I know I will probably be ripped to shreds here but I feel like I need to say this out loud.
I have a wonderful partner. He is everything I have wished for. So kind, calm, supportive of me, funny, attractive, generous etc etc. there are never any dramas in our relationship, he is a steady ship and I feel incredibly lucky to have him, and I know he feels lucky to have me.
At the same time I have this niggle that I can’t shake. I share a child with my ex. The relationship I would say swung from extreme intensity to extreme lows, never stable, never steady. I know that it is completely the wrong type of relationship, it’s not a good thing. My ex could also never properly commitment and had a lot of issues.
He has stepped up for our child and they have a great relationship. Co-parenting is going along well. He often tries to chat with me like a friend, sends me videos of him and our child. This feeling just comes over me when I see it. I can’t explain it, I feel like I might still love him? But then I also know I love my partner? I don’t want to get back with my ex and it’s been a very long time, I don’t even know him anymore! but this feeling just keeps rearing its ugly head.
I know everyone will say I am a horrible person and my partner deserves better. That’s why I’m trying to work out why I keep feeling this “pang”… am I longing for the “proper family” that I thought I was going to have? or is it because the “highs” were so intense?
I really want this to stop, because I do love my partner so much and he is such an amazing man. It’s been years and I just don’t know why this is coming up. Any advice greatly appreciated, I feel totally abnormal and like a terrible person.