Hi all, just wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and whether these feelings ever go away.
I’ve been with my husband for many years. We met young, are now in our 40s, have a young child and, on paper, have a really lovely life together.
We’ve had a very difficult journey to becoming parents, with fertility struggles, losses and significant health complications along the way. We’ve now accepted that our family is complete, although that hasn’t been an easy thing to come to terms with.
Last year, after a particularly difficult experience, I had a serious medical complication that really shook me. I’ve spent a long time recovering, having counselling and working on my physical and mental health. I’m in a much better place now, and in many ways feel like a different person. But I also feel as though something has shifted in me, and I can’t quite put my finger on what it means for my marriage.
I love my husband. He’s kind, attractive, an amazing father and genuinely one of the best things to have happened to me. He’s supported me through some incredibly difficult times, and I know how much he loves me. Our family life is happy, and I’m very aware of how lucky I am in so many ways.
But romantically, something feels missing.
We’re becoming increasingly different in what we want from life. He’s very much a homebody, whereas I want to get out, socialise, travel, try new things and feel like I’m making the most of life. We have very little family support nearby, and I often feel as though it’s down to me to organise anything we do as a couple or family. If I don’t make the plans, we tend to stay at home and do very little. He doesn’t leave the house other than work and I feel smothered and bored.
I have a demanding job, ADHD, anxiety and a busy family life, so I’m often overwhelmed already. I find myself increasingly frustrated that I’m the one who has to create the fun, make the plans and push us to do things. I don’t want to feel like the activities director for our family.
We both struggle with anxiety and have worked hard on our mental health, but I sometimes worry that this is simply who he is, rather than something that’s going to change.
He rarely plans dates or surprises, doesn’t particularly enjoy travelling and seems perfectly content with a much quieter life than I want. Over time, this has really affected our chemistry and sex life. I hate admitting it, but I increasingly feel more like his best friend than his wife, and I’m struggling to find him exciting or interesting in the way I once did. Our conversation has become so boring - often he just talks about house stuff or work. I zone out.
I feel awful even writing that because he hasn’t done anything terrible. He’s a good man and a good husband in so many ways. I sometimes wonder whether I’m being unfair by wanting him to change, when perhaps I’ve simply changed myself.
I’ve also found myself constantly fantasising and dreaming about being with other people. I wouldn’t cheat, as that’s something I feel strongly against, but the fact that I’m thinking about it so often makes me wonder what it’s telling me about how I feel. I feel guilty because I love him, but I also feel that there’s so much life ahead of me and I don’t want to spend it feeling bored, frustrated and disconnected.
I’ve tried talking to him about some of this, but I struggle with the feeling that I’m asking him to become someone he’s not. I don’t want to make him feel inadequate or suggest that the person he is isn’t good enough. Equally, I don’t know how to ignore what I’m feeling.
I have friends whose partners are selfish, unsupportive or don’t pull their weight with the children, and I sometimes wonder whether I’m being ridiculous for questioning a marriage with a man who loves me and treats me well.
Has anyone else experienced this? Can you come back from feeling like you’ve outgrown your partner, particularly when there isn’t a big betrayal or obvious reason to leave? Did you manage to rediscover the attraction and excitement, or did you eventually accept that love and compatibility aren’t always the same thing?
I genuinely don’t know whether this is a phase, the aftermath of a difficult few years, or a sign that something fundamental has changed in me. I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been there.