Sexless marriage at 30yrs old

[Newmummy2026]

Wondering if anyone can share any advice or experiences for being in a sexless marriage. For context, married 4years. Sex hasn’t always been great and I feel like I’ve never understood the reason behind it. Went had bickers and I’m guilty of festering in resentment afterwards. He’s very much the opposite and wants to ‘forget and move on’.

since trying for a baby it’s got much worse. Went from sex every other month to now none for two years. We haven’t had sex since we conceived our daughter and she is now 9 months old.

I feel heartbroken about it sometimes but day to day we just get one with life. Husband has a stressful job, works a lot to provide for the family financially, as recently decided for me to not return to work and be a SAHM. He’s an amazing father and I love him dearly. I don’t know how to get back into our sexual relationship. I feel like we both just ignore it now and accept this is how life is.

we sometimes argue over this or it becomes highlighted when we have little rifts. I feel like we both want it to be better but also nothing changes. I have low libido since childbirth/breastfeeding. I struggle with personal confidence and feeling ‘sexy’ now I’m a mum. He trains religiously at the gym, I’m thinking of getting my gym membership back (stopped after pregnancy) he’s lost weight in recent months but he has a huge mental load which doesn’t help. We are having heart to hearts more often which feels like we are stepping in the right direction. Truth is I don’t know how to flirt anymore and feel awkward when I even think of being intimate with him. it’s been so long now I’ve lost all confidence to initiate any sort of physical touch. How can we get out of this rut? We’re only 4yrs in and I just want us to feel close again.

Any help/advice? I don’t want this to ruin our marriage down the line.

Do you have any time alone without the baby? Date nights? Days where baby is in nursery and you can spend lunchtime together? Reconnecting sexually is probably going to require reconnecting personally for you.

But you say sex has never been a big feature of your relationship. Was it for him? Perhaps he’s not that bothered. And if you are, then that’s an issue between you. Couples therapy might help you work out what’s going on underneath it all.

Haven't had sex for 13 years. Started with birth of dc2. No desire for it whatsoever. It can work if your dh is OK with it.

Go back to work. If you stay, you need interests outside home. If you divorce, you need a career. Your little one is two, she'll enjoy nursery. It doesn't sound like you'll be having a second any time soon so no need to wait.

OP
This is incredibly heartbreaking for you.

Can you get on Dead Bedrooms on Reddit to get some mutual understanding from others for a start.

Next be aware this is going to make you very vulnerable to male sexual attention if and when you go back to work. Even people with no intention of cheating will find it hard to resist when persistently flirted with by a friendly male coworker. This is not a judgment on you. This is a natural human need.

But you actually have a lot of power as his wife.

You start extremely small. Before he comes home, freshen up and when he has had a chance to settle in a bit, sit somewhere close, within arms length of him, face him, look at him and simply hold you hand open in his direction in a gesture for him to put his hand into yours. If he stays looking away, touch him gently and go back to holding out your hand in a non threatening way. If he takes your hand, hold it and look at each other for a small length of time without saying anything. If he seems open, reach over for a hug. Hug briefly. Then leave the room and let him resettle. Repeat this twice an evening. If you want to add variety, pay a compliment about some part of his physique that he works on in the gym.

If he refuses your hand, ask him if he is ok or if something is stressing him. Keep your voice calm and quiet- non threatening. Listen to what he has to say. Offer your hand again and ask him if he would like to hold it. Unless he is made of ice, he will eventually give in.

The point behind these suggestions is to break the ice. You need to gradually let them know you see them and you are safe.

Did you even read past the title? OP is not happy with a sexless marriage.

This makes me uncomfortable to read. I am not sure it’s good advice.

My husband never had a high sex drive before we had our child and now it’s even lower. I’d like to have more sex but I’m not that bothered. We both feel we should though for the sake of our relationship. We’ve recently got back to having weekly date nights and that has really helped. I think you need to agree to a frequency and stick to it- the more you have the more you want. But is easier said than done.

I can fall into the trap of wanting it more because I feel like we should rather than because I want to. It’s tricky.

@CRbear Which part makes you uncomfortable?

What I mentioned doing I have done myself in a situation like the OPs and we have gone from a multi-year drought to a regular sex life.

It's impossible to know if this is good advice and would help in every case but it is a "Low Stakes" response to her situation. OP is not describing an abusive marriage but a disconnected one. Holding hands and eye contact increases connection. And it takes relatively little time, just a specific effort to make the moment stand out. You may be surprised. Many people are waiting for you to go first.

We most certainly don’t have an abusive relationship. We are very much each others best friend. We’ve been through a lot together since getting married, a lot of hardships which have ultimately made us very strong. It’s just the romance side of things has been neglected. And I think because time is going on and things aren’t changing we are both in this new ‘norm’ which I don’t think either of us want forever. We both want a good sex life together it’s just been very difficult to prioritise it when A. we’ve just had a baby and adjusting to parenthood has been incredibly humbling. But also, my husband has such high demand of him daily that I can see how burnt out he is most days. It’s very hard for us both to have confidence in physical touch again as it has been so long.

