Do I look for half-sibling?

[AHalfSibling]

DDad passed away not long pre-Covid.

I’m 50, have a demanding career and 4 now adult DCs and a DH, life is busy.

My Mum is mean and has always been abusive.
I am LC with her, I do not feel that I can cut her off completely as she is in her 70s. She may be cruel but I am not.

I’m the eldest of three, my siblings would not remember some of the events of our childhood as they were too young.

Usually very fit, a medical event happened a year ago which has left me in hospital or bed at home for this past year.
As I have stopped for once I have had time to think.

Slowly the puzzle pieces have landed. I know that Dad had an affair.
Her name was Sandy, he met her through an activity with us children. As a result we saw her quite a few times when we were young. As I say; I remember her vividly though I doubt my siblings would.
Putting everything together, for so many reasons I am as sure as I can be that DDad had another DC with Sandy.
Dad all but disappeared for the bulk of three years and at other times until his death.
There are many other small clues too which make me think that Dad and Sandy had a child together.

My Mum was abusive years before Dad had the affair.
My relationship with my siblings is poor, Mum’s abuse left me permanently trying to be the good girl and make her proud which is impossible. I left home just after my 16th birthday.
The next sibling left home at 18 and rarely went back.
The youngest sibling is Mum’s golden child and always tried to be the peacemaker between my parents, they lived at home until they were 30.

My sibling would be early 40s/late 30s now.
There are a few ways I could look for them if I chose to.
Before this year of illness I have been considering doing a genealogy test to find out about my family and now I am wondering whether my sibling I think they are female would be on there.

The realisation has made me reflect on that time, there are so many childhood memories that make me think oh my goodness, of course that’s why that happened, or that’s when Dad was away.

Do I do nothing?
Actively look for them?
Avoid the whole thing altogether?
What if I do my genealogy and my sibling is on there anyway? Do I contact them or leave it be?

Yes, I would. Good luck!

I have a half sibling who doesn’t know I exist. I know who he is and would be able to get in touch with him but I think that would blow up his life and impact his relationship with the parent we share who has kept my existence a secret.

If he were to find out and track me down I’d be delighted. Do you have any way of judging whether the half sibling in your case would be ok if you traced them or whether it would cause a trauma? That might be a good starting point.

If leaving these questions unanswered is important to you, of course you should try to find her/him/them.

Then whatever happens, you've done all you can do.

Don't search to upset the family further though and remember you may find one or both of them and they don't want to be 'found'. A long time has passed by.

Are any of your Dad's friends or relatives able to give you any further information?

No advice, just solidarity. My dad couldn’t keep it in his pants and I hear there is at least one secret half sibling out there as well as one I was told about and the two I grew up with. He was responsible for the whole family fracturing and I’m only in touch with one of them so I’m not doing anything at the moment, I don’t want to stir anything.
What are the implications of finding additional relatives, for you and your family?
Do you feel like there is some growth or resolution available if you completed this process, whatever the outcome?
If you sit quietly and try to feel what it would be like to go through this process do you have any strong feelings one way or the other? I spent so much time squashing my feelings down that it can be hard to know what I want, now I try to keep that front and centre.
Sorry to hear about your health problems, hope you’re on the mend.

I personally would try. My half-aunt in her late 50's was identified/ discovered through Ancestry and there were no problems. It's not a fairytale, but nice that we are in touch and that she is in touch with my dad, her older brother. We chat online as she is on the other side of the world.

It didn't open a can of worms for anyone but matching with me and my dad brought her great joy. She hadn't known that her stepdad (my Grandad) who she adored was actually her father. Perhaps her parents were never certain.

Good luck whatever you decide, wishing you well.

I would definitely!

I thoroughly enjoyed doing my genealogy and researching all the rabbit holes it took me down, so would encourage others to do it, I was thrilled to meet family members I never knew, A quick search on freebmd if they were born before 1996 in England should give you the answer, I would want to know. Good luck in whatever you decide

I wouldn’t be interested but lots would (hence the long lost family sort of programmes) Breaking the news to someone who might not have a clue is something that I’d rather not do

I suspect that your mum and youngest sibling could turn on you (assuming that mum
knows). Youngest sibling would automatically stick up for your mum and if your mum is angry then she will too.

Whatever you decide, I hope that it works out well for you.

Did your dad not leave any provision for this child in his will?

What do you want out of finding this half sibling or at least getting the confirmation they exist ? I think you need to be clear in your mind about that first. Is it that it will clarify for you events that happened as a child , do you hope it will answer questions about your dad ?

