Being a single mum sucks

[cavewoman2026]

Hello all,

I’m a single mum to two young daughters and had to leave an abusive marriage where the father of my kids cheated, controlled me, made me pay for mostly everything whilst he had fake marriages and relationships and set up businesses behind my back. After 9 years and finding out some horrendous details about his Hannah Montana life I told him to leave. What traumatised me beyond the cheating was his mistress verbally abusing me and him taking her side. I was always a loving and supportive partner and could not understand why he would’ve given her my private details (she knew everything!, she even had my photos and social media). I felt personally violated. Since then she’s called me crying saying he’s cheated on her too. I’ve blocked them both as I dislike drama. Him and I communicate via emails on anything about the kids.

After the seperation I immediately got a job, rented out my spare room to a nice lady but picking up the pieces wasn’t easy. I’m in therapy but I think I’m cracking. I would never take my ex back but when I’m feeling lonely sometimes I think it would be easier. He’s married for the 3rd time (in three years!) and is making so much money whilst I struggle to go out for a walk or to the shops. Hard not to feel angry.

staying in a toxic marriage was soul destroying but working full time and handling two kids isn’t for the weak. If I want to go anywhere I have to pay babysitter’s and they’re so expensive (£19 an hour!)

dating is hard as a single mum. I’m attractive (whatever that means) so find lots of eager men to date but no one that would fit into my life. There also seems to be a lot of immature men around and I want someone who cares about me beyond my looks as they will fade one day. Everything seems so bleak. I don’t want to go on anti depressants. So many things I want to do but jobs and kids take all my time. I feel like the walls are closing in. From the outside I’m a cheery, sociable person but inside I’m falling apart. I’m crying as I write this. I’m proud of myself for getting away but I see now why so women stay. Life is busy but I don’t want to carry on. I have so much empathy for women everywhere and my story isn’t even the most shocking that I’ve heard. It’s just dawning on me life is passing by and no one is coming to save me.

It can be really hard, there’s no way of saying otherwise. You can have a good life but it may look different.

Forget about men. Focus on your kids, building up your job or career, and getting a little circle of friends you can rely on.

Even if you could go out on dates, a lot of decent men don't want to date a 30 something with another mans kids. Yeah I said it, don't come at me. They want a 20 something who they can build their own family with and they usually get it.

I sympathise, I really do. I was in the same situation myself once. I honestly believe that women really only have one chance to get things right and that a lot of that is down to luck.

Focus on what you can control.

When I was in your position many years ago OP, I stopped dating and concentrated on building a large friendship group of people I could really rely on.

It was tough but it was the best thing I ever did.

Then when the kids were older, I met my husband organically and we had a very long and happy marriage.

OP, you are a very strong and capable woman. You’re raising two children, working full time, and have taken in a lodger to boost your finances. You’re also processing a huge betrayal and the end of an unhealthy marriage. In time you will look back and be so proud of how you coped.

Keep going. Boost up your support system. Can you meet other single mums through school / work, and form a trusted babysitting circle? Use any free time to see friends, zone out, whatever fills your cup.

I agree with you, majority of men do want someone childless but I do know two single mums who have settled into happy relationships with men who don’t have kids of their own. It’s rare but it does happen. Getting married again is the least of my priorities right now. My single childless friends are struggling with dating as it is (as our my sisters in their 20s) as the dating scene in the uk has collapsed.

I am focusing on my children, it’s all I do! I just don’t want to become a bitter, angry woman when things so much easier for men. I’m trying to keep my sense of humour and positivity but it’s waning fast. I get so angry when I see so many women being mistreated. This is not the kind of world I want to raise future young daughters into.

Thank you for your kind words, appreciate it. I am a strong woman and I’m grateful for the women around me but even they say how I do it. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I’m so tempted sometimes to take the kids to him and run away to Berlin and really have a go at life. Have an adventure. Adulthood is so overwhelming! And being a woman is so hard.

If you don't want to end up bitter, I wouldn't turn this into a man v woman thing.

There's no need really.

Some people are just nasty, untrustworthy cheats but hopefully you'll find someone decent eventually.