Are you still breastfeeding? I didn’t my libido back until I reduced my feeds, and it came back fully when I stopped. It might be something to bear in mind.

I presume you married him in the forlorn
hope he would change. This is who he is and he needs to tell you exactly why sex is not a part of your relationship. I sincerely hope you are not his beard.

You have a choice and you do not have to accept a sexless marriage as part of your lot particularly as he’s not given you any explanation.

Will he be willing to see a sex therapist?.

How much if anything do you know about his childhood? Does he want a sex life as you attest he does because he’s showing no indication of wanting that and besides which your child is now 2.

Sorry, 9 months old not 2. This problem needs addressing and it’s going to be painful for both of you. He still owes you an explanation all the same rather than skirt around the issue by avoiding it partly by going to the gym.

I too am in a sexless marriage, 2 reasons, 1 is that he has ed with having to use a condom, and does not want a vasectomy and I am not having any more kids.
2 I am quite happy with it as we are a bit more than room mates now so do not initiate anymore.

He gets a bit of something (not actual sex as he can not anyway and I am not risking another pregnancy for that) and that tides him over.

I know not everyone is willing to live this way though, but there are other ways to some sexual fulfillment. I have never been interested in actual sex anyway either, so boring to me, or maybe I have just had boring encounters and my dh never lasted long, pretty short actually, having an O is nice but that is never via penetration anyway so... yeah.

It honestly sounds less like a "sex problem" and more like a connection problem that's developed over time. You've had pregnancy, a baby, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, stress, changes in body image, and two years of avoiding a difficult topic. That's a lot for any couple.

One suggestion is to take sex off the table for a while and focus on rebuilding physical closeness first. Hold hands on the sofa, hug for a bit longer, cuddle in bed, give each other a kiss goodbye. It can feel much less intimidating than trying to jump straight back into sex after such a long gap.

I'd also suggest setting aside a regular time once a week to talk about your relationship, not during an argument. Keep it focused on "How can we feel closer?" rather than "Why aren't we having sex?"

Practically, if you're both exhausted, don't wait for spontaneous desire to magically return. Schedule a date night, a walk, a coffee together, or even 30 minutes after the baby is asleep. Intimacy often follows connection rather than the other way around, especially after having children.

Finally, don't underestimate how much breastfeeding, hormones, sleep deprivation, confidence issues, and the transition to motherhood can affect libido. Nothing you've written sounds unusual or hopeless. The encouraging part is that you're still having heart-to-hearts, you still love each other, and you both seem to want the marriage to work. That's a much better foundation than many couples realize.

You're so young. Too young to be in a sexless relationship, but I appreciate that having kids takes a huge toll on a lot of couples.

Even though there are asexual men out there, I think it's more likely that's he isn't attracted to you (because he's either gay or been ruined by porn), is cheating, or he's working out too much or taking something that is affecting his sex drive.

Baby is 9 months old.
Don't expect much if you are still breast feeding - that can be a big barrier hormonally.
Yes, go back to the gym, and whatever else will give your confidence a boost, e.g. some new clothes and makeup. Get a free consultation (sales pitch) at one of the big department stores.
Get a babysitter at least once a month, preferably once a fortnight, and go out on 'dates' to reconnect with each other as people, not just parents. This is worth spending money on if you have no relatives or suitable friends. Tell him in advance you don't expect to have sex after the date - they need to be stress-free with no expectations.

Truth is I don’t know how to flirt anymore and feel awkward when I even think of being intimate with him.
Don't flirt. No need. Just cuddle and squeeze and hug him close, with your lower halves touching if you are both standing. Do this lots. Sooner or later the arousal will return.
If he is exhausted, offer him a shoulder or back massage and don't let it progress to sex; that will ensure he doesn't feel pressured.

If things are not better within a year, you need counselling together.

Christ, posters are missing the point where the OP clearly wants/misses sex. It’s the husband who’s not being clear about his lack of desire for it. Quite understandable why the Op would feel uncomfortable after going through physical changes that come with childbirth etc. I wish people would stop projecting their own dead bedroom scenarios onto other posters’.

anyway.

Attila is right. You don’t have to accept this for the remainder of your married life. He needs to get honest. You need to have a frank and uncomfortable conversation. This is no way to live, especially if he’s shirking any engagement with you by training at the gym (for what purpose I must ask). For his burnout, or for him? Because if sex therapy isn’t an option I’d be looking to part ways.

Life is too short for this nonsense.

I'm much older than you and I'd leave.

I posted to encourage and so she knows she is not alone incase her love for her man and family is more important than penetrative sex, if her dh has an actual issue that maybe he is not telling her about yet...maybe she does not want to walk away and blow up the whole marriage and family...