Is this financial abuse? Help me please make sense of this

[Opulentpear]

I can't tell if dh''s reaction to me wanting to spend money is anxiety/practical because we don't have a lot left over, or abusive. He makes me feel like I'm BU.

I'm not spending a lot of money at all, I am very frugal and non materialistic, we have a shabby house that needs work and updating, DH hardly ever buys new clothes or anything for himself.

We're in our mid 40s, been married almost 20 years, 2 teen DCs.

DH is self employed in a business we both set up. I had been working part time in the business as well as do most things for DCs and household chores.

The last two years I've become disabled and unable to work much at all but technically half the business is mine even though I don't physically work in the business day to day like he does.

The business just makes enough to cover usual expenses, a UK yearly holiday, running one car.

We have always shared income, everything goes into my dh's account and I use that card for online purchases for the kids, family expenses, necessary clothes etc

A few years ago I got fed up of DH asking me about every purchase checking it's not fraudulent, so I asked for some money of my own.
I get £150/m. This pays for my phone, the kids phones, anything the kids want outside the usual expenses, my personal items.

I wanted money where he didn't know every single purchase and comment on it, and to have independence where I can buy the kids things he'd probably say no to and my own skincare products etc without being made to feel I'm vain "what, £20 on a face cream?" "I just buy toothpaste and shower gel" etc

I even cut and colour my own hair, which is a mess atm because of my disability I haven't been able to do it for ages.

The last year due to my illness I've gone up a clothes size at least and desperately need new clothes, nothing apart from a few t-shirts , an old walking coat and jogging pants fits me.

I started online shopping last week with money from the family/dh account, spent about £200 but sending half back, and still need to buy more items including a coat.

My dm died last month and there was £2500 left over from her funeral insurance which I received last friday.
I won't be inheriting anything else so this is basically my inheritance. I don't know what I want to do with it yet, I thought maybe get the garden done, a decking area etc for next summer as it's been badly neglected.

Today DH suggested I use that money to buy clothes and go to the hairdressers but I don't think that's fair as I was going to buy clothes and get my hair cut anyway from our joint money.

I have applied for PIP and when he asked how much it could be I told him up to £800/m he said that could pay the mortgage.
Like no, that's meant to be MY money for helping me, taxis, treatments, ready meals when I am too ill to cook etc

I have said about getting a job in the last and he's suddenly needed me in the business, It's convenient for him for me to not go get a job because I do so much everywhere else with the business, house and DCs.

Aibu to expect to buy clothes from the joint money instead of the insurance money?

Also any advice on how can I improve the wider financial situation?

This sounds more like you and your DH have different perspectives on how money should be used. I think he could do with not questioning every purchase you make, but it sounds like he's doing that because he has different priorities rather than trying to be controlling. Someone else may say different, but this is how it comes across to me. And probably layering on the challenges that both of you will have experienced as a result of your disability won't have helped with tensions. It sounds like you've had a lot to deal with.

You have different priorities, that doesn't make it financial abuse.

But, if all income is joint, then he shouldn't be questioning every purchase, but equally you don't get to keep the PIP. Either you have joint income or you don't. PIP is absolutely there to support independent living, but in a situation where family income is joint, then this should be included in the pot too - but it allowing you to have more money available from that joint income for costs which help you live independently.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/cedeas-helpline-run-by-money-advice-plus/

Do contact the CEDEAS he line as detailed in the link along with contacting Women’s Aid. You are and have been economically abused here by him for a long time now. He handing over an allowance to you is demeaning to you as well. I would readily assume he gets his hair cut along with dental and optical check ups as well.

Is his own business profitable or is it really just ticking over or more of a hobby business?.

I agree. I also think that assuming the inheritance would be used for a new wardrobe is not an unreasonable assumption.

Are you able to draw your own income from the business, so you have your ‘own money’?

Is it worth considering that your OH may be finding it difficult being the sole provider and that may be the cause of his resentment?

It doesn't sound like you have much disposable income left between you each month.
So I think keeping £800 a month pip money for yourself is very unrealistic.
Using some of the £2500 for clothes and a haircut, may well be reasonable , depending on how much money is actually spare. If dh never buys anything, is he going to treat himself too? It doesn't sound like financial abuse. More that dh is conscious that your household has to budget pretty carefully.

