Would you date a man who is in the middle of a divorce?

[messyhairdontcare25]

I’ve been seeing a man who is currently divorcing his wife of 30 years.

He’s currently selling the home they share and it’s 3 months until the divorce is complete. The worry I have is that I’m weary of getting hurt the more I fall for him. He wants me to meet his mum, his family and likes to stay at my place a few times a week. I’ve put a stop to the overnight stays at the moment.

It feels lovely in a lot of ways and he treats me extremely well, but there’s this feeling he doesn’t know what he’s doing and is maybe love bombing me. I sometimes forget he’s not single and free. He’s very intense and buying me gifts and declaring his love constantly.

He has been unhappy in his marriage for ten years. I’ve seen all the divorce paperwork so know it’s happening and the house for sale. He’s getting very intense with his feelings but alarm bells are ringing saying not to date him again until after he’s divorced. I feel vulnerable even when he tries to reassure me I have nothing to worry about.

I’m struggling with him communicating with his ex about house affairs (in front of me the other day sending messages - he later apologised) and that he’ll be looking after their dog for a few weeks when she goes on holiday next month in their home. He lives between their house and his mums but fear he’s mostly at theirs.

He could turn around and get back with her at any point…Even when he’s officially divorced, will he be ready? I just feel I’m going to get hurt here…It all feels too risky right now

When did they break up?

I’d say no. It’s too soon and like anyone going through a divorce he will not be thinking straight - let him go.

Can you see him but dial it back somewhat so it’s more dating casually rather than love bombing intense. When did they separate ?

They just fell out of love and drifted apart/ now different people - adult children with their own children

That’s not really answered the question.

I've done it before, I wouldn't do it again. It intrudes on everything - some nights it was the only topic of conversation because they were going through mediation and nothing was getting resolved. When he changed lawyers for the second time, I changed him for the single life. It was too full on and very one-sided - he couldn't compartmentalise and there are only so many evenings of my life I could waste nodding sympathetically and screaming inside my own head: "You could ask me about MY day or MY life!!!!" To be fair it could just be my ex, but I wouldn't run the risk again - new relationships are supposed to be footloose and fancy-free. Not stressful and tiring.

When, not why.

I have done, but we talked at length, iniated by both of us, about taking it slow and we were very careful about not doing all the things you mention here. He's not ready for another relationship OP - you can tell that by the fact that he's not mature enough emotionally to think 'charging in headfirst into a new relationship while im in the middle of a divorce, no matter how okay I think I am about the breakup, is a bad idea because if it does get messy I could really hurt this new person in my life, so I should be very careful and deliberate as to not fuck this up, we have plenty of time to figure this out'
Editing to say my partner had been separated 9 months, his ex was already in another relationship and they'd separated due to growing apart (and that isnt just me taking his word as gospel, I know this via other sources to be true too - i think its key to try and figure out if the story adds up)

Take a step back. He needs to be alone. . You need to meet the single him, not the freshly divorced,,,

No. He's on the rebound big time with the love bombs.

6 months

If he's not dated for 10 years, they didn't use therapy speak like love bombing then, and just thought it was nice to be nice.
To answer whether you should date him-was the break up his fault? If he cheated, leave him to grow up for a bit. If not, then why not, he shouldn't be blamed or suffer more if it was the ex's fault.

Far too soon for me personally- when I got divorced I wasn’t ready to actually connect with someone emotionally for a couple of years. I dated people before that, but I couldn’t have got serious about any of them, I was still a mess.

That being said my ex-DH met his now wife a few weeks after he and I split so it clearly can work- but I always wondered how she could trust a man who moved on from a woman he was in a relationship with for 15 years so quickly.

But you don't know how the marriage was before that final split.

He keeps telling me he’s been unhappy for years but just didn’t pull the plug but this concerns me - dad had dementia etc and didn’t want to upset the kids

6 months, no, too early IMO and you must have been dating a while if he’s already telling you he loves you and trying to get you to meet his mum. Were they actually split when you met or had they only split up a month or so earlier? How did you meet?

He was less than 6m out of a 30 year marriage when you met him. No.

No, you don’t. I was just sharing my experience.

In my marriage, things were bad for a while. I personally still couldn’t have got serious with someone new very soon after the split.

I have done and it ended really really badly with me being completely and utterly devastated and heartbroken. Turned out there were really good reasons for his marriage ending. There's no way I would go for a still married man in the process of getting divorced ever again.

As for the lovebombing OP, take great great heed. You're amazing right? He's never met anyone else like you? He didn't think it would be possible to feel this happy again?

Exactly that’s crazy. Just no. All the single men and you want to date a (legally) married man? I have never understood that.

We were friends for a year before he told me he was divorcing. He said he loved me after a month of dating.

He doesn't want to live with his mum....

If you like him. Give him a year once he has his own place.

This is getting murkier . So you were friends before he separated? And he fell in love after one month?

What kind of man can’t stand on his own two feet and stay single for a while?

I’d say the same to a woman running from a marriage right into a new relationship.

I wouldn’t no, because it doesn’t suggest he is grown up enough to manage on his own. I would want to be sure he’s not on the search for a ready made home and new life.