Feeling completely lost, burnt out, and at rock bottom looking for others who’ve been here

[wishingforanewlife]

I am so painfully alone and unhappy with my life right now. I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this, but I suppose it's just good to get it out and hopefully find someone who has been through something similar and managed to turn things around.

Currently, I am signed off work with stress and I feel completely lost about what to do next. I know I can't go back because it's just too much. On top of that, my social circle has shrank to basically one friend, but to be honest, I feel like an afterthought to her most of the time. People always give the advice to "put yourself out there" to make friends, but I really have tried. I recently asked someone I met through a hobby to grab a coffee, and she just ignored my message and later made out like she'd seen it at the last minute. I've tried going to different groups, but as a single parent, I just can't commit to showing up every single week.

It hasn't always been like this. When I was younger I had a lot of friends, but those friendships were mostly built on going out and partying. Once I had my son, so many of those "friends" ended up stabbing me in the back or just ghosting me altogether. Later on, I formed a great group with some other mums, but that broke up last year when people fell out and moved away.

What has truly destroyed me over the past few years is my custody situation. My ex was abusive and won 50% custody in family court, so my son is now only with me half the time. Nobody seems to get how painful that is. People make thoughtless comments like "well at least you get a break" or "it must be good having time to yourself," which just hurts more. When you combine that with the fact that all of my past romantic relationships have been abusive in one way or another, I feel completely drained.

I am just so tired of constantly picking myself up, putting effort into making friends, and being met with rejection or having people take advantage of my kindness. I just want a happy life. Years ago I used to feel much happier and had things to look forward to, but right now I feel like I have nothing and no one, and it is really eating away at me.

I feel like I am at absolute rock bottom at the moment. If anyone who has been through something similar has managed to rebuild their life, I would really appreciate hearing your story.

Same here. At my rock bottom time, I decided to..uh…err…go to church, any church. After a while I found out, surprisingly, that there are many “rock bottom” people at church. Got some decent friends there though.

I think 50:50 is terrible and I’m so sorry that you were coerced into this. Giving an abusive man his child for half of the time is criminal and the courts need a serious upheaval in such cases. If you have the energy and resources, I’d seriously build a case to appeal this decision - especially if you have evidence of abuse (I don’t know the extent or type of abuse that you experienced), because it’s not good for your child to be with a man who abused his mother.
The “free time” comment is ridiculous too.. you want to be with your child, not off going to yoga and coffee - I absolutely get that. I understand.
You sound depressed and tired and no amount of advice can really help you. My advise would be to start getting the custody sorted, it will give you focus and hope, and find someone in your circle you fully trust to support you and not be judgemental. What you need to hear is: I understand, I’m here, what can I do to help. Not: get yourself a hobby and try to go out more.
Much love x

I haven’t got much to offer other than solidarity . I’m feeling very ‘stuck ‘ I think is the best word to use right now. Not sure how to get myself out of this rut either

So I think you need to shift the focus from friendships to building yourself up. Let’s be honest, when you are completely broken and burnt out, you are a massive energy drain. Building relationships works when you have something to bring to the table. If you are just exhausted and unhappy and overwhelmed, you are chasing people away. Put that to the side for now. It’s no different to a romantic relationship. You can’t have one of those, not a healthy one anyway, when you are completely broken.

What can you do to make you feel better? Can you leave your job? Honestly, I had a job that was sucking the life out of me. I went out on longterm sickness and eventually was made redundant before I was well enough to come back. Best thing that ever happened to me.

I was free then to do what I wanted and to not have to keep working in this miserable job. I’m self employed now and a million times happier. But I did have a safety net to fall back on financially plus a redundancy payout to live off of. Could you survive without the job for a bit?

Take the pressure off and then you can start looking after you. Sounds simple but I started with walking. I did a lot of walking to clear my head (also lost some weight). I did some volunteering. I joined a support group. You don’t have to make ‘friends’. I don’t meet up with any of these people outside of the activities we do. But it was nice to have someone to chat to for an hour or so. I also stopped drinking alcohol and I went to bed early and caught up on sleep as soon as the kids were in bed.

See your GP to get some support with your mental health as well. Antidepressants helped me for a time when I really needed them. I don’t need them anymore and I stopped once I felt ready.

I've been there and my heart goes out to you because I can tell how kind you are and much you have to give but don't seem to get back which is so, so painful to experience. B
First of all, be gentle with yourself. Show yourself the kindness you show others.

My advice is to prioritise yourself first ans foremost. Is there a hobby you would enjoy taking up or doing more of? It's really defeating to do hobbies to meet people and that not working out, but doing things just for yourself has the opposite effect. Take care of yourself and build up your self esteem on your own before you reach out to others. After years of solitude I found that as soon as I started doing things just for myself, people wanted to get to know me and make friends much more naturally. I was happy on my own by that point but it was interesting to see. Happy people are like magnets.

You’ve got some great advice on this thread OP.

You know i had been thinking about this and im not even religious lol

Thanks for your advice. It is terrible.

Tbh im not sure i could put myself through it financially or mentally.
My solicitor said she has been men like him and they don't stop. If I fight then he will try to alienate my son against me and you know what she is correct he is that type of person. My son actually loves being with his dad too so if I try and disrupt that it will only do me harm and make my son dislike me.

I thought my sister understood when she recently became a single mum but she actually likes her time away from her kids.

Thank you thats really good advice and very true about building friendships when you're in a bad place.

I have been looking for a new job daily. I think maybe even a part time job which is low stress would be what I can handle atm. I can only get 4 months full sick pay so im hoping I can find something within that time! My manager called yesterday and just made me feel rubbish saying she hoped i hadn't just been sitting indoors. Well i have been im stressed and burnout. She really doesn't get it.

I've had anti depressants in the past. They were ok. I have adhd and currently trying to see if I can get medication as I think this is also a huge part of my burnout, low mood and struggling to do things.

Thanks, this made me cry 🙈🙂 kind of you to say.
It does just feel i am constantly getting knocked down and tbh i feel myself slowly turning bitter at the world due to all of the rubbish I've been through. I dont want to be that way though.

I do have a hobby but haven't done it for a while. Just been mentally exhausted. It does make me feel good though.

Hey @wishingforanewlife .
I’ve been there - years ago. Single mum, lots of difficult stuff with family going on. It wasn’t all bad, but the sense of being trapped and exhausted and lonely, feeling that people found me a drain and thought me hopeless. I often reached for unhelpful distractions like wine to get through the evenings.

Things improved when I took up running (exercise, outdoors, kept me off the alcohol), and I also started going volunteering when my kids were with their dad - I made friends and felt like I had a good outlet for my wish to be a good person. Most of us do better with some connection in our lives.

I’ve also dipped in to religious places. It’s company and no one questions why you are there alone. And time thinking about the bigger picture genuinely helped.

Keep with it. This is not forever. There will be another job, other friends.

In the meantime, if you feel it’s just getting too much, Samaritans are there. You don’t need to be suicidal. People are there to listen if you need to talk.

<<hug>>