do you want the details of where you can drop them off?’

She will be wanting to get rid of her stuff but feel like she is doing a good deed and it always feels better giving something away that you think will help someone . Sometimes you get rose tinted glasses about baby things too . I put stuff away that my older children wore and then when I took it out for his little brother I wondered what I was thinking and put it in the bin as it was clearly done but I had loved it .
I would take the bag and say thanks and have a quick look through for anything useful and put the rest in the bin. I have had this before and if people don't listen there is nothing you can do .

She’s hoarding by proxy.

My parents used to do it to me. It’s tedious.

I'd be careful that she isn't going to start asking for it back if she has another. Better to just turn it down.

Just take out what you like- if anything - and give the rest back to her so she knows you are not just a dumping ground for crap. Every time.

Just say no! Tell her you have plenty of whatever it is she is offering and you don't need any more.

Stop her when it happens and say she's causing you extra hassle in dealing with them. Tell her you have enough clothes/ toys etc and prefer them to be new. Never thank her or smile when she approaches with these bags - it is okay to say how you feel!

This

drive round with the bags and say “hi friend, thanks so much but I’ve taken out what I’ll use and bought you this back to give to someone who can use it”

followed by “the gap is narrowing between the 2 kids now and they’re nearly the same size and so please don’t send anymore” x

I don't see why you can't drop it at a charity shop? Or a clothes bin? They can't all be full.

But agree with others suggestions above for how to handle it. I think looking through and giving it back is a good idea 🤷🏼‍♀️