Currently 30yo. I was in a relationship for 6 years when it happened, in deep depression for 4 of those. I was so deep into depersonalization and derealisation that I was basically feeling nothing but I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, over time I was questioning my whole identity and in a very dark place. It was so damaging to our relationship and had her on the verge of breakup multiple times.
One of those times I reached a point where I thought I was gay, and decided I would find out then immediately come home and kill myself. I was so done being me but I still had to know. I arranged to meet a guy on reddit and went to his hotel room, he opened the door and I almost threw up on the spot from a wave of awful emotions and ran off. I thought I could bury it under the guise of "not actually doing anything " but I still arranged this and physically went there.
A few months later I figured out that I am transgender and had a full on breakdown and figured everything out. She helped me work through it and is genuinely the most supportive person in the entire world and I couldn't have done it without her. The first few weeks my mental health improved so so much and our relationship became the best it had been since the beginning, she was so happy again and I felt like a new, real person and happy for the first real time.
She came with me to the terrifying GP visits, helped talk me through everything I was feeling, did so much research and helped me with resources for hrt and self care. Helped me understand basics about skincare and haircare and stuff like that i had neglected. Everything. Genuinely couldn't ask for a more supportive person. I had selfishly hoped I could bury the past, especially since we were at such a good place and life seemed to actually have a future again, but everything loving, caring thing she did started just started to remind me of what an awful, awful thing I did. It was wrong. A complete betrayal.
So I came clean and told her about it and now we're breaking up. I deserve it, and I've been in a shame spiral for weeks.
I remember in the past I was always worried about things like finding a new place to live after a breakup or something, since I don't really have friends or family, but in reality I genuinely don't care about that now. It's thinking how I'll never see her smile again, never laugh at silly inside jokes again, never feel her breath on my neck while we sleep again.
I'm not asking advice on how to reconcile, I know that ship has sailed, and I am fully facing and accepting the consequences. But for anyone with any experience, how am I supposed to go on living now? How am I supposed to go on living my life feeling like this and knowing what I have done and am capable of? From the second I wake up to the moment I sleep I am spiralling and nauseous. I'm just sleeping all day when I'm not at work because it's my only respite. It's been weeks, I can't do this anymore
Sorry for the poor writing, my head is a mess