Affair or no?

[MyGoldPlayer]

Friend has discovered a locked and hidden chat on her husband's phone and after knowing for months that something was going on she managed to give him an ultimatum and he's unlocked the chat and let her look at it.

So she's found months of very explicit sexting, photos, videos, call and video call logs. He says, and the info on the chat backs him up, he hasn't touched this woman so it is not an affair! I disagree with him. Friend is faltering. He says it was just excitement and escape, similar to watching porn, he'll stop and leave phone unlocked.

That’s an emotional affair. Why don’t women ever think ‘I need some excitement and an escape, I know what I’ll do, let me send Tom Smith some nudes’ 🙄 I couldn’t get over something like that, he had months to come clean.

Oh it most certainly is. Probably physical too. But that doesn’t matter.

It really doesn't seem to have been physical as there are texts where they almost planned and then he cancelled. Rows after etc. Its a tome of texts!

So the intention was there despite him cancelling. He’s a dick.

It doesn't really matter if it's an affair or not - that's just a word. The question is whether or not your friend is willing to accept this behaviour or not. Especially when it sounds like he's trying to get away with it on a technicality rather than begging for forgiveness.

Whether it’s an affair or not doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things.

He’s getting his kicks outside of his marriage and will no doubt continue to do so. He’s undermined her trust for a few nudes.

if she wants to live that life - checking phones etc - that’s up to her.

Yeah whether it is or not is besides the point, he’s been exchanging smutty pictures with random women online.

I bet it isn’t the first time either, just the first time he’s been caught.

Lol at the confidence of men. Imagine unlocking that to prove your innocence.

Yeah, nah. His head has been turned, he has been investing emotionally outside of the relationship and he has covered his tracks.

deal breaker for me

It's one woman for all of it and it's someone he knows and sees IRL.

In places where adultery is/was a crime, it would presumably have to be physical? As in something that could result in pregnancy? There are people who are ok about their partner flirting with others, and have forgiven some physical betrayal, but who ended it when a child was born, as in, that is the thing they wouldn't accept, or felt they couldn't ever get past.
So the answer is, it depends on your friend, and what she counts as acceptable. I wouldn't be happy with this, but it's her right to decide.

It's a betrayal of his marriage vows.
Quite frankly the fact they haven't had physical sex - if true - is secondary to what he has done.
And tbh how he describes it is totally irrelevant. His wife knows how she feels and she knows how he behaved with another woman when he had taken vows to her.

It’s an affair however much he dismisses it.

Oh well that’s ok then 🙄

Because he hid it away like a dirty secret it’s the same as any affair or cheating, the real damage comes from the lies and deception.

I’m 100% against cheating of any kind, but i’m sure for some people cheating where there has been no physical contact would be easier to forgive than a physical affair.

I don’t think it really matters what anyone calls it. He knew it crossed a boundary otherwise he wouldn’t have tried to hide it and promise to stop now it’s been discovered. That for me would be my cue to LTB

It doesn't matter what he calls it, he can never undo this irreparable damage to their relationship.

I could never move past this.

I hope your friend is ok OP 💐

It’s a massive breach of trust by him. So they haven’t had sex….. but sending her divk pics and wanking over photos of her is definitely what I would class as an affair, he’s probably patting himself on the back that he didn’t actually shag her. I couldn’t live with this, all you can do is let your friend make her decision and if that is am to stay with him then just keep being a friend and be there for her if it blows up in the future.

It’s an affair. It doesn’t even matter whether he thinks it is, if she feels it is an affair or cheating, or if it breaks her boundaries in any way then he is in the wrong.

Bin that one

Obviously I don't think it's OK. Just clarifying for the previous poster who seemed to think it was multiple different women. The IRL bit Makes it worse imo.
I agree it's an affair but also agree with pp that I should probably butt out and be a support rather than a director here. The decision js hers. She's hung up on whether affair or not because of him splitting hairs.

Updating to say friend looks like staying put and working through/giving him another chance. I've decided to stay close as a friend rather than raving about what he's done!!

I hope i'm wrong but i suspect she'll be in the same place again in the not too distant future unless they address the issues that made him do it in the first place, something must have been missing in their relationship for him to want to do what he did. And if there wasn't anything missing he'll definitely do it again because that would mean he's just programmed to be a deviant.