Annoyed her because another friend came...

[TheBrambleDormouse]

How much of a 'crime' have I committed here?

I'm currently 'on a break' from the woman I am seeing (I am a gay female) because we've been arguing for a while. We wanted to give one another some space, as we've had quite a few anomalous/difficult situations to deal with and just wanted to reconvene once we'd had a think and some time away from one another.

She was aware that this weekend just gone, I had two friends staying over. They have birthdays close together and we'd arranged to go out for some lunch and a few drinks and they'd stay over at mine for the night. She doesn't know these friends, although has met them once, heard about them knows who they are.

A week or so beforehand, one of the friends asked if she could bring a friend with her. I trust my friend to not bring anyone to my house who would cause any sort of issue so I said yes, caveating that one of them would have to take the box room which is perfectly adequate to sleep in but that's about it, It's not got a TV or ensuite unlike the 'main' spare room, but that was my only concern.

Spoke to woman I am seeing on Sunday night once they'd left and she was very angry because I had not told her that this other friend (my friend's friend) was coming to the event/staying over. Kept referring to her as 'some random bitch' and that I should have told her.

The only reasons I hadn't told her were 1) I did not see it as any sort of big deal at all, 2) I have been rushed off my feet with work (I tutor and have just taken on two new sets of students so all the admin and marking and being ultra diligent as they settle in) so this (what I saw as) very trivial bit of information slipped my mind it was literally a 2 min conversation and 3) We are still speaking to one another, but not sharing all details of our days at the moment.

In the main though, I really did not mark it as something important. This lunch out was arranged while we were still very much seeing one another but my girlfriend was never going to be around for it (she didn't want to come anyway) regardless. We obviously don't live with one another. She's really quite angry with me for not telling her. I am trying to see it from her point of view but I am struggling. Can anyone give me their point of view please?

She sounds controlling.

Er I think you need to get shot of this woman. She sounds like a controlling , nasty piece of work.

Clearly, she is a total fruitcake

Wouldn't want to date someone who sounds controlling like this, and calls a woman that.

You did nothing wrong, dont let her make you second guess yourself.
Since you're on a break try and really take some more time apart and get some real space and get some clarity on the relationship.

I am thinking this might be the end of it for us. Which I am quite sad about. I feel like she feels I should tell her absolutely everything but that's about all I could come up with really. 😟

I am middle-aged and prior to this haven't ever met someone I felt I could share life with long term. Had a few long-ish relationships but feel a bit like this is the end of the road.
And yes, I'd never call a woman that either. I know everybody is different but had this been her inviting friends and someone else came I'd have just been interested in how the day was, did they have fun, did X and X have a nice birthday etc.

I think you need to decide whether or not you are in an ongoing relationship with this woman. She is probably jealous and insecure and that's why she didn't behave well. Make up your mind and don't keep her dangling on a string.

Dump her. She is bad news. You're a middle aged woman and you are reasonable to invite anyone you like to stay in your spare room, without checking this or informing anyone. She's problematic. Your feeling is right. Get rid.

Wow I was thinking maybe she was an older teen or early 20s! We’re too old for this crap. Delete and block.

You're right. I am going to tell her It's over. I don't want to date someone who is angered by something as nondescript as this.

I mean, if she lived here I would've had a conversation about it of course, but she wasn't going to be here at the time so I have no idea really why it would ever be an issue, even if they brought 10 more people with them, that's surely my thing to deal with.

The reason I question myself I think is I have been told in the past that not a lot bothers me compared to others, I have to be mindful of differences. If any of my friends had asked if they could bring someone else my attitude is 'more the merrier, have I got enough space/what do they like to eat/drink etc'. I know other people are more reserved.

She is early forties, I am a bit older.

I just remembered something else she said too. That this friend 'always gets to do what she wants' with me. I defended myself here because it could have been any one of my friends who asked me if they could bring someone. If someone is trusted enough to stay at my house, then I trust them enough to have the judgment on who joins us too. This does include the woman I am seeing, if she ever wanted a friend to stay over or something similar.

She sounds nuts. It’s your house and she doesn’t live there

Unhinged controlling and potentially abusive behaviour.
Huge red flag.
None of her business whom you have in your home.
She sounds rough too, the way she speaks about women is ugly.
Time to delete and move on.

What’s it got to do with her? Really do not see the issue - it’s none of her business even if you were currently a couple.

This is not a person you want to spend your life with, being controlled and made to feel you’re wrong for having a life

Your house. Your rules. Your guests. And you did tell her. .. after the event.
Her reaction was disrespectful and explosive towards you.
She does not cherish you enough.
Better off without her.

I did, I mean I was describing something that happened as they were leaving and said something like 'So as those three were leaving earlier....' and she asked who the three were. I honestly didn't think it was a big deal.
Definitely not feeling cherished. Feel like she jumps on anything she can that may be a slight misdemeanor on my part.😐

My Mum said this when I confided in her about a different issue. GF doesn't really have many friends or go out much. I am not a full-on social butterfly,I've always got too much to do and I prefer quiet weekends most of the time but now and again some social thing (birthdays or events) happen and I do enjoy going out and doing leisurely things. GF doesn't really do that.

I am afraid of using language like 'rough' on here as it is seen as classism and derogatory! But she is from a different background to me, more impoverished (although I am by no means from wealth either, I don't think?Parents are wealthy now but both worked hard for it).

It did make me feel quite uneasy though I must admit (of the rest of your post).

Angry and controlling. She sounds lovely.

Thank you. I am glad. I am prone to doubting myself sometimes, I just did not understand this one at all whatsoever.

I think perhaps you doubt yourself @TheBrambleDormouse because your partner is so controlling and you feel undermined? Apologies if wrong, but agree with above posters, you have done nothing wrong.

Her calling someone a random bitch just for taking up an offer to socialise with you. Nasty.

I'm sure this can't be the only time you've been subject to her unwarranted jealousy. Probably one of the reasons you needed space from her--because she's toxic fumes. Yes, I'd make a final exit in your shoes and go no contact.