Do you have a clear view of the business books? How much money is there?

He doesn’t appear to be giving you much autonomy which is concerning. It seems on the surface “what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is mine own”.

Someone who was financially abusive wouldn’t have suggested to use the 2.5k to buy clothes ?

Hang on, are you saying that you don't have your own bank account and all the business income goes into your DH's account, and from that he gives you £150 a month? And you have no other personal income whatsoever?

I'm struggling that his money is shared, but your money is just your money? I also think you should have your own bank account or at least a joint one, as "using his card" isn't right (unless I misunderstood?).

This. PIP becomes part of the pot. It doesn't mean he works less and that bridges the gap. It means you have more money in the pot to cover what you need.

I think you need an adult coversation and attempt to align or at least agree priorities.

He handing over an allowance to you is demeaning to you

Yes, but it depends. Lots of couples have a joint account, but also each have a personal current account and both get the same monthly 'allowance' from the joint account for personal spends.

@Opulentpear
Tell him that the financial arrangements need an overhaul, especially if he is using his current account for both business and personal/household.

You need the main household account to be in joint names. He should have a separate 'business' bank account (though as banks love to charge fees this could be technically just another standard current account, not an actual business one).
Then you each need a personal current account.
So that is four current accounts. This may sound complicated, but it really is not once you get it sorted.

Then the estimated business profits get transferred monthly from the business account to the joint account, and your PIP and any other income like child benefit go into the joint account. From that, you both get transferred an allowance of e.g. £200 per month into your personal accounts.
Anything to do with the household or children, including bills, shopping, holidays, children's activities, etc. should come straight out of the joint account.
Your personal account is then for your clothes, fancy toiletries, hobbies, socialising, etc.
He can spend or save his allowance as he wishes.

Your inheritance is your bargaining chip: if he won't agree to the new four accounts system, tell him your inheritance and PIP won't be going into the family account, and you will be re-considering your future and the relationship.

How profitable is your business?

Requiring you to explain every payment is abusive unless you are managing on an extremely limited budget.

£150 a month for what you describe would only be reasonable if as a family you have extremely limited funds. If the business is profitable I suspect you are being financially abused.

It is profitable and has supported us for a number of years but in the lower income bracket.
However it does allow him flexibility so that he has been available for various DCs appointments and in the last couple years for my appointments. He also has a solo hobby he can enjoy at the time of day/year that is best for him.

Thank you everyone for the replies, which are mixed and varied, just like my thoughts on it all!

To be clear I haven't been awarded PIP yet, it was a discussion on the maximum available if I get it.

I'd be happy to put some of it in the pot but I want to have control of my own finances and manage it in the way I see fit.
When I worked full time before we had the dcs I had my own money, we contributed half each for all bills and then rent, and what was left over was mine.

I feel like if I put it all in the pot it would get swallowed up and I lose any control except for my £150.

I am going to spend some of the insurance money on a new coat as it's a big expense and use the joint money for the rest of my clothes as I would have if my DM hasn't died.

I say this all the time, but you need a spreadsheet with incomings including the business each month and the PIP. The list all the outgoings. Whatevers left you divide by 2 and you have that personal spends in your own bank account. You dont answer to anyone with that. If you need to add your taxis as a row on the spreadsheet then do that. Add food shopping as a row too. Do the shopping online so you stay in the budget. I dont necessarily think he's abusive, its just seems like you've never really set things up properly. But his reaction to setting this up could be telling.

Do you have oversight of the business account and how much money the company is making ?

I am very much new to the world of self employment having been employed all my
life but I do have a separate business account where all my work income goes. If my DH were working for the business I would pay him from that account into his own account. If you are required to “ help”’with the business then I would expect you to be compensated for it also. £150 would not be enough for me to survive on if I were paying phone contracts etc as well. Where was that figure conjured up from? I think you need a massive amount more transparency of the finances that there currently is. If he’s not going to co-operate then I would 100% be keeping any money that came my way and probably be looking for a job if there was something imcould
physically do.

Not really the point, but - Vinted for new clothes. It's better for buying than selling as a general rule and would mean you don't need to spend as much to restock your wardrobe