Is it me

[Northandlost]

Never written on a forum before but I have no one and I need some advice.

I've gone through a really traumatic experience this week and instead of having the support of my partner, I've gone through it all alone. He was too busy at work to come with me and too busy to message me during the day to make sure i was ok. It's made an incredibly difficult experience even more painful to know that I'm alone and worrying myself stupid over why he's not made the effort to support me.
I challenged him on it tonight, not able to hold it in any longer and it's turned into a huge argument and I'm left feeling like I shouldn't have said anything. Like I'm in the wrong. He accused me of trying to make him feel bad and in my attempts to try and smooth things over I've apologised but he's now giving me the cold shoulder.
We've not been in a good place and I knew I shouldn't have said anything. I dont know what to do. Deep down I know that I had every right to challenge him but equally I know I've probably just made things worse.

I'm so lost and feeling so alone.

Sorry op, I don't need to know what the incident is, though I'm pretty sure I can guess, and if I'm right he 100% should have been there.

Regardless, if a partner asks for support you give it, you clearly needed the hand hold and he's let you down and let you down yet again by being surly about it.

It doesn't sound like a relationship that can last beyond this op. I hope you can heal without his help xx

He’s just proved to you that attack is the best (easiest) form of defence. It’s known as DARVO; Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender. He hasn’t wanted to address his behaviour, so he’s angry with you for making him feel bad about it. Or, if he doesn’t feel bad, he’s angry with you for daring to ask for him to be a decent partner.

What’s keeping you with him?

So sorry that you are feeling alone, OP.
Few things are worse than being lonely in a relationship.
I don't really have much advice, other than to say a relationship in which you're unable to broach a topic without a massive argument isn't healthy. When things are settled have a chat in a calmer manner and see where things go.
Wishing you well.

Well you know that he chose not to find time to support you. He's shown his priorities. No, you have not made anything worse, you've just shone a light in a place he doesn't want to go. What you do with this knowledge is up to you.

Just scared at what it means. Logic tells me that if he really wanted to, he'd of been there. If he really cared enough he would have found the time to message. But the fact he didn't, means he doesn't. What I don't get it why be in a relationship with someone if you dont care enough to show up when they need you. Why is he with me? Sometimes I feel like he's waiting for me to be the one that says no more.

Sometimes I feel like he's waiting for me to be the one that says no more.

Yeah that’s a pretty miserable dynamic to be in: the only way you can find out for sure is to be the one that says no more. I feel for you.

He’s with you because that makes his life easier. Not because he cares…when someone shows you their priorities with their actions, don’t put your head in the sand and ignore that. A healthy relationship has mutual respect, mutual caring. You both feel cherished. An unhealthy one makes you feel more lonely than being on your own.

You deserve better.

No its not you OP.
I am sorry you have had a tough time.
And yes you are right that a good partner would have been there for you, and you have every right to pull him up on his lack of support.

He is not showing you much care and is clearly showing contempt, which in turn you question if this is all your doing, and no its not, like someone said here above about the DARVO, its meant to confuse you. This is not a good relationship to be in. Find your strength and your worth, he is never going to see it, not now or whatever you may do or say in order to keep his peace. He will just show you further contempt in future, and you deserve more.

He’s with you because he’s spent ages managing down your expectations and training you to tolerate his bullshit and having to start over with someone else would require effort.

Take this horrible time as your key to escape a relationship with a selfish bastard that only cares about himself. Then at least there is a silver lining.

Feel better soon op x

How long have you been together? Any kids? If no to the latter I would say the way you feel now is relationship ending. Listen to your gut. You’re in a relationship that’s making you feel more lonely than actually being alone.

It doesn't matter why he didn't show up for you - what matters is the fact that he didn't. He's selfish and wants the benefits of being in a relationship without making any effort to be a loving a supportive partner.

Rather than concentrating on why he's behaving like this, maybe you should ask yourself if you're prepared to put up with it. You definitely deserve better. Maybe it's time to walk away from a relationship that is not healthy and a partner who is cruel and unsupportive.