How does 50:50 custody work when the reason I want to leave is his shit parenting?

[Wheredidallthegoldfishgo]

As per title. Kids 14&13. DH has ADHD and is not a natural parent. A parenting course when the children were small helped (he learned that children do better with praise than criticism), but we have hit the teen years and it’s all falling apart. His expectation for the children is off the scale and they live under a cloud of almost constant criticism. By way of example DD came home from school last week and said ‘guess who got 86% in their maths test’ and he replied ‘I hope not you’. DS is having an increasing number of meltdowns over tiny stuff because it’s what he sees. It’s all learned behaviour. I am at my wits end trying to keep the peace and keep the house calm. DH is refusing to attend further parenting classes or go to counselling with me. He has said previously if we split he wants 50% custody. At least if I’m in the same house I can protect them, but I’ve got to the point where I now feel I’m complicit. Complicated further by the fact that DH works away 3.5 days a week, but has said if we split he’ll change jobs and live locally so he has his 50%. Comment made by DB was ‘why would he want them 50% of the time if you split when he barely acknowledges them 5% of the time now?’.
realistically how much time is he likely to get, or am I just better staying to protect them as best I can?

At 13 and 14 it would be up to the kids who they spend time with, not the adults.

If they want to be with you as their primary carer they just need to say that.

They wouldn’t have to agree to being with him 50/50. It doesn’t really sound like he could be bothered to fight it either.

1. He will fight you for custody to br a dick, but it doesnt sound ljke will actually step up (but thinking thats likely doesnt give you the confidence to rely on it, I get that.

1. The children are old enough to have a say - i assume they woukd not want to be with him?

1. He currently works away. So its not practical and, one assumes, finding a new job would take some time. So you also have that window.

1. He DOES work away currently so whatever he does in the future, you have a compelling argument that you are the primary parent and it is in your children's best interests for that to continue.

1. Are there other abusive behaviours towards the chilsren? When you leave, I would seek advice - perhaps through women's aid or even social services - anout citing this as one of the reasons. I imagine that along with thw children's own testimony, a cafcass or Ss report would help support your argument that the children should be with you.

A judge would allow your children to choose how much contact they had with each parent (even zero contact) Even if the kids wanted 50% at first, I think that they will quickly want that changing.

(leaving aside the age) With the working away, he can’t insist that he has a very weekend (if that’s a day he’s not away) because the kids should get quality time with both of you so every other weekend is the starting point.

Also the job market isn’t great at the moment. It may take time to find a new job anyway.

@DiNozzoComingBack actually the DC probably would want to see him. DD less than son, and would probably back away once she realised how bad things would be without me there to smooth them over. DS idolises him and is constantly trying to please him (and obviously failing- it’s a replica of DH own childhood and ongoing relationship with his own toxic parents).
DH does Disney dad extremely well.

@Snorlaxo i guess that’s what worries me…every other weekend is a lot of time to be criticised. But as has been pointed out by others, they will probably gravitate towards me anyway.

Is he formally diagnosed re ADHD?. ADHD as well is no excuse or justification for his abuses of you all and you are all in an abusive relationship with him.

Such men tend to insist on 50:50 also as a means of avoiding paying maintenance. Aldo the children’s views will be taken into account.

I would also recommend you contact Womens Aid here along with seeking legal advice as knowledge is power.

Trying to people please an otherwise difficult or emotionally unavailable parent is going to lead to him potentially not feeling good enough in later life. This child needs help now.

@AttilaTheMeerkat , yes, officially diagnosed ADHD.
i don’t care about the maintenance. I have a well paid secure job and will be fine with or without any maintenance.

I would still pursue a maintenance claim for both children all the same. He’s not going to make the process of you separating and or divorcing him at all straight forward because he wants to win at all costs. He cares not a jot for you or his kids and he is very much a product of his own upbringing.

he won't do 50/50 if you expect him to do all the organising on his time . Men like this only do 50/50 where ex partner sorts clubs and uniforms and kit and playdates and party gifts and dentists etc. He will have to take to appointments sports etc on his days - and if they are ill and need picking up , or have forgotten something on his days he will have to sort it. He won't do 50/50 without you facilitating, so don't. Leave, it will only get worse as they get older and then they will be gone and you will still be stuck there with just him. Is that how you want the rest of your life to go?

@Jamlighter actually, weird as it might sound, when the kids are out of the picture (if we’ve gone away for a weekend or they are both at a sleepover) he’s actually quite good company. But you’re right about everything else.

At their age they can vote with their feet.
If you don't need the maintenance you could agree 50/50 on paper but let the children know your door is always open

I can guarantee even if he does push for 50/50 he won't actually want it when he gets it. Mine pushed for 50/50 but only actually has them about 15% of the time. And sometimes they don't choose to go to his when he does make himself available