How can I improve my social skills and make friends as adult

[EastLndoner]

Bit cringe to admit…

I’m single, late twenties and feel pretty lonely. I only have 5 friends, and sadly 3 have now left my city. 5 friends isn’t much but I still had an active social life due to being invited as a +1, knew my friends friends and their flatmates but now that some friends have left it’s drastically reduced social invitations for me. Currently trying to meet new people via bumble bff and online events/group meet ups without much luck

I’m shy but extroverted, I hate staying in and love an excuse to go out but I’m still paranoid I come across as boring.

One good friend for example who is naturally more interesting can easily make new friends, strangers are always drawn to them. Around 30 people turned up to that ‘cool’ friends birthday party whereas I’m too embarrassed to host a birthday party next year because I wouldn’t have enough people to invite let alone turn up!

It doesn’t help that in London there’s a pressure to have many hobbies (run club, salsa, climbing, etc). I’ve never found a hobby that I enjoy which is also social. I’ve tried things I didn’t like just for the social aspect but couldn’t commit long enough.

I do still have interests though- TV, cooking, thrifting, gigs, raves, travelling, festivals, walks, museums

How can I improve my social skills and become an interesting/charismatic person. I’m definitely not scared of “putting myself out there” it’s just that when I do I feel I come across as boring/bland compared to those who everyone is naturally drawn to. They somehow never seem awkward yet sometimes when I’m speaking to new people it feels a bit ‘forced’ even though I’m a good listener and ask good questions etc.

I’ve even gone solo raving to few times (doesnt scare me) and never had issues chatting with people who will then happily encourage me to hang out with them for the night but afterwards it never really leads to a friendship.

I actually had a bumble bff ‘date’ with a guy yesterday that lasted nearly 3 and a half hours at the pub but then unsurprisingly it ended in a mutual ghost.
I fear I came across too boring yet again even though there weren’t any awkward silences and I asked questions. When saying bye he didn’t mention meeting up again (not even in a fake polite way) so I kind of ‘read the room’ and just said it was nice meeting, get home safe. This is kind of common when meeting new people I’m perhaps acceptable (not socially awkward) but then not the person you’d make an effort to befriend.

It shouldn’t matter but I always look ‘presentable’ and have a ‘good’ corporate job but I don’t care what job someone does as long as they’re good company

Like many people who struggle with friendships, you’re looking at this the wrong way. You’re focused entirely on how you are coming across to other people, and on whether they might be finding you boring, when what you should be focusing on is ‘Do I like this person? Are they interesting to me? Would I like to see them again?’

A good point, but believe it or not I’m actually quite selective with who I swipe for on bumble bff for example.

I have met a few people where I’ve been the one who politely declined to hang out with them again because I found them too socially awkward, not much in common and I couldn’t imagine bringing them as a +1 to something

It’s just there are many times where I find someone interesting, on paper we have similar lifestyles and interests including some perhaps nicher ones but struggle to connect.

Maybe sounds weird but I find people who share my interests are often more likely to be outgoing and have higher standards for friendship. The guy I met yesterday even joked how he swipes no to a lot of bumble profiles

But are you trying to make friends exclusively online?

Sympathy, OP.

I'm 67(F) so hardly in your situation but I did work in London for 30 years. Almost all of my friends and boyfriends I met through work (computing industry).

Do you not socialise with your 'corporate' colleagues? My workmates and I just naturally went down the pub after work, bitched about management, ate lunch in Chinatown, made friends, met their friends, etc. Work's a really good way of learning a lot about people, who you like, and who you don't.

"in London there’s a pressure to have many hobbies (run club, salsa, climbing, etc)" Wow. Where's that pressure coming from? It sounds scary. (Although an ex boyfriend built a fabulous social life doing Ceroc.)

PS. As you like walking, join the Ramblers. I believe that seeing people regularly at shared interest activities is also really helpful. One-off stuff at festivals somewhere else isn't so effective, IME.

PPS. Try education. Evening classes, I know people who built marvellous friendship groups on courses in Vernacular Architecture, for example. City Lit has a good rep.

Do you not socialise with your 'corporate' colleagues?
A great question, I wanted to cover it in my OP but had already rambled too much 😂

My work is not that social, we rarely do work drinks and many people from my team won’t even turn up for Christmas do. I work in an old fashioned company and the young people don’t drink or even attend work socials. Older people are much more likely to turn up but then tend to have very different lifestyle so wouldn’t see them much out of work (live far away town long commute so won’t hang out in London much, and kid/grandkids take up most of time).

I attended a colleagues wedding who is my age but she is very religious so although we get on I couldn’t be entirely honest about parts of my lifestyle. She commutes from afar anyway but we’re friends at work

Another colleague in his 50s drove an hour to mine to gift me some furniture for my new place which was very kind. We get on very well but our lifestyles are too different outside of work.

Some of my friends work in startups and it tends to attract a different crowd - z1/2 Londoners, less likely to have kids. Outside of work I’ve genuinely socialised more with my friends work colleagues than my own!

thank you for other suggestions though @CrystalSingerFan I will have to check out city lit and the ramblers!

No but I probably do use online ways more.

If it works out it’s ‘quicker’ to get to the hanging out stage rather than playing the long game of acquaintances to friends, which you can’t even guarantee the person has capacity for new friends.

I think in a way it’s a bit like dating apps, nothing beats meeting someone organically but if you’re not getting leads you need to be more proactive? In the meantime I’d much rather attend plans to meet strangers online than waste a Saturday night at home.

btw I dont expect to be close friends quickly from someone I met few times on bumble either, takes time too. I just mean it’s quicker to get to the actual hanging out stage, you feel far less embarrassed to ask them to things because you know you’re both open to making new friends

You say you have 5 friends - how did you meet them, what do you like about them, how do you tend to spend time together?

