Really gutted and upset

[Soheartbroken44]

Just need to offload as feeling let down,upset and confused and never thought I would be in this position. Early this year I left an awful narcissistic abusive husband who cheated on me and dragged me through the mud having an affair and alsorts.

In summer i reconnected with an old boyfriend who i have known since we were 15 but not seen in 30 years. We split up amicably back then as so young etc. The connection between us got really intense and stronger and led to us being on the phone 2 hours a night, lovely conversations together and chatting every day and we both said we were developing strong feelings for each other in September. He lives 3 hours away from me in Bristol, and after more time chatting I arranged to go and see him. It was a lot for me but i honestly felt safe and it was worth the journey we spent an amazing few days together and he made me feel safe, loved, in every way, and I really didnt think id be where we are now. He is basically everything I want in a man despite the distance and we even said we can make it work if we want to be together.

When i got back I started noticing he wasnt replying the same in texts, and now hes saying he cant be who I want him to be or be in a relationship with me. Im absolutely heartbroken and feel a bit led on, hurt, and hes like a different person to the one I was chatting to before. I know I need to move on and sack him off but im just a bit shocked and upset . There was no sign of this at all over the time we have chatted and connected. Hes been single 2 years and I just think its all been a bit much for him plus the distance. Im just hoping it wasnt all fake so he could have his end way with me, it really dosent seem like that but :( just need some hugs really after everything ive been through with my awful ex now this. I think he feels like I do but cant commit. Its really hard. Im leaving him be at the moment just needed to vent really 😞

Sounds like he got what he wanted and lost interest.

Yes, that is what he’s done. But in future, anyone who lays it on thick very likely isn’t being genuine, and I know this isn’t a total stranger but you still hadn’t seen him in 30 years, so things like daily hour long phone calls build false intimacy - also never travel hours to these guy. Let them make the effort and actually take you on a date. There are guys like this absolutely everywhere, but you can get wise to their shit.

Aww I’m sorry op that sucks.

But with kindness, there was signs. The intense contact, the two hour chats each night on the phone. Sounds distinctly like love bombing. And becuase you were in need of a shoulder, you didn’t think anything of it.

This intense contact is to foster a false sense of security and to rush the develop,ent of feelings. It also tests your boundaries to see if you will give up great swathes of your time to a man you haven’t even seen in years. Which you shouldn’t.

It’s also a red flag when men come out of the woodwork as soon as you are out of a relationship. They are hoping you are vulnerable.

And if you mention that your relationship was abusive, they will take that as a green light that they too can treat you crappy.

Please stay single for a few years. No dating, no talking to men, just single. Take the time to heal from your abusive relationship and to read up on how to spot abuse. Otherwise the likelyhood is you will just attract more predators. And not know how to spot them.

And when you do start dating again, never mention your ex having been a total shit. As far as any man is concerned, you don’t tolerate any kind of nonsense.

Thanks all I know, just feeling really hurt. Hes been on my social media ages we have chatted on and off before things got intense, it just happened if that makes sense and I think for me because hes nothing like my narcissistic ex I was easily led. I trusted him and felt safe enough to go and meet him and spend time with him, now I feel such an idiot 😞

They are never like the ex in the beginning.

But they are ultimately the same sort of shit wrapped up in a deceptively sparkly package.

You’re not an idiot. It’s natural to crave someone who seems to care about you after a long time with someone who treated you badly.

But we have to be careful not to let this desire make us take risks. It’s hard. But you’re vulnerable right now and the sharks can spot that. They will circle and you have to be super aware of that and stay safe.

Focus on finding your own peace and own inner voice again. Men will never fix anything. They won’t pull out the old knifes stuck in us. We have to do that ourselves. And it takes time and self compassion.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. He really took advantage didn't he?

He has it seems but honestly im just so shocked with it :( it could be that hes upset himself over it too , there seemed to be genuine feelings there but I think its just too much for him. I said to him if I knew this was going to happen I would never have come down. Im just so confused and sad by it all. He has helped me and been there for me so much and I have him, he has a narcissist ex, he is neurodiverse like me and has a son who is again like me so we had so much in common and im missing our daily phone calls. This could be why hes got overwhelmed and also why im struggling more as i attach easily (neurodiverse thing) There was such a strong connection there, obviously he has got cold feet after us meeting up. Lesson learnt now. It will never happen again :(

It’s possible he was stringing you along, as others have said, but it sounds to me less like a situation where a man ‘got what he wanted’ and then dumped someone than a situation where a man perhaps enjoyed chatting on the phone and thought there might be something there, and then after spending some time in person, realised that the OP wanted a different kind of relationship than he’d envisaged, or had a taste of the practical realities of a long distance relationship and realised it wasn’t for him. Which is fair enough, albeit hurtful.

There are lots of threads on here of an abused woman moving on far too quickly with an ex from their teenage years.
It rarely ends well.
It creates a nostalgic mood, and also takes you back to a happier time before you were being abused.
You already ‘know’ the person so confide in them.
They can feel like a safety route out of where you are.
But the thing is you don’t know him as an adult.
So many of us have done this, so don’t feel bad. It is a lesson learned and at least it’s better than meeting someone random and them causing real pain.
He might not been a bad fella, he’s just been caught up in all the old feelings himself and the reality of a relationship feels too much.
But it shows you can have genuine feelings, and feel connected, but for now spend some time building your life.

I had a similar situation- constant texts, on the phone all night, telling me all the plans we could make for the future giving you that warm fuzzy feeling and after coming out of a rubbish relationship prior it really makes you feel like finally! Ive met someone decent and it’s my turn to be happy

it’s likely he’s got an avoidant attachment style and he enjoyed the fantasy of it all but can’t cope with the reality of it. He’ll be back in a few weeks once that attachment system calms down. My advice is do not get reeled back in, do not give him the benefit of the doubt, do not fall for the fantasy of what could be , or you will find your self like me, 5/6 years down the line still playing these stupid games, having had your self esteem shattered and needing therapy, and posting for advice (I’ve recently started my own thread about my own situation) so don’t make the same mistakes I did and waste years of your precious life.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I am thinking that you are pretty young. 25ish? You have so much time ahead of you to find a new partner. Try to move on from this experience and enjoy your freedom for a while.

The older I get the more I believe in the adage, if a man wants to be with you, he will. Don't spend a lot of time worrying about his being scared, being neurodiverse, etc. Its over. Cut him loose.

but realistically you must have known you were taking a chance when you went to him - please
do not do this again without running it by us first

and please don't beat yourself up about this

No im nearly 50 I wish I was that age haha but thank you xx

Absolutely agree sorry that happened to you 🫂