Sorry... This is long but didn't want to drip feed.
I am doubting myself in a relatively new relationship and would really value the advice of you lovely nest of vipers.
Important context at the outset: I had a serious eating disorder for the best part of a decade in my teens / early twenties. I've long come to understand that you can't really rid oneself of an ED - only manage it - or at least that's what has proven true for me several decades on (I'm mid-forties now).
When you've had an ED at such a young age, it's really hard to entangle associated behaviours and personality traits - and to distinguish between what is really "me" vs what is the "disorder", what is the chicken vs the egg. I might appear fully functional on the surface (good job, own home, strong friend and family relationships, etc.), but inwardly have ended up a massively fearful, introverted, perfectionist and hyper-vigilant control freak with a ma-hoo-sive fear of intimacy. Typical trauma-response behaviours - or maybe I'm just a typical Virgo.
Over the years, the "pull" of the ED has ebbed and flowed. Since the pandemic, I've been in a more "active" state with the ED, as a preferential coping mechanism to absolute free-falling. These days, it primary manifests as orthorexia and obsessive exercise, so am actually in great physical health - I do Tough Mudder and everything. This is very much at the expense though of previous hard-won flexibility in terms of things like eating out / socialising / willingness to amend routine, etc. as I need to get up super early to hit the gym. In short, rigid patterns of behaviour are well and truly creeping back in, and quite honestly, I find myself increasingly happy to let them.
Anyway, on to the reason for posting.
After a couple of years finding every reason under the sun to reject best part of a hundred people I met via OLD (helloooo fear of intimacy once again...), about eight months ago I met a guy nearly a year ago who is as close to perfect as you can reasonably get. Kind, gentle, thoughtful, super compatible personality-wise with many niche shared interests - and, moreover, willing to put up with my various quirks. I have shared a sanitised version of my life / ED with him, though I know have given him the false impression that I am more "relaxed" / "recovered" than in reality I truly am. I genuinely enjoy his company, and I do feel comfortable and safe with him.... BUT.
I increasingly don't want him physically near me.
I don't want to have sex with him. As in viscerally do not.
I find myself dreading sleep-overs.
I resent his demands on my time.
I clench my teeth at having to accommodate him in my routine, particularly when he stays over and I can't exercise the following morning.
When he asks to see me more often, my immediate internal response is FFS, you get more than enough of me already.
I enjoy our dates, but increasingly look forward to him going home.
In short, a big part of me just want to go back to being alone, uninterrupted, undisrupted.
He has literally no idea.
I play along. Feign flexibility. And I have not once ever said no to sex - but am 100% only going along with it to keep him happy. I was kind of ok with it at the start, but it's getting ever harder and harder for me now to keep up the pretence. I know he'd be mortified if he knew what was really going on in my head - which quite honestly is all my problem, not his.
He's genuinely not put a foot wrong - he's always tried to put in the work, never pressurises, asks me if I'm ok with things - I just say yes, cause... well... saying otherwise opens up a whole can of worms.
I'd genuinely love to keep him as a friend – one who goes home at the end of the evening – but appreciate that's probably unrealistic.
So here's my dilemma.
On the one hand, I desperately want to end it all and get my life - my structured, routine, ordered life - back. And then officially give up sex (or at least sex with anyone else) forever as a bad job in my case, and resign myself to being alone forever as a result.
On the other, I am acutely aware that this line of thinking is not healthy, and I'm potentially in danger of losing something good due to my disordered self getting the better of me.
Orrrrrr maybe this is nothing to do with EDs at all, and is just a result of me trying to channel someone who is “perfect on paper” into a romantic relationship based on wishful thinking – when that spark simply isn’t there.
Problem is that, after decades of trying to distinguish my own preferences from the dictates of a disordered brain, I no longer entirely trust myself to know the difference.
And perhaps it’s all a moot point in any case.
Whether the sentiment comes from the "real" me, or the "disordered" me, or just general romantic incompatibility, I know I shouldn't feel obliged into having sex I don't want. For whatever reason. And he in turn deserves someone who can truly reciprocate with their full selves, not through gritted teeth with resentment simmering.
But equally, I don't want to throw away something good because I'm too rigid, fearful or controlling to let another person into my life.
Aaaand breathe out!
Sorry this is long, but - for those who've made it this far - I'd love some perspectives that do not come from within my own fucked-up brain. Particularly if you've been down a similar road yourself and overcome it - or not.
A sincere thank you very much in advance to all those still with me at this point!