Telling teens I have a boyfriend

[MarmadukeM]

I split with my husband in April after 23 years, we lived together for two more months till I bought my own place and moved out and we didn’t tell kids we had split till mid June as youngest was doing GCSEs.
they have been ok about it all and me and ex get on just fine, it had just slowly fizzled out over time and we had nothing in common anymore. the kids are almost 17 and 20, at college and uni.
I met someone late July and we get on really well, it’s getting a bit serious now, we’ve been together 3 months and I do think we might have some sort of future (early days I know and i know I’m not long out of the marriage but the marriage was dead for years tbh we were more like friends).
anyways, my new partner has only been to my house once as my kids randomly drop by and obviously I wouldn’t want them getting a fright by some random
bloke at their mams. Thing is, I really want him to be able to come to mine and stay over etc. he. Can wfh and could hang out at mine which would be really nice - I’m living by myself and it would be nice to have his company so I’m thinking of telling them but I’m worried about how they would react. my mates think they will be fine and I should just tell them but they’ve only had four months to get used to me and their dad not being together so my question is, do I leave it a bit longer or are they old enough to understand? They both have long term 1 year plus relationships. Any advice?

After only 3 months, I wouldn't say anything yet. It is very early days and they are still getting used to the idea of their dad not being there. They both have exams looming.

Have you told them you are dating? That might be a better start. Get them used to the idea of you having a private life outside of your marriage, before you present them with an oven-ready new partner.

Can you go to his home instead or does he also have children?

I wouldn't yet. it's only early days. it's the first man you've dated since you split and there's usually a lot of risk. He is still pretty much a stranger on his best behavior at this point. I would wait. You want to see what his bad points are.

Gosh you're moving fast. That's not a criticism. More power to you if you're moving on. I'm almost a year on from separating and my children are a similar age to yours - we're all still rather raw and processing. The absolute last thing any is us need is some bloke in the mix. We're all different and neither of us is doing this the 'right' way, but do be careful with yourself and your kids.

I'm sure that old enough to understand you. If you hesitate to talk to them now, you can make a joke to see their response first. Then you decide next steps.

It’s early in your relationship and early after their parents separating - two different things.
why don’t you both hang at his place? He must have a cushy wfh arrangement if he has time to hang out while wfh!

Blimey, no way would I be telling them now! As far as they're concerned, you only split in June, they are probably still getting used to that! And honestly, getting serious after 3 months? That's a bit ridiculous 😳 I think you should introduce the idea that you're thinking of dating again and see how they react to that. Then give it a few more months before introducing the new boyfriend. What's the rush?

Too early.

Too soon

Way, way too soon. Your kids are still adjusting to the recent split and you're rushing things and dumping a new bf on them way too soon.

Give it 6 months to a year depending on how your kids are doing. Let your kids come to terms with your new normal. It also gives you time to see if this is just a rebound or something that possibly could be long term. But man, don't shove a new bf on them this quick.

3 months. Dad only moved out in June.
Way too soon.
Keep it fun and light. You’ve literally just got out of a 23 year marriage.

Jeez, I waited two years

It’s too soon, and I say that as someone in a similar situation with a similar timeline of divorce

I'm with you OP. I am in the process of splitting up with my husband of 20+ years. I can't wait to get out there and meet someone. The marriage has been over in my head for the last 5 years and I've just been waiting for the children to hit 18. I suppose, just because we have parted ways and moved on in our head for a long time, our children haven't and they might need more time.

it is far too soon. And everyone always says it was over in their head - well firstly it might all hit you in future and secondly and most importantly, it wasn’t over in your children’s’ heads. Just slow down. And how can he work from home and hang out? So much wrong with this.

Slooooooow down, give them some grace

Thanks for the advice - yeah I’ll leave it for now, there’s no rush really and I do want to put them first in all this. When I was 5 my mother kicked my dad out and I came home from school that day to have another bloke living in the house so my frame of reference is probably skewed lol.

I was on your other thread @MarmadukeM and tbh - you really really should be focussing on your and your mental health. And not a new fling

I hear what you’re saying but it’s actually quite a positive thing - don’t think long term mental health problems should exclude other stuff.

OP - I won’t go in to it but you know full well that your mental health conditions aren’t just serious. They are very very serious and have had huge impact on yours and your teens lives

You really don't know this guy. You've been together for 3 months. Realistically, how much time have you spent with him?

Your kids have had enough change for a long while. Even if they seem to he alright their parents separating and getting divorced is a big adjustment for them.

I wouldnt introduce them to the new boyfriend until this time next year if he lasts that long. He's still in the honeymoon period and on his best behaviour. Hopefully by then you'll know if this is the real him or if he's an arsehole.

You're only thinking about yourself here. It might have been over for years 'in your head' but that won't have been the case in your children's heads (and your ex husband's, reading between the lines here). I guarantee your children will not look upon it favourably if you unbox a new man who you met 12 weeks after their parent's marriage ended

I think it depends on what your kids understand of your relationship with exH. Did they knew it was fading out for years or has the spilt come as a massive shock to them?

If they've only had 12 weeks to start to come to terms with this, then I agree, way too soon to say you have a new boyfriend!

I might tentatively mention dating or widening your friendship group as a precursor to saying more later, but I'd hold off saying you have a boyfriend or letting him to stay over if they are around.