The avoidant man

[Nindie77]

I have been with my partner for almost 5 years now, we have a 3 year old son and live together, I have an older child from a previous relationship and he is 13.

Im really starting to struggle with my relationship, my partner doesnt trust me and has made this very clear, when he gets angry he has called me a Slut, Whore, Slag, doesnt believe a word i say and will accuse me of looking at men, entertaining men, if I upload a photo to my FB he will stay im seeking attention where as I will be fully dressed and usually its a photo of my face not body.

Its starting to sound crazy as ive never really written this down before but he has these moments of been utterly vile and then when im back from work and im home he will act as though nothing at all happened, he doesnt address any issues I bring up, he will very quickly think im attacking him, he will cause arguments to the point where we are no long discussing my main concern. He gets angry alot and will lash out (never physically violent) but will basically sulk.

I have tried the calm approach, I have tried offering him gym memberships, ive written paragraphs explaining how i fee, ive lashed out at him back, ive offered paying for a councillors session but he says he doesnt trust anyone at all so refuses to seek help, if I theaten to leave he will tell me his called the doctors and will get help, this never happens then its back to square one again.
He has told me for the past 3 years he will get a vasectomy because ive been through 2 miscarriages one ended up me having to have surgery, he refuses to use condoms, and I cant go on contraception due to issues previously. I was extremely upset and crying after one of them and he walked past me to go to bed, then acts asif nothing happend or cant quite understand why I was so upset with him.

However when his in a good mood he can come across as caring and attentive as long as im giving him affection, but still theres no dates, no really affection, no quality time together its becoming exhausting. I know i need to leave but its difficult especially with the children, my work pattern, our housing situation, has anyone been in a simular situation? If so what did you do to help ?

I wish I was making this up especially reading it back, I must be bloody stupid but why cant I break from this loop.

What a charming man he is.

Leave before your children turn into mini versions of him. All you are doing right now is modelling terrible relationships.

Find a way to go, even if you have to start over again, and get out of this mess.

Sounds like you’ve tried everything to make it work. The only thing left is to leave. Honestly, he sounds awful and it sounds like he couldn’t care less about you. Sorry you’re with this dickhead.

Its almost asif its not that bad until I wrote this post and reading it back and reading your answer and the other answer makes me feel like im being blinded by the obvious. After all the drama he caused me today at work ive come home and his acting normal cooking dinner asif nothing at all happened today

He's not avoidant, he's abusive.

He is never going to change. Don’t waste another day with this man. Think of your poor poor children having to live in this toxic environment and want more for them.

He's not avoidant, he's nasty.

Time for you to avoid him, permanently.

He's abusive. Please get help and leave this relationship.

He isn’t avoidant op. He is a nasty abusive bully. You haven’t been able to leave him for you for some reason. So leave him for your children. This is a horrible toxic environment for them where they are witnessing terrible things. Possibly this was your childhood too, which is why you haven’t left. You don’t want your sons to grow up thinking this is normal.

I didn't have a great relationship with my mom she was very much up and down with her moods and angry which is probaly why this feels so normal to me. Im very used to reading the rooma and reading people's emotions and I do adjust my behaviour accordingly to suit whoever im around.

I just wish I could meet someone gentle and kind. I know i need to leave and this post will definitely help me especially when he tries to draw me back in again, he will be kind and loving but im starting to see that its all fake, its all a form of control. I just miss the person I met all those years ago but I know that will never happen. He wasn't like this at the start and I think thats also made me stay longer because like an idiot I think he will change, if anything his worse.

The person you met years ago was the fake one op. This is who he is. He pretended.

he is a gaslighting, abusive nasty prick. Please avoid him permanently and do the Freedom Programme too. Women's Aid can help you too.

The person you met years ago does not exist. The person who calls you a whore is who this person is. He lovebombed and conned you and now the mask has slipped.

No more sex. Plan the escape route. Leave.
Living alone is infinitely preferable to living the life you have right now.

For god's sake stop having sex (you not need to risk another miscarriage or binging another child into this mess) and leave. He's deeply abusive at every level. Verbally, emotionally and frankly, the sex stuff is pretty physically abusive given he seems to some degree to be keen to take away your bodily autonomu (he is effectively forcing you to risk another miscarriage/trying to get you pregnant again to control you).

He is abusing you. It's never ok for him to call you names like that - I've been married 36 years and my husband has never, not once, called me anything like slag, slut etc. That is abuse. His behaviour is controlling too.

You really need to leave because this is only going to get worse. You have a 13 year old son and this relationship is not what you want him to think is a healthy and normal one. You and your children need to get away from him.

You can call Women's Aid for support and advice. If you have good friends and family, tell them and ask for their help in making a plan to leave safely. Don't struggle with this alone.