I wonder why you feel you couldn't be honest with your religious colleague - she clearly feels OK to talk about her religion to you, even though you don't share those beliefs/that lifestyle, and it does not worry her that you might feel she is perhaps sheltered or stuck up. I expect that she is aware that not everyone follows her religion, and might do things which are frowned upon by the religion.

I don't have the same lifestyle as all of my friends and I don't have the same morals as all of my friends. I don't feel that gets in the way of our friendship. You keep mentioning lifestyle as though this is some fundamental compatability thing but I don't think that is the case at all. It can factor in of course especially in case of time/availability, budget, preferred activities, but other than that I don't think it matters very much at all.

To me the people who are most interesting are usually those who have had very different experiences to me. It can feel more bland when someone is censoring parts of themselves they worry might not be acceptable, IMO. I wonder do you spend a lot of time online? As I feel like online interaction can be a little bit like this, where certain topics can be so divisive that it feels important to stick to the party line otherwise you can be cast out as unacceptable, and it's easy to present different "faces" on different websites or even sometimes different parts of the same site. Of course we all do this to an extent everywhere, but I think it is especially compartmentalised online, and I know I did have to learn how to be a bit more unapologetically myself when interacting IRL rather than feeling like I ought to be presenting the perfectly acceptable version of me in all situations.

I don’t think you need hobbies, you just need to be interested enough in things to have thoughts and opinions. It sounds like you do.
The best socialises are interested and interesting.

One big tip I would give about being a great socialiser is learn to ask lots of questions. People typically love talking about themselves and so if you seem interested in them they tend to develop a positive impression of you. It’s fine to start with obvious question about how they know the host or what they do for work, the secret is to be a good listener and good at asking follow up questions. Asking someone what they do for work might be a fairly boring question, but once they’ve answered asking them if they like their work can lead to more interesting conversation (“what would you really like to do?” Etc).

@EastLndoner

"My work is not that social, we rarely do work drinks and many people from my team won’t even turn up for Christmas do."

Interesting and a bit sad. Official Christmas Do's are not what I was talking about (Hell, no!). Or 'works drinks'. It's just like-minded colleagues having an unofficial after-work drink.

Good luck with the Ramblers, etc.

I know what you mean and experienced unofficial drinks/plans at my old company as well as joining my friend and her colleagues spontaneous plans.

Hopefully you can understand to get to that stage, you first need to be around colleagues who are social and actually open to do that sort of thing. The type of person who never bothers with even the Christmas do is less likely to be up for spontaneous drinks

I probably sound bit negative but it’s tough when your team don’t drink or need to leave on the dot to catch cross-country trains home.

I'm just glad I have colleagues I can grab lunch with, as many will just sit eating at their desks, headphones in

It’s far easier for a stranger from bumble who works in the area to meet me for after work drinks than most of my team

You say you use bumble to skip the “acquaintance” stage, but I’m not sure it is possible to skip that stage. Like your recent date, you get long deep chats then nothing if you try to skip ahead too fast.

things like ramblers are definitely good. Any thing that lets you meet the same group repeatedly and then chat.

finally, not all friends have to be deep friendships that last for ever. 5 friends is a decent group so many work on a building a network of acquaintances and a loose community rather than trying to jump straight to a deep connection.

different ways, maybe I should mention when I say I have 5 friends these are people who are my close friends so we still speak a lot, and I can tell them anything. I like that they’re open minded, willing to try new things, enjoy doing things together not just passive ‘catch up’ culture.

One friend I met at a rave, I bravely made the first move to ask if she wanted to hang out again after we’d exchanged numbers. Overtime became close friends

One friend I met at an event for women working in London, I didn’t speak to her at the event but we both lived in same area so took the tube back together and got chatting then exchanged numbers. She made the first move to invite me out again, carried on seeing each other and she loves spontaneous plans.

One friend met from Facebook group in possibly the most far fetched way. She posted in a group for women in 20s asking if anyone was free and fancied going out spontaneously, an hour later we met up at a pub and thankfully hit it off. Technically was riskier than using bumble but I hate wasting a Saturday night. She sadly left London a while ago but she continued to make a lot of effort, and we went travelling together. I can call her anytime about anything

Two friends I met at a wine tasting group. I actually became friends with a third person from this group but lost touch after a year as she moved country. We hung out lots, went to her birthday and she even introduced me to her other friend who lived close to me but things fizzled out when she left UK.

I’m also friends with my friends friends who I may see a lot but it doesn’t feel right to say they’re also my close friends as I probably wouldn’t hang out with them without the other friend if that makes sense. I get invited to those friends friends birthdays though

I think I read in a book by Charles Duhigg that people who are hugely successful socially tend to ask around 20 times as many questions as the average person. I have found in life that I do find people who ask more much easier to talk to. But having interesting stories and anecdotes helps too. I find if you ask people a lot, you can "harvest" a lot of stories second hand and use them to make yourself seem more interesting! "Oh wow, that's interesting, my friend Sarah had a similar experience when she was in Italy....." kind of thing. It means not all the good stories have to come from your own life. But it sounds like you're doing quite well so far and it's great that you're interested in learning more. There are loads of Reddit subs on this kind of thing and they recommend all the best books to read. Some people study it like a GCSE!

There are womenwhowalk groups in several towns around London - might be worth trying that on a weekend.