Advice Needed Difficult Relationship with parents

[Enicks86]

Apologies for long post but looking for advice from mumsnetters who may have been in a similar situation, as I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
I haven’t seen my parents since the end of August, when I took them out for lunch for my dad’s birthday and paid for the meal. Shortly afterwards, I became ill, and the following week I was back at work. I work full-time, as does my husband, and we have two daughters. Our youngest started secondary school in September, so it’s been a busy and demanding time for our family.
Around the same time, my 86-year-old mother-in-law suffered a nasty fall resulting in serious injuries. She has now been in hospital for five weeks. My father-in-law is 89, and my husband has been driving him to the hospital every evening so he can visit his wife. Between working full-time, supporting our family and everything going on with my in-laws, life has been incredibly hectic and emotionally draining.
My parents know what has happened to my mother-in-law, yet neither of them has called once to ask how she is or how we are coping.
When my daughters went back to school, I shared a photo of their first day in the family group chat. My mum left the group without acknowledging the photo or saying anything.

More recently, I received a really nasty, abusive text from my mum telling me how awful I am and that I don’t care about my parents. I replied explaining that I’d been ill, had returned to work and was trying to support my husband and his family through a really difficult time. I wasn’t deliberately ignoring them; I was simply trying to manage everything life had thrown at us.
My mum is 67 and my dad is 78, and thankfully, they are both in good health. They only live a few minutes down the road, yet they haven’t called round or made any effort to see us either.
My mum has a history of falling out with family members over the years, and I’ve often found myself being the one who tries to keep the peace. I’m a quiet person by nature, I hate confrontation, and I’ve always tried to be there for my parents. I think I’ve spent years putting their feelings before my own to avoid upsetting anyone.
But this situation has left me feeling incredibly hurt. I’m struggling to understand how they can expect me to be there for them while showing so little interest in what we’re going through ourselves.
I turned 40 this year, and I think something has shifted in me. I’m starting to question how much more of this I can take. I don’t want to fall out with my parents, but I also don’t feel I can continue feeling guilty and being made to feel like a terrible daughter whenever I can’t meet their expectations.

My mum can be lovely however she has got this cruel jealousy side to her & loves to make every situation about her. She has ruined lots of happy occasions over the years. My dad on the other hand is very quiet and does as he’s told.
Any advice really appreciated 🌸

oh honey they sound awful. if it helps the relationship with your mum isn’t difficult or complicated or tricky, it’s abusive. it’s simple, she lacks empathy. her personality was forged LONG before you arrived. her leaving the group. thats called ‘withholding’ and it’s a well understood behaviour of unkind parents that they like to do when they can, when they get the opportunity.

fill your life with loving people and the unkind ones will eventually just fall off you :)

You have enough going on without trying to appease your mum.
You could try a "sorry not sorry" approach :
Hi mum sorry you feel upset that we haven't seen you. You know what we've been going through and we are just down the road if you want to see us.
Although personally I would be quite relieved if she didn't take up the offer, I know it's different when it's your own mum. People like this seem to thrive on watching other people fall over themselves to keep them happy. If you don't react she might realise it's not working and reduce that behaviour. Or she might do a permanent flounce, it sounds like she's got form.
All I know is, you've probably run round trying to keep her happy all your life, and it doesn't work. So try something else.

It's been less than two months since you saw them! If the situation with your in-laws hadn't happened and you'd just been busy with life stuff, it would be fair for them to be a little bit hurt and maybe raise the topic in a non-confrontational way. But given all you have going on, you've done nothing wrong. The phone works both ways (and I don't mean to send abusive texts!).

But sending abusive texts would be unreasonable and unproductive even if you were just a dickhead who didn't care!

I'm slightly younger than you but feel like we had similar upbringings. I'm also getting to the point where I just don't want to engage or pacify them any more. I've started to be more assertive with them and stand up for myself when they try to manipulate me with awkwardness or "misunderstandings". And actually things have been fine. I'm not going to pretend they like or respect me more for it, but not giving a damn and standing my ground means at least I'm getting what I need for once.

Thankyou all for your replies. It’s really helpful to have other peoples perspectives. I honestly can’t understand why she treats me like this. I’m so easy going & a complete people pleaser which probably doesn’t help me.
I never ask them for anything. But all I am told is what an awful daughter I am. I think my mother hates the fact that MIL is in hospital & my focus is not on her. Really strange. My mother has always been jealous of my friendships, my work, life etc. She never has anything nice to say.

I will stand my ground on this though despite the feeling of guilt. If there is one thing that I have learnt from my parents is how to be a good parent to my daughters & never allow them to feel this way.

My mother has always been jealous of my friendships, my work, life etc. She never has anything nice to say.

and you’ve probably had a gut full of ‘she means well, her hearts in the right place’ from people who can’t accept some mothers are unloving. some mother are cruel. it sounds crazy saying it doesn't it. but for so many it is lived life. some people would honestly rather you put up with it because the reality of it is just too uncomfortable. it’s a situation as old as the hills but you’re on your way to healing op. you will get to a wonderful place where you KNOW in your BONES it isn’t you and you have no power to change the dynamic which will free you. it will free you in ways you didn't know you can feel free!