Please help me - my best friend only has days to live

[EmiliaBassano]

My friend has only days to live. We were at school together, but became really close when we were at college and have been ever since. She had breast cancer 2 years ago and got through that, but collapsed on Monday after being really unwell for a week or two and has pneumonia and sepsis with organs shutting down gradually.

I have to think about the good times, as I have to write a eulogy. I don't recognise her now in her hospital bed. I need to work out how to manage the next few days (she is not really responsive, just mumbling things). I am really not sure how to manage this and cope, and I need some good ideas.

Thank you.

Sit with her. Listen to some fave tunes. Read her some crap from a magazine or if you have a diary some of your young escapades. The eulogy can wait. I’m so sorry

She can hear you. You can tell her what a good friend she has been and remind her of the memories you have shared. The eulogy will wait, but it doesn't need to be polished. If you speak from your heart about your friendship, it will be profound no matter how ordinary it sounds to your ears. I hope you have special moments in her last days.

I’m so sorry. I lost my best friend seven years ago. It sucks.

Sit with her. Squeeze her hand. Tell her about your day. Take photos with you from over the years. Look through them with her, even if she’s just sleeping. Talk about them? Tell her you love her and you’re there, but if she wants to sleep it’s ok.

Hearing is one of the last senses to go, so sit with your friend and reminisce. Tell her how much you love her and hold her hand. When my mum was dying I found reading aloud some loving poetry or books she used to read to me as a child, felt calming and also helped to bring back lovely memories. My thoughts are with you both x

So sorry OP, this sounds so hard.

To add to the other lovely suggestions, does she have a favourite book you could read to her if talking about your memories with her gets too much?

Yes talk to her. Hearing is supposed to be the longest lasting sense. Read a book you think she'd like if you want an alternative. Reminisce, talk about things you both liked back in the day. Tell her you love her and she's loved. That's the most important thing.

There's lots of advice about eulogy writing and you'll be able to come to that later and write about your friend as you've known her best, not as she is now. Don't underestimate the power of just being present with her now.

You can sit with her and hold her hand. Talk of happy memories and how her friendship has made you feel over the years and how much you valued it and why.
Every minute does not need to be filled with conversation. Sitting in silence can be comforting also, just holding hands.
I am so sorry as I am very close to my best friend and I can't imagine how painful this is for you. You will always have this memory and honour of being with your dearest friend at the end of her life.

I.m so ssorry that you are going through this.
I've recently written my mums eulogy. In it I put the usual information about where she was born, where she lived. How she met my dad, but also put memories we had of her, some gentle funny stories, things that made her proud and why we loved her so much.
I spoke to other people too. I was told by people that she was the first to welcome people when they moved to the street abd it put some personality into it. Would it help to tell me a little about her. Why did you consider ger a friend? What did you do together. Did she have family? Do you have any funny memories together? What other friends did you share? What was your favourite trip you took together?
Try to speak to other people about her.

Moving forward, with your grief, how you feel is fine. If you find yourself crying that's fine but also don't forget you are allowed to laugh. It's a cliche but look after yourself and if you need it contact either an Employee assistance program which lots of companies provide or contact your doctor who can give you the details of Cruise and other bereavement charities.

In the interim, talk to her, she might be able to hear you or just hold her hand and don't be frightened to take a break if you need it.
Take care of yourself.

Don’t worry about the eulogy now. Just be with your friend in the moment, sit with her, hold her hand, speak to her, tell her how much you have valued her friendship, play some music, or just sit in silence peacefully as she will want to rest and sleep. Don’t worry if she dies when you leave the room or go home to rest, often people die when they are on their own momentarily.

Take care of yourself, try to rest and eat nourishing food. If she is in a hospice, there may be a nice cafe or canteen you can use if you are spending a long time at her bedside.

I’m so sorry. What a painful thing to go through. Tell her how much she has meant to you and what joy she has brought to your life. I’m sure she can hear you.

I am so sorry 😞 Everything that has been said so far . Hearing is the last sense to go before she slips away. Chat about all the good memories you shared and hold her hand .Xx🌸

I am so sorry for your friend. Stroke her hair, hold her hand, comfort her. She maybe unable to express being scared so reassure her as much as you can. Talk about the good times, the things you love about her. You both have something so special and rare in this day and age. Sending you a hand hold, life can be cruel and unfair x

Following for all the good advice. I fear my oldest friend may not be too far behind yours, OP. Lung cancer for her, and it seems to be progressing terrifyingly fast. She's still independent and at home, but has just reluctantly decided to stop driving after a crisis and a hospital admission last week, and even a very small amount of exertion leaves her breathless. We're now getting to the point of me taking her for "walks" with her dog somewhere flat, where she can use her walker. Hoping for a spell of nice weather, because I don't know how long she's going to be able to get outside for.

I'm sorry to hear this.

On a very practical level, order in soup, quick meals etc and put petrol in your car. Anything you can think of to make your life easier for the next few days. Maybe have a notebook in case you are given info from the hospital or family that you might forget under pressure.

At my relative's funeral, we asked lots of people for their favourite memory then included them all in the eulogy, using the timeline of her life as a framework.

OP how very very sad. Don’t be too hard on yourself if at times it all gets too much and you aren’t up to visiting on occasions etc. Cut yourself some slack and really pay attention to how you feel. If you are exhausted then rest and let others take care of your friend while you gather your strength.
Doctors are pretty good with time estimates but not always…sometimes days become weeks and you get burnt out…
You are walking this path with her - that’s wonderful. You will remember everything months and years later. So do what feels right. Pick a flower and bring it to her bedside. Massage her hand. Scent is important- lavender hand cream is so lovely Birdsong massage wax too….Any small physical contact no matter how fleeting will mean a lot to both of you . Bring along a few photos and talk about them.
When my brother was dying I just spoke to him gently about all the people who loved him. I reassured him it was fine to just rest…I asked him if I could hold his hand. Sometimes he said no!

Thinking of you 💔

Yes, you’ll have time later to plan the eulogy. Be in the moment now and talk to her. Be kind to yourself.💐

I have been there, its soul destroying. Just be there, she can, I believe, still hear you, , talk to her about memories, play songs, just be there, even if you are scrolling tik tok, insta, faceache, etc describe whats happening if you think shed find it funny or gossip worthy