Also have you considered will you tell your siblings ? How will they respond or how will you feel if you keep it from them ? How will you feel if you discover your half sibling but they don’t want to meet with you ? How will you react if they meet with you and tell you they had a brilliant relationship with your dad and he played an active role in their live ? (The Disney dad scenario or that they provided significant financial support ?) While you don’t have a good relationship with your mum what impact could finding your half sibling do to that ? What if the half sibling knows all about you but has chosen not to get in touch ?

there are a lot of variables and things to consider, and in all likelihood it won’t be simple or straightforward, lots of emotions will come into play. If you are ready and feel able to deal with it then go ahead, but be prepared it won’t be as simple as the “long lost families” tv version.

@AHalfSibling There is a 'Genealogy and Family History' board on here, so there could be threads on there where other posters have been in a similar situation and been trying to trace long-lost relatives.

The thing about genetic genealogy tests is that you lose control of how and when you share the news. If you are a strong enough match to be a half-sibling you will pop up at the top of their match list at the same time they pop up on yours.

If you are curious I would suggest rather looking for them in public records so that you can inform yourself for now, and only make contact if and when you feel ready to do so. If in England and Wales there is now full coverage of birth registrations on FreeBMD until at least 1993. You would need to know the birth mother’s surname, hopefully not a very common one, and the likely area of birth, to narrow down possible registrations.

PM me if you would like some confidential help with this.

@Justchillinhere do you know how easy is it to find a cause of death of someone 3 generations back? The full name and a date of birth is the only information known.

@WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome thank you 👌🏻

Blowing up their life is exactly what I am concerned about @Katrinawaves I really do not want to cause more hurt.
I am not even sure whether they know that Dad has died. My Mum would not tell them, although in this case I understand why she feels spiteful.
Ideally I would find Sandy, she knows I exist, she would be in her 60s now and any conversation is easier if she already knows who I am, even if she rejects me.
I have no idea what my sibling knows and I do not want to hurt them.

@SaraHoliday the risk of causing harm is the reason I haven’t already tried to contact them.
It is a conundrum.
Dad’s older brother - I’ll call him Jim - died last year, I had a brilliant relationship with Uncle Jim. The last couple of times I saw him he told me so much about my parents, particularly Dad.
Although Jim spoke from the perspective of someone who loved his brother he had also known my Mum for around 60 years, he loved her but he was not blind to her faults.
It was me who asked Uncle Jim whether the name Sandy meant anything to him, he gave a low chuckle and asked me what do you know? Uncle Jim spoke about the affair but he didn’t mention a DC, though in fairness neither did I.

The only remaining Aunt on that side of the family is a decade younger than Dad and she would be the last to know anything about Dad’s relationships.

Looking for my sibling would definitely not be something I do out of spite, I am not built like that! The worry of causing pain is what is stopping me from acting.

Ah I’m really sorry @trainedopossum that’s rough and very complicated, are you able to talk it all through with anyone? Are any of the relationships salvageable?

I have forgiven my Dad.
If it sounds like I am being too easy on him he tried to leave once (which I absolutely would have supported) and - I shit you not - my Mum tried to have him committed. That didn’t work but the GP did put him on some seriously heavy meds, Mum also informed his work who said he had to take time off and eventually made him redundant. It was a total shitshow all because he tried to leave her.
He probably had other flings but Sandy was the only long term one.
Mum and Dad married in the early 70s, it wasn’t a shotgun wedding but there was a lot of pressure from the people around them. I would hope that now they would not have married. They made each other miserable.

I would not tell the rest of my family about finding my half sibling. If they want to contact them I will wish them luck!

Bless you, it’s all fine now, water under the bridge and other useful cliches lol.
The salvageable relationship is with my stepsister, who is a good egg and who suffered more than I did.
Is there any chance you could track down Sandy? It would mean avoiding complicated conversations with potential siblings before you get the lay of the land.
Do you have a sense of what you want to achieve? It might help you work out what you want to do.

I'd definitely look !
As adults we should be able to manage the truth so don't be worried about that.

Good luck op.

I think it’s fine to explore it but be open to the idea that many people (like me) wouldn’t want extended family contacting them.

Male or female? If male, then it is easier, just go to FreeBMD and enter their full name, specify 'death' in the search box and a whole list of possibles will come up. You can also narrow the search down a bit by date and area. You will then need to apply for a copy of the death certificate. Use the official GRO website for that (General Register Office), and give them the name, the quarter and the reference number as per FreeBMD.

Female - you need to find out whether they ever changed their name on marriage, so search for a marriage first, then once you have their married surname you can search for a death as above. Also bear in mind they may have been married more than once.

Thank you @peckishcats

Yes it's a male but I checked it again and I don't have a date of birth 🙄. There are also 3 relatives of the same name that I know of! 🙄. Unfortunately there is no-one to gleam any further information from left.