Being a mum sucks. Single or otherwise. I’ve done it both ways. I LOVE my children but I definitely would rather be a dad!

Haha appreciate the honesty! It’s such a thankless job, isn’t it.

I can relate. People think my ex is a great guy when he is depriving his children, still abusing me and trying to control us.
He changes childcare arrangements and never takes the children to school appointments or has anything to do with their lives other than taking them out etc and dropping them back off dirty.
I have tried to have relationships but they suffer because I don’t really have the capacity.
I just try and enjoy them as much as possible as they grow up fast and will be off to university be before i know it but right now it’s really difficult.
Never go back though! You’ll only be back where you are again but worse off in a couple of months/years..

Best thing I did was stay single, cba with dating.

I feel you. It’s hard to find capacity for a potential man when work and kids suck up all your energy and free time.

I’ve found the gentle approach doesn’t work with the father of my kids. I’m firm on child allowance and access to the kids.

Just hold on there.

@cavewoman2026 I think being single in general is hard in today’s world so having 2 kids on your own is even harder. Everything falls to you and the mental load can be overwhelming at times. This is why so many people stay in miserable relationships/ marriages. You have made the break that so many people can’t manage so you should be proud of that. All I can say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel and as hard as it is now, it’s short term pain for long term gain. Your children will become older and easier, you won’t be tied down as much, and you will get your life back. Dont look at your ex’s life and compare as it’s clear he is just continuing the toxic cycle with other women who will put up with it. He’s back cheating on them now and making them miserable. Do you have any family / good friends around you? I would try to enjoy the simple things in life and build an enjoyable life for you and the kids. Go places together, have friends round if you can’t go out, do groups things with your friends and their kids, take pleasure in little things like watching what you want to watch on tv when the kids are in bed, star fishing in bed etc. Being single is tough but there are also so many perks to being single and not having a toxic man there draining the life out of you. One day you may meet someone decent but being single and independent can be the most powerful feeling when you feel ready to fully embrace it.

Thank you for the encouraging message.

I do all of the above and try to make the most of life but sometimes it gets overwhelming. It’s nice to talk to women on here and realise we aren’t truly alone.

I think if I’d been through what you’ve been through no money in the world you could pay me would be enough to go anywhere near a man. Especially if I had two young daughters. It’s really not safe out there these days.

I think it’s important to ask yourself if you are looking for a man to be a bandage. To heal the wound. After you come out of abuse there can be a desperation to find someone to tell you that everything bad he said about you wasn’t real and to help rebuild your self esteem. It’s very dangerous, this need.

Because men cannot fix this pain. But they can exploit it.

You see yourself, the experiences you have dating. These are not flukes. This is what men are like, across the board. They are looking for what they can GET from you. So be careful you aren’t chasing a fairytale.

Now I’m not saying love and mutual respect etc… doesn’t exist. But generally speaking people in unhealthy situations, looking to heal after abuse…don’t attract it. They attract more predators. If I were you I’d hold off till the kids are older before dating. Until you are healed.

Becuase otherwise you risk getting stuck in a loop of bad experiences when you are already hurting, and that can make everything spiral and seem so much worse.

You also might be wise to have therapy, to help you heal and perhaps to ensure you don’t fall into a cycle of codependency in future with new men.

This. I gave up on men, focused on my dc, my home, my career, my financial security. I am infinitely better off than most of the women I know, I have freedom, no compromises, eat healthily, live healthily, don't have a man constantly wasting money on rubbish.

I am more secure and comfortable than I have ever been. Happy DC, happy me 😊

I needed to comment because hearing a different point of view may be more positive. I left my alcoholic ex husband in my early 40’s with three children. Now it’s been very difficult and I’m not there yet at all, I still need to work on my mental health and my kids all have various needs that makes things very tough to manage alone. But I did meet an amazing man when I was 45, he was single, had never been married and has no kids. He absolutely loves me (shocking to me!) and he loves my kids, they love him. So wanted to say although few and far between there are brilliant decent men still out there. That said get your home and work in order then find some fun in life!