Regret after death of FIL

[Somethinintheway]

I have always disliked my FIL and I’ve not disguised it well. It has been obvious to DH (who to be honest has struggled with him as well) and probably (definitely ) the whole extended family.FIL has just died. Now I don’t know how to navigate the funeral etc without being disingenuous. Want to support DH but honestly, my FIL was a complete dickhead. How to behave?

Just behave as if someone who was loved by people you love has died.

you don’t have to have liked him to be sorry for their loss, surely

I’m not sure what the issue is. You are supporting your DH in his loss, not pretending you’re personally heartbroken.

Just stay in the background, support where required but don’t be in the centre as it’s hypocritical.

Let them grieve as they need to and support their actions. You don’t have to say nice things about him, it’s not even about him anymore, it’s about them and their grief now.

You’ll get them through it.

You can still say you are sorry dh has lost his df without meaning you are sorry he lost That Man.
My ex died and i was euphoric...hid it well from dc..
Allow his grief some respect but don't allow his df to suddenly have been fab...
My dc sport DAD tattoos but when those dark memories surface im expecting trouble..

Be there as support for dh and mil(if you get on with her). Have a neutral standard line about fil when anyone mentions him to you.

You’re going because a member of your family has died. You don’t have to say or do anything in particular. Personally, I always wear black as a sign of respect , though have noticed that many people no longer do. Just don’t do anything inappropriate like saying “ I never could stand him anyway.”

The end of a life is a solemn occasion.
Put your personal feelings aside and behave accordingly to the solemn occasion that it is.

Thank you all. I agree, and I will act accordingly. It’s just that I know my DH knows I couldn’t stand his father and at the moment I wish he didn’t know that. Feeling guilty I suppose. And wish I hadn’t vocalised my opinions all these years and had just kept quiet 🤷‍♀️. It just feels very uncomfortable.

Having morals amd not being fake is an admirable quality. Ime

I have always thought so @Pumpkinsaregrowingnicely but it comes back to bite you on the proverbial

Sorry to hear that OP. My FIL also died several years back, and the fact that I had never liked the man, with good reason, (and quite frankly the marriage between DH's parents had always been very odd) was a very awkward reality to confront around his death and the funeral.

I had a falling out with a close friend about it who was disgusted with my failure to perform grief in the way she clearly thought I should.

I made it through the funeral without incident, but it was one of the oddest days of my life. Brace yourself, as if he was a bit of a dickhead its quite likely a number of his friends who turn up are going to be less than lovely, easy-to-be-around-people too...

I understand op. We’re not very good yet, as a society at being honest about how difficult and unkind some people are in general. I think it’s called ambiguous grief when someone has died but the loss isn’t necessarily terrible for you, it’s just odd. When a difficult member of my family died I found it helpful reading online about funerals where the person wasn’t necessarily much loved. There were also plenty of articles written by funeral home staff about how common this is and advice for coping with the complexity.

Focus on the feelings and support the people who are grieving. It must be difficult for your husband: his Dad was a dickhead and now he's gone and he'll have to make his peace with that now.

I would be avoid talking about FiL In fact I'd probably be finding a lot of practical things to do, looking after the children, getting cups of tea etc.