Judging someone else’s relationship…

[Thuraya17]

Okay so I’m not exactly judging, I’m just abit worried. Someone close to me is in their 50s and last year finally met someone after years of being alone. Their partner is in their 40s (around 10 years younger) but generally pleasant and friendly, we were all really happy in the beginning that this family member had met someone.

Anyway, it’s been around a year and a half now but before the year mark, he had already moved into her house and proposed. I think it’s wonderful that my family member finally gets a wedding and is settled with their partner but some things rub me the wrong way. She is funding the large majority of the wedding since he makes less money, she also is still in charge of all of the bills since it’s her house and he just gives her his half on pay day. They’re saving for a wedding and he tends to order a lot of clothes and shoes for himself whilst saving tiny amounts towards the wedding, he often runs out of money before the end of the month and asks her for lunch money for work. I mean he also orders shoes for her too but it’s not that cute if you’re coming up short every month to splurge on gifts you can’t afford. She on the other hand wants to spend all of her bonus’s and extra cash on the wedding and is actively searching for extra jobs to put as much into it as she can.

Part of me wonders if he was/is taking advantage a little bit even if not super intentional. He is very encouraging of her to make money by any means possible whilst acting as if it’s in her favour but I’m not sure it is. Working yourself to the bone for a wedding whilst your man puts his regular monthly payment into the fund seems abit unbalanced.

I guess he just seems like he’s not responsible for anything, he’s kind of just like a man child paying their mum rent. I don’t know, am I being super old fashioned thinking the man should be more responsible. I just don’t want to see my family member heartbroken at the end of all of this and I really want it to go well for her, she deserves to be happy.

Do we think this guy is decent, is he really that into her? Is it none of my business?

I can understand why you’re worried about someone you care about, particularly if she’s taking on extra work while he’s spending money on himself.

But contributing less financially doesn’t necessarily mean someone brings less to a relationship. My husband provides financially, and I pull my weight in other ways that might not be obvious to someone looking in.

She may be really excited about getting married and genuinely want to splash out on a wedding for them both. I’d be cautious about saying anything that could make her feel judged. Perhaps gently ask how she’s finding the extra work and whether she’s happy with their arrangements, then give her space to talk. Ultimately, it’s her choice, but you can still be there for her.

i totally understand that and maybe I sound like a hypocrite since I stay home and my husband provides for us financially. However, I’m home with our young children and we both spend sensibly and discuss things together.

Ive overheard two conversations since I’ve been visiting them this week, one was her saying he has to pay half the bills on payday rather than weekly as if he doesn’t give it right away he will ‘spend it all’ and a second was him ordering things and her saying ‘you already have all of that’ and him saying ‘yeah but not in these colours’ 😂 I don’t know why I found that abit funny it just seems childlike like surely you should both be on the same page at that age and stage in life. I feel bad as he’s a nice guy and I’m sure it’s not super intentional, it just seems abit off.

Thanks for explaining, I can see the distinction you’re making. It’s more about how he manages his money and whether she’s having to make up the shortfall, rather than who earns more. With that extra context, I understand your concern. Perhaps gently asking how she feels about it would give her an opportunity to talk without feeling judged